Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the San Francisco 49ers after an unprecedented win for Jay Cutler at sopping
wet Lambeau Field. Will the Bears begin Phase Two of what future sports
historians will describe as the Bears Inevitable March to Super Bowl Glory? Or
will today’s game yield bitter disappointment against the future Los Angeles 49ers?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts:
Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Love Minnow” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie
Mae MacGillicutty, and the man whose Hoover Dam-sized bladder could not be
tamed by a boxcar of Mybetriq, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! How
dare ye call me the “Love Minnow”, Des! Some call me the Space Pirate, some
call me the Land-Shark of Love, some people call me Maurice, because I speak of
the what-have-you of love…
Des: Hey, I’m just going by
what I heard from Sally McChesty.
Sally: Oh, no, Des, don’t
make me a pawn of whatever fake male bonding is supposed to take place among a
sports panel. Why don’t the five of you get on a Potemkin football field to
model plays that somehow end with prolonged tackling?
Redbeard: Nay! Countless
centuries of drunken marauding have exposed me to numerous diseases as yet
unnamed by science, which have swollen all of me internal organs to the point
where they would become external organs if a butterfly were to flap its wings
in China.
Des: Captain. you’d think
that image you just painted would be horrific enough to erase the walking
bladder I saw on TV that haunts my nightmares, but I would be sadly mistaken.
Concord Peabody. Would you get us back to football?
Concord: Gladly, Des. There’s
nothing I like better than football games that ruin storybook endings, like the
Bears beating the Packers after the heartfelt embrace of Bart Starr and Brett
Favre, or a second string quarterback ending the Patriots unbeaten season.
Unfortunately, that shameful joy may come back to bite me in today’s 49ers game
because this game is supposed to be the revenge of Adam Gase and Vic Fangio
against a San Francisco team that passed them over for a head coaching
position. Nevertheless, Bears win 49-20.
Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty.
What do you have for us?
Ellie: I once saw a version
of Roadkill Turducken…
Des: And that’s all the time
we have, sports fans. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that
will confound fantasy footballers everywhere because… that’s really easy to do.
