Bears vs. Vikings: 10-16-11

Pre-production meeting transcript:

Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.

PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.

Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.

SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!

PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.

Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.

PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?

Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion

PM: I’m ready.


BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.

PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.

WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!

Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?

CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.

Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?

SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.

Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.