BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.
Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.
Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?
SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”
Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.
Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?
PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.
Showing posts with label Rex Grossman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rex Grossman. Show all posts
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Bears vs. Rams: 9-23-12
BEARS VS. RAMS: 9-23-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Bears vs. Raiders: 11-27-11
BEARS VS. RAIDERS: 11-27-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the piratanical Oakland Raiders after losing quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. Will Caleb Hanie quickly master the intricacies of Mike Martz’s offense? Or will the Bears be forced to hire Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or - - shudder - - Rex Grossman?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pumpkin” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.
SR: ARRH, mateys! What be the Bears only true path to deliverance from the Sargasso Sea they find themselves in? Bring back Neckbeard! He be the only NFL quarterback with the facial hear needed to strike fear and terror in the hearts of the Oakland Raiders, who be no strangers to inflicting fear themselves, even at the risk of losing multiple games due to their endless stream of penalties.
Des: An interesting, if incoherent, perspective, as always, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?
CWP: Des, the Raiders traded the farm for Carson Palmer in hopes of getting to the playoffs, while the Bears are rolling with Caleb Hanie’s first NFL start. Meanwhile, the Raiders have kept up their running prowess even with Darren McFadden out, while Matt Forte has averaged just 3.18 yards per carry the past two weeks. That said, the Bears will still win 68-1.
Des: Concord, I don’t think it’s possible for a team to score only 1 point.
CWP: Tell that to the Bears defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Stephen Fry once said, “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” The same could be said for your Chicago Cubs baseball season.
Des: A bit of a holiday bringdown there, Modre.
Modre: Despair is what I do best.
Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?
WW: Des, am I really “the ambassador to the world of men”, or just to comic book nerds such as yourself?
PM: Des, even if you are a comic book nerd, you would be the king of comic book nerds, the living embodiment, the symbol, or avatar, if you will. Nerdliness made flesh, a God-emperor of comic book fandom.
Des: Thanks for coming to my defense, Prissy Minion… I guess. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Mitt Romney for President Campaign. Mitt Romney… it’s his turn! Although, really, it should be Jeb Bush’s turn.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.
SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.
Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?
OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.
SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.
Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?
OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Bears vs. Titans: 11-9-08
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-9-08
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Note: This episode presumed that John McCain would win the election.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Oedipus Rex barely squeaks out a win against the worst team in the NFL. Will the offense, defense, and special teams somehow pull themselves together just long enough to create a McCain-esque upset? And will this victory also depend upon coaches’ challenges to all 50 States of the Union?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Rainbow Bright Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Like Kyle Orton, me ankle has swollen to five times its normal size. Therefore, I’m predicting that Rex Grossman will score 7 touchdowns and throw 12 interceptions. The final score, laddies: Chicago- 49; Tennessee- 45.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?
CP: Well, the Bears have played in 2 Super Bowls under Republican presidents and 1 national championship during FDR’s presidency. The Cubs also won a world championship during a Roosevelt term—Teddy Roosevelt’s.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: If genius is pain, then Joe Buck’s life is an endless state of nirvana.
Des: Albert Einstein. Look through the tissue of lies for us.
AE: Guten tag, mein uber-fans. “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." Or a football in the hands of Rex Grossman… which, I guess means that science sometimes scores a touchdown… but then it gets intercepted by the military-industrial complex?? Is that what I’m driving at?
Des: Prissy Minion. What now?
PM: Oh, Des. Mike Singletary’s motivational techniques…
Des: …and that’s all the time we have. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you laugh, make you cry, but most important, make you think. Did I say “think”? I meant “drink”. In a good way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)