Bears vs. Dolphins: 10-14-2018

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dolphins, another surprisingly strong team. Will the Bears maintain their winning formula of dominant defense, competent quarterbacking, and capitalizing on their opponents errors? Or will they fail to drown out that annoying sound in the background of Donald Trump giving a slew of pointless incoherent rage tirades about the NFL not seen since the days of the Fabulous Sports Babe or Jay Mariotti?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eternal Sunshine” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and joining our panel for the first time, the non-linear poetry of dirty Beret del Mundo.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! No one would have believed that the Bears would start the season with a 3-0 record. And by “no-one”, I mean “me”, who predicted that the Bears would go 1-15 this season, beating only the Giants. ‘Twill require a fortnight of floggings, keel haulings, and plank walking to salve my shame. And, by “fortnight”, I mean a two week period of time, not the Tamaguchi of this misbegotten generation.

Sally: Captain, are you referring to Tamagotchi, the digital pet, or Kristi Yamaguchi, the 1992 Olympic Gold Medalist in figure skating?

Redbeard: Which answer would earn your respect, me beauteous sea maiden?

Sally: dirty Beret del Mundo. Would you cleanse the palette of the conversation that just took place?

dirty Beret del Mundo: When the loaded drunken base 10 stealers of yester-morrow’s Ice 9 gender thieves have unraveled the final tapestry of angrily barbed Interwebs, who will gurgle the final blood filled oxygen tents of mankind’s desperate failed relationships of the rust-covered, rust-hued iguana tears of a pale faced masonry that a nation of racially insulting sports mascots dance shame-faced upon the Astro-terrific graves of Bourbon American spirits in a material world?

Sally: I don’t know. Joe Buck? Our so-called leader speaks: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

Drunky: In my case, they use more than words to try to jail me.

Sally: Concord Peabody. Are you still giving pointlessly ritualistic coaching strategies?

Concord: Justin Verlander did that for me this week with his Supercuts commercial in which he counts off everything he does by threes. I didn’t need to know that he has to use the third bathroom stall. What does he do at home?

Sally: The same thing I do: Keep building additions on my palatial mansion. End transmission.

Bears vs. Packers: 11-26-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers one year after their horrible beating from the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears seek Tur-duck-en Day redemption against a Green Bay team that is a shadow of its former self, but a shadow that still dominates the NFC North? Or will tonight’s 8:30 pm game fail to rouse anyone from a tryptophan coma?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kilgore Trout” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose rum-besotted ancestors crashed the Mayflower into a God-forsaken hellhole called “New England,” Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Ye don’t want to know what happens when I “Billy Pilgrim” me way into me distant past, and especially into me distant future. And so it goes with me second annual Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers with 2-8 records. The Browns have benched Johnny Football for hoisting champagne. Given the terrible state of Cleveland football, getting hammered be the only rational, nay the only functional, response one can expect. Meanwhile, the citizens of Los Angeles must be thinking, “Billions of taxpayer dollars for a football stadium, the second biggest television market, and the best we can hope for are the Chargers, Raiders, and Rams?

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The Bears have never played the Packers on Thanksgiving before. Brett Favre is being honored at halftime for some reason. Outside of the Cowboys (29-17-1) and Lions (35-38-2), the Bears (16-15-2) have the most Thanksgiving Day victories followed by the Packers (14-19-2). What does that mean for today’s Thanksgiving game? Absolutely nothing! Go Bears!

Drunky: Here’s some Thanksgiving trivia you probably don’t want to hear: Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest “bar night” of the year. More people go to their favorite watering hole than any other time of the year, which I know all too well, because my local bar, Slumpy’s, won’t let me come in because they don’t want me to scare all of those punk college kids visiting mommy and daddy. No, Slumpy’s suddenly wants to give those kids the fake blue collar experience by only allowing their more sober, less racist regulars to come in so they can sell Pabst Blue Ribbon at 3 times the regular price. But I’ll be back the first weekday in December.

Ellie: I’ve got even more Thanksgiving Trivia the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know… or maybe they do, because I saw this on every Thanksgiving web site. Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers? That’s why our “water closet” is outside, if by “water” you mean “hole”, and by “closet” you mean “shack.”

Des: So… a shack-hole, then. Doctor McChesty, would you encapsulate things with one magnificent sentence?

Sally: Now that I’m done brushing off Captain Redbeard’s clumsy, drunken advances…

Redbeard: Ah, me beauteous mermaid! Would ye like a waft of me cod cologne?

Sally: Ugh! Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that probably won’t draw viewers away from the Alice’s Restaurant 50^th Anniversary Concert.