Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.

Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.

SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.

Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?

OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!