Bears vs. Seahawks: 12-2-2012

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 12-2-2012


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a mighty drubbing of the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears build on this triumph to shellac another hapless team, or will this prove to be a trap game that results in every franchise Bears player getting injured? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Doggie Dogg” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 0.5 himself, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Much like last week, ye might falsely assume that I’d be blindly supporting the Seahawks, because they have the word “sea” as part of their name, and so I’d spasmodically slap my one good hand into me hook like a seal flapping its flippers, but, nay! There be nothing I can support about Seattle other than it’s presumably an easy town for ocean-based looting if the stereotypes about lethargic, apathetic Seattle grunge slackers from the 1990s still ring true today, like the music of Soundgarden still serves as me person anthem! There be nothing wrong about songs that sound like 6 to 10 minutes of just… intro! That be how I drove many coastal towns into surrender, by just parking a fleet of ships proudly waving the Jolly Roger, and staring menacingly at the land-lubbers until they’d give into our demands just to make us leave. That and playing Soundgarden loudly through our concert stadium speakers for 96 consecutive hours. Speaking of Bears football, which I started talking about when I first opened this case of Jamaican rum, which I’m just now finishing… uh, anyway… that’s what the Bears defense needs to win, an endless loop of Soundgarden, which is itself an endless loop, so you have a nice exponential multiplier effect of despair happening… but there’s probably a pretty substantial penalty for this musical crime against humanity, like a 50 fathom penalty, and an automatic keel-hauling.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Seahawks have the strong cornerback duo of Richard Sherman and Brandon Bower, Matt Forte’s ankle is still banged up, and Jay Cutler is under the pitiless glare of the media spotlight. That said, the Bears will still emerge on top 58-10 at the end of the first quarter.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I just spent the night shirtless while two men flanked me on both sides yelling insults at me, wiping me down while I’m eating painfully hot wings and knocking back some smooth drinking Bud Light, but I’m 100% hetero. There’s nothing wrong with a little manly humiliation. Just ask my imaginary ex-girlfriend.

Des: So, wait, Drunky… the best you can imagine for yourself is an ex-girlfriend?

DMD: I have self-esteem issues.

Des: Sally McChesty, we sent you down to a “Toys for Tots” event featuring former NFL legend Ron Shambles. How did it go?

SMC: Usually, Des, there’s nothing like a good Christmas-oriented photo op of yourself giving gifts to children to wipe away the normally indelible stains of one’s numerous crimes against property, basic human decency, and war orphans. Unless you go on a steroid fueled rampage and use your size 20 work boots to grind into dust some action figures of your own teammates. Which is what Ron Shambles did today at the Ronald McDonald House.

Des: Modre. Would you like to chime in here?

Modre: Are you referring to the “clanging chimes of doom” mentioned in your holiday flavor-ite Do They Know it’s Christmas? To answer that question, Des, I know all too well, my unenlightened yuletide besotted friend. All too well.

Des: Prissy Minion. What chalkboard-scraping praise do you have to bestow upon me this first weekend of December?

PM: Des, your Christmas episodes bring you to the depths of George Bailey on the bridge, Charlie Brown’s dead tree, shunned Rudolph, dead Tiny Tim, and melted Frosty sadness, but then bring us back to the joyous heights of Zu-Zu’s petals, Linus’s blanket, Santa’s acceptance (because Rudolph was briefly useful), the winter breeze that restored Frosty, and naked dancing Scrooge. You breathe new life into a depleted Christmas genre.

Des: Wait... naked, dancing Scrooge? I’ll have to think about, and then repress, that for a while… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game as magical as Bad Santa. And I mean that with no trace of irony.