Bears vs. Raiders: 10-4-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Raiders after a tough loss in which the offense failed to go beyond the 45 yard line for the entire game. With the Bears season being over before it truly began, the only real question is, Will the Cubs surpass the Pirates and play the wild card game at historic Wrigley Field? Or would the North Siders be better served if they played at Pittsburgh and avoided the various curses of Billy Goats, Harry Caray, and a new idiot fan who costs the Cubs the game somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Gargle-licious” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose intoxicated shamblings were the inspiration for every zombie movie and TV show ever made, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Given that this be Week 4 of the NFL season, just as high tide must follow low tide (although this daily fact of nautical existence continues to surprise me as the sweet kiss of Jamaican rum enfoggens me vision more completely than the thickest cloud bank could e’er enshroud fabled 19^th century London when the fog be truly 90% soot and 10% cholera), now be time for Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL, the team that will fail to win a single game this season. There be three teams competing for this dubious honor, the New Orleans Saints, and two within the once-mighty NFC North: the Detroit Lions, and, sadly, the Chicago Football Bears, if indeed “football” is the appropriate sport to affix upon this struggling franchise—although “struggling” implies that the team be fighting hard to prevent its dark fate—but I repeatedly digress to keep the pain at bay. As me numerous disparaging remarks imply, ‘tis me sad duty to inform you the listener/reader/impressed midshipman that, for the first time in the lost eternity in which I have delivered Bears pre-contest coverage, I foresee Chicago as the team to go winless. Any captain whose command of the obvious includes “We need to generate more than zero points to win games, there's no doubt" be one who has already lost command of his vessel.

Des: That is bad news, Captain. Although last year’s Chum Bucket, the Jacksonville Jaguars, were not the worst team in the NFL, they only won three games; nothing to be proud of. And your 2013 Chum Bucket, Washington, also was only the second-worst team, also with a 3-13 record.

Redbeard: Aye, Des. Me Curse of the Crimson Beard Stubble is actually worse than an 0-16 record, for a 3-13 record deprives ye of a decent draft pick. Sorry, everybody.

Des: This is even more depressing than usual. Transitioning from one miserable alcoholic to another, would you welcome: Drunky McDumbAss, a.k.a. W.C. Fields without the comedy, which, I guess would make you Andy Capp. Here’s a fun fact: Andy Capp is shorthand for “handicap”, which makes his cheddar fries a horrible, horrible symbol of intolerance. Drunky, why don’t you enjoy those barely edible hate crimes at Fed Ex Field while watching the Washington Football Team Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken by Anyone Born After 1990?

Drunky: When you say “hate crime”, Des, do you mean a hate crime against my digestive system? Because I’ve already got that covered by decades of non-stop binge drinking.

Des: Drunky, doesn’t “binge drinking” imply that there are periods of time when you stop drinking?

Drunky: That’s very hurtful, Des. Not just to me, but to the entire Alcoholic-American community.

Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

Concord: While I’m not encouraged by the prospect of our starting quarterback being someone whose last name is “Fales”, I have to believe that the Oakland Raiders will go back to being the gift that keeps on giving to their opponents. Bears win 9-0 on the mighty leg of Robbie Gould as a rejuvenated Bears “D” will put the offense on the Raiders’ 20 yard line repeatedly—and the offense will lose 15 to 20 yards every time. The Bears’ key to victory will be a defense that gains more yards off of turnovers than all 20 quarterbacks the Bears audition this Sunday—the Bears quarterback carousel will feature everyone who sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley this year in hopes that some of the magic will rub off.

Des: This episode is surprisingly heavy on the football. Modre, would you delightfully distract us from our football doldrums with some Donald Trump?

Modre: “The bewilderbeest that fumbles through the darkest of the unseen light that bursts through the barrel of a water gun filled to bursting with the angry tears of tomorrow’s lumberjack maven—this, this be the one to lead ye to parts once unknown now uncomprehended. This, this be the one who wears the crown of would-be Putin-esque despotism most uneasily.” This, this be the one tagged by the future Facebook imperfect of history as “Joe Don Baker Trump.”

Des: That’s cleansing the palate with an SOS pad. Prissy Minion. Engage.

Prissy Minion: As the Founding Father of Casio Tone Nation, you, more than anyone, must appreciate the re-emergence and subsequent collapse of all that was once late 20^th century mainstays, especially the Bush and Clinton dynasties.

Des: Donald Trump may yet prove to be the 1980s most evil revenge.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, last week, you used me as a puppet to mock the NFC South, but, in reality, the NFC South has two undefeated teams while your North division has two teams that have yet to feel victory’s sweet embrace? Who’s laughing now?

Des: Not anyone who has watched the Carl’s Jr. Tex-Mex commercial.

Sally: While forced topic transitions are your bread and butter, your mission statement, your comedic raison d’etre, if you will, that Carl’s Jr. reference was a masterpiece in contortion comedy.

Des: Doctor Sally McChesty. Would you clump and seal this episode?

Sally: As long as I’m not the one cleaning out this metaphorical catbox. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play against the only team they might have a chance of beating this season. That’s right, Captain, I’m mocking your beloved Raiders. Or better yet, the Cubs are on at 2:10. Go watch them.