Bears vs. Cardinals: September 23, 2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a hard fought win against the Seahawks, a hollow, depleted husk of its once-mighty self. Will the Bears take advantage of a yet another lackluster team? And will anyone watch the Bears when you could watch the Cubs play the White Sox for the last game featuring legendary Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Release” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the technicolor shamblings of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, it be time for me to reveal my predictions for today’s game. So, after consuming a cocktail called “Bilge Swill” and crashing through the hollow hull of my pirate ship, only to be rescued by the watery hand of the Lady of the Lake, who inscribed today’s predictions with the mystic sword Excalibur, first upon my termite-infested peg leg, then when she ran out of room, on my sea water rusted hook for a hand, and then finally upon my pleated brow, which I will read using a shattered mirror broken upon the skull of many a foe, but mostly Aquaman. I have done many a team up with Black Manta, who still has the scariest voice ever heard on a late 1970s cartoon. Anyone who has watched the “Challenge of the Superfriends” knows what I’m talking about. Oh, yes: what will be the outcome of today’s game? The Bears will defeat the Cardinals 28-6, with the defense scoring all four touchdowns. Also, yrujni gnidne nosaes a evah lliw yksiburt.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are you bringing to the table today?

Concord: Des, even though nobody heeded my multiple quarterback strategy last week, I’m back again to provide another ritualistic coaching strategy you should follow even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. And here it is: Starting pitchers should pitch exactly 100 pitches per game. No more, no less. I don’t care if the pitcher is working on a no-hitter, if he’s down by 20 runs, if both shoulders are dislocated, or if his clothes have been knocked off by a line drive a la Charlie Brown. 100 pitches.

Des: Thank you, Concord. Drunky, even though I pride myself on not asking a question unless I’m prepared to hear the answer, what, uh, what is happening?

Drunky McDumbAss: I was enjoying myself tailgating at a bar called “Slumpy’s.” Except it turned out to be a mattress store called “Sleepy’s.”

Des: Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. You have the bubbly effervescence of an Alka Seltzer commercial sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Des: …which I have in my music collection somewhere, thanks to occasional friend of the blog Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears do battle in a game that will mathematically eliminate one or both teams in the third week of the season.

Bears vs. Vikings: 10-16-11

Pre-production meeting transcript:

Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.

PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.

Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.

SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!

PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.

Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.

PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?

Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion

PM: I’m ready.


BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.

PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.

WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!

Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?

CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.

Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?

SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.

Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.