Bears vs. Vikings: 11-25-2012

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-25-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against a resurgent Minnesota Vikings after a beat down from the San Francisco 49ers. Will the return of Jay Cutler restore some life to the Bears offense, or will one name resound throughout Chicagoland as the Bears’ only hope? Neckbeard… Neckbeard… NECKBEARD!!! To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Muscle Hamster” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 12 Steps to Comedy himself, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye might assume that I’d be cheering on the Vikings, since they indulge in boat-based plundering, but their purple uniforms inspire nothing but disgust, much like the old turquoise Tampa Bay Buccaneers outfits! Now there be a sartorial choice that inspired naught but losing records for a generation!

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears offense is 31st in the league in passing yards and 30th in overall yardage, and Adrian Peterson is unstoppable. That said, the Bears will still win 63-4.

Des: So the Vikings will get two safeties? I wouldn’t bet that in Vegas. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I managed to get Mall of America Field confused with the Mall of America, so I’ve been drunkenly shambling from department store to department store watching the game until the security guards chase me out. Go Bears!

Des: Also, the Bears don’t play in Minnesota until December 9th.

DMD: Oops.

Des: Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?

SMC: I don’t know what Captain Redbeard’s problem is with the Vikings’ uniforms. Did you know that the Phoenicians built their entire civilization on purple? They were famed in Classical Greece and Rome as 'traders in purple', referring to their monopoly on the precious purple dye of the Murex snail, used, among other things, for royal clothing, and for their spread of the alphabet (or abjad), from which all major modern phonetic alphabets are derived.

SR: Arrh, matey! That be some good cuttin’ and pasting from Wikipedia!

PM: Des?

Des: Prissy Minion. What disturbing praise do you have to lavish upon me this holiday season?

PM: Des, your body of work is simultaneously calculating and inspired. Your potent charisma issues a desperate cry for help to the entire 21st century while also transcending the constraints of cultural space and time.

Des: Uh, okay… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will continue the storied rivalry between the Windy City and the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. Personally, I was disappointed that Schaumburg surrendered the oversized mall race to the Mall of America. I wanted a monstrously huge mall that could be seen from space!