Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Green Bay Packers one year after their horrible beating from the Detroit
Lions. Will the Bears seek Tur-duck-en Day redemption against a Green Bay team
that is a shadow of its former self, but a shadow that still dominates the NFC
North? Or will tonight’s 8:30 pm game fail to rouse anyone from a tryptophan coma?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kilgore Trout” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie
Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose rum-besotted ancestors crashed the
Mayflower into a God-forsaken hellhole called “New England,” Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Ye
don’t want to know what happens when I “Billy Pilgrim” me way into me distant
past, and especially into me distant future. And so it goes with me second
annual Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the
NFL: ‘Tis the Cleveland Browns and San Diego Chargers with 2-8 records. The
Browns have benched Johnny Football for hoisting champagne. Given the terrible
state of Cleveland football, getting hammered be the only rational, nay the
only functional, response one can expect. Meanwhile, the citizens of Los
Angeles must be thinking, “Billions of taxpayer dollars for a football stadium,
the second biggest television market, and the best we can hope for are the
Chargers, Raiders, and Rams?
Des: Concord Peabody. Surely
you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.
Concord: The Bears have never
played the Packers on Thanksgiving before. Brett Favre is being honored at
halftime for some reason. Outside of the Cowboys (29-17-1) and Lions (35-38-2),
the Bears (16-15-2) have the most Thanksgiving Day victories followed by the
Packers (14-19-2). What does that mean for today’s Thanksgiving game?
Absolutely nothing! Go Bears!
Drunky: Here’s some
Thanksgiving trivia you probably don’t want to hear: Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest
“bar night” of the year. More people go to their favorite watering hole than
any other time of the year, which I know all too well, because my local bar,
Slumpy’s, won’t let me come in because they don’t want me to scare all of those
punk college kids visiting mommy and daddy. No, Slumpy’s suddenly wants to give
those kids the fake blue collar experience by only allowing their more sober,
less racist regulars to come in so they can sell Pabst Blue Ribbon at 3 times
the regular price. But I’ll be back the first weekday in December.
Ellie: I’ve got even more
Thanksgiving Trivia the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know… or maybe
they do, because I saw this on every Thanksgiving web site. Did you know that
the day after Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year for plumbers? That’s
why our “water closet” is outside, if by “water” you mean “hole”, and by “closet”
you mean “shack.”
Des: So… a shack-hole, then.
Doctor McChesty, would you encapsulate things with one magnificent sentence?
Sally: Now that I’m done
brushing off Captain Redbeard’s clumsy, drunken advances…
Redbeard: Ah, me beauteous
mermaid! Would ye like a waft of me cod cologne?
Sally: Ugh! Sit back and
watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that probably won’t draw
viewers away from the Alice’s Restaurant 50th Anniversary Concert.
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