BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-12


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.

Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!

SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?

Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.

Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.

Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.

Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?

SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.

Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.