Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Dolphins, another surprisingly strong team. Will the Bears maintain their
winning formula of dominant defense, competent quarterbacking, and capitalizing
on their opponents errors? Or will they fail to drown out that annoying sound
in the background of Donald Trump giving a slew of pointless incoherent rage tirades
about the NFL not seen since the days of the Fabulous Sports Babe or Jay
Mariotti?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eternal Sunshine” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie
Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and joining our panel for the first time,
the non-linear poetry of dirty Beret del Mundo.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! No
one would have believed that the Bears would start the season with a 3-0
record. And by “no-one”, I mean “me”, who predicted that the Bears would go
1-15 this season, beating only the Giants. ‘Twill require a fortnight of floggings,
keel haulings, and plank walking to salve my shame. And, by “fortnight”, I mean
a two week period of time, not the Tamaguchi of this misbegotten generation.
Sally: Captain, are you
referring to Tamagotchi, the digital pet, or Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Olympic
Gold Medalist in figure skating?
Redbeard: Which answer would
earn your respect, me beauteous sea maiden?
Sally: dirty Beret del Mundo.
Would you cleanse the palette of the conversation that just took place?
dirty Beret del Mundo: When
the loaded drunken base 10 stealers of yester-morrow’s Ice 9 gender thieves
have unraveled the final tapestry of angrily barbed Interwebs, who will gurgle
the final blood filled oxygen tents of mankind’s desperate failed relationships
of the rust-covered, rust-hued iguana tears of a pale faced masonry that a
nation of racially insulting sports mascots dance shame-faced upon the
Astro-terrific graves of Bourbon American spirits in a material world?
Sally: I don’t know. Joe
Buck? Our so-called leader speaks: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in
tailgate land?
Drunky: In my case, they use
more than words to try to jail me.
Sally: Concord Peabody. Are you
still giving pointlessly ritualistic coaching strategies?
Concord: Justin Verlander did
that for me this week with his Supercuts commercial in which he counts off
everything he does by threes. I didn’t need to know that he has to use the
third bathroom stall. What does he do at home?
Sally: The same thing I do:
Keep building additions on my palatial mansion. End transmission.
No comments:
Post a Comment