Bears vs. Cowboys: 10-1-12

BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 10-1-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys as both teams stand atop their divisions with 2-1 records. Will the Bears repeat last week’s victory formula of strong defense, solid field goal kicking, and an offense that showed flashes of competence? Or will Tony Romo be able to “control what [he] can control” and send Bears fandom into an over-reactive power dive of despair?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tippi Turtle” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and what passes for gender equality in the NFL: Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye will address me as Senator Roobaert, for that will soon be me job title and plausible alias after the November 6 election.

Des: Captain, are you running as a Tea Party candidate?

SR: Nay! As much as I would enjoy the endorsement from the party named after an event of piracy, the Tea Party name has exhausted its usefulness as a clever rebranding of the Republican Party. Now the Republicans need yet another American Revolution-themed brand name. I’m thinking of calling ourselves the “John Paul Jones” Party.

Des: That’s actually fairly clever, Captain, since he’s famous for saying “I have not yet begun to fight.” That’s a built-in rallying cry.

SR: It may be more appropriate to call us the “Intolerable Acts” Party once you see the legislation we’ll be enacting. But the media will be too focused on my cleverly disguised distraction that, when you type in “Roobaert”, spell-check transforms it to “Boob art”.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears continue to struggle on offense, Matt Forte remains injured, and Tony Romo is harder to kill than some horrible Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris/Doctor Who hybrid. But the Cowboys also have a player named “Dez”. Therefore, Bears win 54-3.

Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Numerous ancient faiths and civilizations celebrate harvest holidays at this time of year. Since most of you pathetic Westerners have no idea where food comes from, it would be most fitting to have the horrible “Soylent Green Revelation Day”.

Des: All right. So far we have two members of our BEARS panel that have not even commented on FOOTBALL!! Sally McChesty. Did your interview with Paul Ryan make a passing reference to football?

SMC: Des, my Paul Ryan interview started with a tortured comparison between the replacement referees and Barack Obama. The exact quote was, "It's time to get the real refs. And do you know what; it reminds me of President Obama and the economy. If you can't get it right, it's time to get out." Then he started to make other random comparisons. “And what does the ‘check engine’ light remind me of? Barack Obama. ATM fees? Barack Obama. Trying to program your VCR? Barack Obama. Mismatched socks? Barack Obama.”

Des: Hey, those are some good comedy stylings. Here’s a good one: What does the Rubric’s Cube remind me of? Barack Obama.

SMC: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of Walter Mondale, Captain Flashback?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a Monday Night matchup that might tear people away from “Dancing with the Stars” if they didn’t feature more Dallas Cowboys all stars!