Bears vs. Saints: 9-18-2011

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 9-18-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the New Orleans Saints after a convincing drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished in 2010? Or will the loss of Brian Urlacher rip the heart out of the Bears, much like the loss of Richie Cunningham tore out the soul of Happy Days?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bar Sinister” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and feminist icon Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! If it’s limitless booty ye seek, look nae further than Captain Redbeard’s patented Treasure Map to the Superbowl! ‘Tis an ironclad guarantee of gambling-based wealth. Ye’d think that, as a sailor, I’d know a thing or two about ironclads, yet, ironically, I always found that part of Civil War history to be the most boring. The only thing I like about Civil War naval history is the “Anaconda strategy” because I have no idea what that’s talking about, but coastal cities always give in to my demands when I threaten them with my Anaconda.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… the Treasure Map to the Superbowl! In the AFC, I foresee the Patriots, Ravens, Jaguars, and the Chargers hoisting divisional banners, while the Bengals, and Broncos sneak in as wild cards. In the NFC, I envision the Giants, Bears, Saints, and the Rams standing proud atop the shipwrecked hopes of their divisional rivals, while the Panthers, and Cardinals suffer the endless shame of entering the playoffs as a wild card.

Des: Captain, didn’t the Packers win the Superbowl as a wild card?

SR: And they will live with that shame forever. Prepare yourselves for this shocker: I predict a repeat of Superbowl XX: Bears defeat Patriots, although I predict the victory coming down to a single field goal.

Des: Captain, when I looked over your divisional picks from last year, I couldn’t help but notice that, while you were correct in picking the Eagles, Bears, and Falcons to win their divisions, you were totally wrong about the AFC, and you picked the Jets to beat the Eagles in last year’s Superbowl instead of the Packers beating the Steelers. The only “ironclad” guarantee I’m seeing here is a gambling debt bigger than that proposed by Obama’s new stimulus package.

SR: ARRRH, Des, ye might want to consider givin’ up your day job writing jokes for Fox News.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, the Saints statistically have had a speed advantage at home games, their defense wants to avenge their poor showing against Green Bay last week, and the Saints as a whole seem to have some personal issues against Jay Cutler. That said, the Bears will still win 42 to 7.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for the Bears this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.” No better example of this exists than replay review.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on today’s game?

WW: It’s so typical for football fans to consider me a “feminist icon”. What next, foxy boxers, mud wresters, and Courtney Love?

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. You exert an unparalleled influence over sports commentary that exists to this day… almost as much as Terry Bradshaw.

Des: Ouch. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will hopefully not result in an Obama-esque squandering of all their considerable advantages.