BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.
Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.
Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?
SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”
Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.
Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?
PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.
Showing posts with label Bud Light. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bud Light. Show all posts
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Bears vs. Vikings: 12-9-2012
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-9-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Bears be defense be able to play four, maybe five, quarters of football? Or will Jay Cutler be forced to run 1000 yards and score 50 points all by himself before being repeatedly crushed into a pile of goo, forcing the Bears to pick up a college rookie at quarterback, or… shudder… Tim Tebow? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “King Midas in Reverse” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and the clown prince of tailgate land, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I already mocked the Vikings two weeks ago, so it’s time for me to enter me own personal Hall of Shame as I review my picks for 2012. I chose the Jets to win the AFC East, but, hey, they be in second place… with a 5-7 record. Then there be the Titans, Cardinals, and Chargers, who should have won their divisions, but now languish in the Sargasso Sea of 4-8 records. Finally, there be the Philadelphia Eagles, who be the biggest disappointment to me since the Weather Channel’s attempt to name snowstorms like they do hurricanes failed to catch on. I still have a T-shirt that says “I survived Snowstorm Athena.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Vikings are 5-1 at home, Brian Urlacher is out with an injured hamstring, wide receiver Earl Bennett is out with a concussion, a shoulder injury has sidelined cornerback Tim Jennings, Adrian Peterson continues to get better, and the offensive line couldn’t stop a four year child on a Big Wheel. That said, the Bears will still win 30-10.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I keep pointing the label of my Bud Light bottle at the TV to make the Two Broke Girls commercial funny, but it ain’t working.
Des: Sally McChesty, we assigned you to watch the global radar to see if Santa has left the North Pole to deliver toys to good boys and girls. How’s that coming along?
SMC: Des, do you put any thought into these puff pieces? Christmas Eve isn’t for another 15 days. You might want to give Seattle a heads-up that a North Korean nuclear missile is heading their way, though.
Des: Modre. What insights do you have to share with us?
Modre: None that are worthy to share with your audience. But speaking of your “season of giving”, there is indeed a War on Christmas that I am waging, but it’s more passive-aggressive. Expect to receive 20 empty gift cards in the mail soon.
Des: Prissy Minion. What weirdly stalker-esque comments do you have to impart upon me today?
PM: Des, once again, you display an amiable sentimentality with loads of Jimmy Stewart-style character, in that you stammer a lot. Your lasting magnetism draws comedy from your cast of characters like mistletoe summons drunken oafs to make a horrible, horrible mistake that will take days, maybe weeks to undo.
Des: Somehow, I find that oddly reassuring… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the CBS lineup of Roseanne and Alice. I’m sorry; I meant to say Mike and Molly and Two Broke Girls.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Bears be defense be able to play four, maybe five, quarters of football? Or will Jay Cutler be forced to run 1000 yards and score 50 points all by himself before being repeatedly crushed into a pile of goo, forcing the Bears to pick up a college rookie at quarterback, or… shudder… Tim Tebow? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “King Midas in Reverse” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and the clown prince of tailgate land, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I already mocked the Vikings two weeks ago, so it’s time for me to enter me own personal Hall of Shame as I review my picks for 2012. I chose the Jets to win the AFC East, but, hey, they be in second place… with a 5-7 record. Then there be the Titans, Cardinals, and Chargers, who should have won their divisions, but now languish in the Sargasso Sea of 4-8 records. Finally, there be the Philadelphia Eagles, who be the biggest disappointment to me since the Weather Channel’s attempt to name snowstorms like they do hurricanes failed to catch on. I still have a T-shirt that says “I survived Snowstorm Athena.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Vikings are 5-1 at home, Brian Urlacher is out with an injured hamstring, wide receiver Earl Bennett is out with a concussion, a shoulder injury has sidelined cornerback Tim Jennings, Adrian Peterson continues to get better, and the offensive line couldn’t stop a four year child on a Big Wheel. That said, the Bears will still win 30-10.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I keep pointing the label of my Bud Light bottle at the TV to make the Two Broke Girls commercial funny, but it ain’t working.
Des: Sally McChesty, we assigned you to watch the global radar to see if Santa has left the North Pole to deliver toys to good boys and girls. How’s that coming along?
SMC: Des, do you put any thought into these puff pieces? Christmas Eve isn’t for another 15 days. You might want to give Seattle a heads-up that a North Korean nuclear missile is heading their way, though.
Des: Modre. What insights do you have to share with us?
Modre: None that are worthy to share with your audience. But speaking of your “season of giving”, there is indeed a War on Christmas that I am waging, but it’s more passive-aggressive. Expect to receive 20 empty gift cards in the mail soon.
Des: Prissy Minion. What weirdly stalker-esque comments do you have to impart upon me today?
PM: Des, once again, you display an amiable sentimentality with loads of Jimmy Stewart-style character, in that you stammer a lot. Your lasting magnetism draws comedy from your cast of characters like mistletoe summons drunken oafs to make a horrible, horrible mistake that will take days, maybe weeks to undo.
Des: Somehow, I find that oddly reassuring… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the CBS lineup of Roseanne and Alice. I’m sorry; I meant to say Mike and Molly and Two Broke Girls.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Bears vs. Vikings: 10-16-11
Pre-production meeting transcript:
Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.
PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.
Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.
SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!
PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.
Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.
PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?
Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion
PM: I’m ready.
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.
PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.
WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!
Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?
CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.
Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?
SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.
Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.
Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.
PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.
Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.
SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!
PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.
Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.
PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?
Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion
PM: I’m ready.
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.
PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.
WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!
Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?
CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.
Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.
Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?
SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.
Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!
Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.
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