Bears vs. Vikings: 12-9-2012

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-9-2012

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Bears be defense be able to play four, maybe five, quarters of football? Or will Jay Cutler be forced to run 1000 yards and score 50 points all by himself before being repeatedly crushed into a pile of goo, forcing the Bears to pick up a college rookie at quarterback, or… shudder… Tim Tebow? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “King Midas in Reverse” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and the clown prince of tailgate land, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I already mocked the Vikings two weeks ago, so it’s time for me to enter me own personal Hall of Shame as I review my picks for 2012. I chose the Jets to win the AFC East, but, hey, they be in second place… with a 5-7 record. Then there be the Titans, Cardinals, and Chargers, who should have won their divisions, but now languish in the Sargasso Sea of 4-8 records. Finally, there be the Philadelphia Eagles, who be the biggest disappointment to me since the Weather Channel’s attempt to name snowstorms like they do hurricanes failed to catch on. I still have a T-shirt that says “I survived Snowstorm Athena.”

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Vikings are 5-1 at home, Brian Urlacher is out with an injured hamstring, wide receiver Earl Bennett is out with a concussion, a shoulder injury has sidelined cornerback Tim Jennings, Adrian Peterson continues to get better, and the offensive line couldn’t stop a four year child on a Big Wheel. That said, the Bears will still win 30-10.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I keep pointing the label of my Bud Light bottle at the TV to make the Two Broke Girls commercial funny, but it ain’t working.

Des: Sally McChesty, we assigned you to watch the global radar to see if Santa has left the North Pole to deliver toys to good boys and girls. How’s that coming along?

SMC: Des, do you put any thought into these puff pieces? Christmas Eve isn’t for another 15 days. You might want to give Seattle a heads-up that a North Korean nuclear missile is heading their way, though.

Des: Modre. What insights do you have to share with us?

Modre: None that are worthy to share with your audience. But speaking of your “season of giving”, there is indeed a War on Christmas that I am waging, but it’s more passive-aggressive. Expect to receive 20 empty gift cards in the mail soon.

Des: Prissy Minion. What weirdly stalker-esque comments do you have to impart upon me today?

PM: Des, once again, you display an amiable sentimentality with loads of Jimmy Stewart-style character, in that you stammer a lot. Your lasting magnetism draws comedy from your cast of characters like mistletoe summons drunken oafs to make a horrible, horrible mistake that will take days, maybe weeks to undo.

Des: Somehow, I find that oddly reassuring… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the CBS lineup of Roseanne and Alice. I’m sorry; I meant to say Mike and Molly and Two Broke Girls.