Des: So, last year, we didn’t
perform a ton of Bears episodes, aside from our three token presentations: the
Bears season prediction episode, the treasure map to the Super Bowl outing, and
our Chum Bucket of the NFL selection. With all of the controversies about
concussions and protesting police brutality during the National Anthem and the
Bears continuing to be mediocre at best, football was not a fertile field for
comedy for us last year.
Sally: Along with destroying
everything else that’s good about America, and humanity in general, Trump
destroyed comedy by making it impossible to exaggerate anything for comedic
effect.
Des: Trump far exceeded my
standard New Year’s resolution to single handedly bring down America’s Gross National
Product. And I deliberately use “National” instead of “Domestic.” I’m no
globalist!
Sally: However, given the
comedy maxim “tragedy plus time equals comedy”… even while the tragedy is still
ongoing… we thought it was time to try to pick up where we left off.
Des: Too soon?
Sally: Always.
Des: Excellent! So let’s give
this a shot… of Jack Daniels… Honey Whiskey. Welcome to another edition of the Chicago
Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a
heartbreaking loss to the Green Bay Packers. Or it would be heartbreaking if I
were not already numbed after numerous losses to our hated Lumbermen of the
North. Will the Bears defeat one other team besides the New York Giants? Or
will Chicago fans have naught to look forward to after the Cubs emerge
triumphant against the Red Sox in this year’s World Series?
To answer these, and similar questions, is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody. Captain Silas Charles “Wandy” Redbeard.
Modre, the trans-Western Guru. Drunky McDumb-Ass. Dr. Sally McChesty.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Last
year, I had forsaken all of my aquatic deities when I unrolled the Treasure Map
to the Super Bowl after tracing it on butcher paper from an overhead projector
I used during a Ted Talk on Piracy in the 21st Century. I mostly
just staggered around on stage mumbling random things about unfurling your
inner Jolly Roger and don’t be afraid to falsely cry “Land Ho!” from your
metaphorical crow’s nest after burning the ladder. After various homemade
anti-psychotic medications deprived me of my prophetic visions, only two of my
picks went on to the playoffs: the Patriots and the Falcons. This year, I have
returned to the celestial well filled to bursting with the tears of Poseidon,
Tethys, Neptune, Aquaman, and various Kraken to carve this year’s Treasure Map
to the Super Bowl on the walls of the National Archives. Or maybe it was a
closed down Sears. Anyway:
Gazing upon the broken wreck that is the AFC, I foresee the
Bills, Ravens, Titans, and Chargers dominating their divisions in the sense
that they won by one or two games, with the Patriots and Steelers sneaking into
the playoffs like a thief in the night as Wild Card Winners.
Meanwhile, in the NFC, I envision the Cowboys, Lions,
Panthers, and Seahawks conquering their division by winning more games than the
others, with the Eagles and Vikings conniving their way into the Wild Card
Round with the style and finesse of a used car salesman.
And now for the outcome that is more predictable than every
John Hughes movie: the Patriots will defeat the Panthers in a rematch of one of
at least ten Super Bowls in the previous decade.
Des: Captain, you’ve picked
the Patriots to win every Super Bowl in the 21st Century.
Redbeard: Aye! And I’ve been
right 90% of the time. Given how often and predictably the Patriots win the
Super Bowl, I wonder why anyone bothers to watch. It can’t be the halftime
show, and the last Super Bowl commercial to pierce my rum induced haze was Bud
Bowl V, when a case of Falstaff beer annihilated a hapless team of Bud Bock
scab players. At least that’s how I remember the 1990s.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Let’s
check in with Concord Wainwright Peabody.
Concord: I have reimagined my
character as providing weirdly inappropriately mechanistic coaching strategies.
Des: Why don’t you just say
“obsessive compulsive” coaching strategies?
Concord: That is deeply
offensive! This week’s strategy for the Bears is to overcome the single
dimensionality of Bears quarterbacks by using three quarterbacks: One for the
first three quarters, a relief quarterback for the fourth quarter, or sooner,
once the opposing defense has completely figured out Trubisky, then they should
use a third quarterback that specializes in high speed two minute offense. It
works in baseball.
Sally: Thank you, Concord.
End transmission.
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