Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012

BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?

Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.

Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?

CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.

Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.

SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.

Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.