BEARS VS CARDINALS: 12-23-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Arizona Cardinals after eliminating themselves from the playoffs last week. Will the Bears manage to win their last two games against mediocre teams? And will this be enough to save Coach Lovie Smith’s job? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “The Silence” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and puff-piece maestro, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, the Bears suffer yet enough late season decline and collapse. I’ve not seen this sort of slow degradation since the Roman, Byzantine, Ottoman, Austro-Hungarian, British, Soviet, and possibly… American… empires. What must the Bears do? If history must be misapplied again to an irrelevant context, I would say, in chronological order, avoid used lead plumbing, build better defenses against the Turks and the Crusaders, don’t rely on a army of slaves, avoid the perils of nationalism if you have a multi-ethnic empire that’s in the way of two other empires, don’t over-extend a sea-based empire and try to avoid being bankrupted by two world wars, don’t enact sweeping reforms without developing a broad base of support, and don’t over-borrow from the Chinese. Although, in truth, the Bears just need a better offensive line.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 75-42 against teams in cities where the average age of its residents is a hundred and nineteen, nineteen, na na na na, nineteen, nineteen.
Des: All those who remember that reference, they won’t forget what they’ve seen. Destruction of comedy in its prime…
SR: None of us will receive a hero’s welcome, either. And rightfully so. Season’s beatings, ye wretched land-lubbers!
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