Bears vs. Cardinals: September 23, 2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cardinals after a hard fought win against the Seahawks, a hollow, depleted husk of its once-mighty self. Will the Bears take advantage of a yet another lackluster team? And will anyone watch the Bears when you could watch the Cubs play the White Sox for the last game featuring legendary Sox broadcaster Hawk Harrelson?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sweet Release” Red-beard, Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, former Bears Coach Marc Trestman, and the technicolor shamblings of Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, it be time for me to reveal my predictions for today’s game. So, after consuming a cocktail called “Bilge Swill” and crashing through the hollow hull of my pirate ship, only to be rescued by the watery hand of the Lady of the Lake, who inscribed today’s predictions with the mystic sword Excalibur, first upon my termite-infested peg leg, then when she ran out of room, on my sea water rusted hook for a hand, and then finally upon my pleated brow, which I will read using a shattered mirror broken upon the skull of many a foe, but mostly Aquaman. I have done many a team up with Black Manta, who still has the scariest voice ever heard on a late 1970s cartoon. Anyone who has watched the “Challenge of the Superfriends” knows what I’m talking about. Oh, yes: what will be the outcome of today’s game? The Bears will defeat the Cardinals 28-6, with the defense scoring all four touchdowns. Also, yrujni gnidne nosaes a evah lliw yksiburt.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are you bringing to the table today?

Concord: Des, even though nobody heeded my multiple quarterback strategy last week, I’m back again to provide another ritualistic coaching strategy you should follow even when it makes absolutely no sense to do so. And here it is: Starting pitchers should pitch exactly 100 pitches per game. No more, no less. I don’t care if the pitcher is working on a no-hitter, if he’s down by 20 runs, if both shoulders are dislocated, or if his clothes have been knocked off by a line drive a la Charlie Brown. 100 pitches.

Des: Thank you, Concord. Drunky, even though I pride myself on not asking a question unless I’m prepared to hear the answer, what, uh, what is happening?

Drunky McDumbAss: I was enjoying myself tailgating at a bar called “Slumpy’s.” Except it turned out to be a mattress store called “Sleepy’s.”

Des: Prissy Minion. Make me feel better about myself.

Prissy Minion: Oh, Des. You have the bubbly effervescence of an Alka Seltzer commercial sung by Sammy Davis, Jr.

Des: …which I have in my music collection somewhere, thanks to occasional friend of the blog Stronger Than Dirt Pete Moss.

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears do battle in a game that will mathematically eliminate one or both teams in the third week of the season.