Bears vs. Colts: 9-9-12

BEARS VS. COLTS: 9-9-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
          The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.

Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?

SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.

Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.

Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.

Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.

SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.

Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!