Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Detroit Lions in the Race to Get to .500. Will the Bears take this
opportunity to notch their third win against a very, very beatable team? Or
will a Bears loss send the team scrambling to trade Matt Forte to build toward
a future that may never come?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eurotrash” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie
Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As
ye know all too well, I predict weather through me various physical ailments
and predict sports by me communion with various obscure deities from ancient, now
defunct, Parthenons. Sadly, recent events have forced me to combine the two, as
I am now cursed by numerous gods. Famed volcano goddess Pele has singed me
ginger beard, which means we’ll have snow flurries tonight and Jay Cutler will
score two touchdowns and fumble the ball twice. Then the Norse god of thunder,
Thor, will cause an uncomfortable electric tingling in me hook that serves as
me right hand, which can only mean partly cloudy skies tomorrow with a high of
50 degrees and also a Bears special teams player, who has wallowed in obscurity
until today, will return a punt for a touchdown. Finally, Xochiquetzal—the
Aztec goddess of plants, I guess?—has given me a bout of toe fungus, so, I’m
thinkin’ we’ll be seeing a bright harvest moon tonight with a low dippin’ down
to 29 degrees and at least one interception returned for a touchdown.
Des: “Weather and sports--
together.” Finally, a marketable slogan for the good captain.
Sally: A huge improvement
from his current slogan: “Weather, sports, and anger all wrapped in a tiny
little package of hate.”
Des: Modre. Fog up the mind
with a gentle mist of inscrutability.
Modre: “The ones who best
predict the future are the ones who define the future.” I define “future” as
“flabbitty tabb tabb rinkitty dink dink sham sham shammitty sham bop… that’s
the way it should be… wahoooo… yeah!”
Des: Let’s turn now to our
panelist who’s less insightful than a two year old’s crayon wall scrawlings:
Drunky McDumbass.
Drunky: Des, I’m going to
horn in on your territory by making a terrible joke in response to something
that was said 20 minutes ago. To wit: the only Keystone XL Pipeline I care
about is my 1000 week Keystone Keg Club subscription where they send me a keg
every Friday.
Des: Drunky, how much did you
pay for that subscription?
Drunky: 1K
Des: Concord Peabody. Do you
have anything for us?
Concord: I’ve heard that many
states are considering having their own fantasy football leagues in a desperate
effort to save their pension funds. To the listeners reading at home, I’d like
to be your state’s Secretary of Fantasy Football so I can finally enjoy some of
that sweet, sweet money.
Des: In a serious vein, I’d
like to see a Draft Kings vs. Fan Duel Pro Bowl, featuring the biggest money
makers of each league choosing the two teams. Prissy Minion. Take this to the
outer limits of what the English language can communicate.
Prissy Minion: Des, what the
world needs now may be beyond your
ability. What the world wants now,
you’ve got in spades.
Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.
What fricasseed wisdom do you have for us today?
Ellie Mae: Des, out of sheer
boredom, I watched the Weather Channel’s “3 Scientists Walk Into a Bar”, which
would be better titled “3 Drunks Talk About Science in a Bar.” “See, what
people should do is, what they should do is, teach about volcanoes by driving a
bloodhound in a back of a pickup truck next to my twelve gauge and blow up some
ping pong balls in the middle of a football field while some guy with a thick Southern
drawl randomly makes some science noises like ‘caldera’ and ‘vent pipe’ and ‘P-waves’
and ‘S-waves’ and na-haw-haw-hawwww.”
Des:
Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna tear anyone away from Doctor Who. Speaking of fictional doctors: Doctor McChesty. You drew
the short straw.
Sally: So I did. So I did. Sit
back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game that represents a huge
time commitment if you combine it with Sunday night’s Cubs game. Those of you
reading at home may want to deeply assess whether your marriage can survive six
hours of sports viewing.
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