Bears vs. Texans: 11-11-12

BEARS VS. TEXANS: 11-11-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?

Des: 2012.

DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.

Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?

DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.

Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?

SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.

PM: Des?

Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?

PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.

Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.

Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!