Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is
being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza begins
episode 2 of its ongoing series of watching the Cubs post-season play while
occasionally commenting on the Bears. We will be observing innings 5 and 6 of NLCS
game 1 against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Where are we watching this, everybody?
The Ground Round? Wag’s? Do those places even exist anymore?
So…the Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jaguars after
a forgettable loss against the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears be able to
recapture a television audience once the Cubs complete their quest for a World
Series championship? Or will there be yet another opening for yet another comic
book based TV series on Netflix?
Sally: Enrique Hernandez
lines out sharply to shortstop Addison Russell.
Des: To answer these and
similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain
Silas Charles “Ungalunga” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy
Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and
football’s answer to Charlie Brown, Coach Marc Trestman.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Deep
within this ancient mariner’s heart lies the hope that all the celebrities
attending tonight’s Cubs game will sing a 10 minute long version of “We Are the
World” during the 7th inning stretch. ‘Twould truly be a most
memorable sea chanty.
Sally: Joc Peterson bunt
grounds out to third baseman Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.
Pinch-hitter Andre Ethier replaces Kenta Maeda.
Modre: When ancient curses
die upon the lathe of the Coke bottle Malcolm X glasses of tomorrow’s retro
style councils, who will remain to taste the remaining ash can Budweiser of a
thousand Harry Caray statues clapping and singing a tune that can never die?
Sally: I don’t know. Drunky
McDumbAss? Andre Ethier homers on a fly ball to left center field.
Drunky: Having been banned
for life from all of Wrigleyville, I’m watching tonight’s deep within a Trump
rally in New Hampshire.
Sally: Again with the Trump
reference. Howie Kendrick grounds out to shortstop Addison Russell to first
baseman Anthony Russell, which ends the top of the fifth inning.
Concord: Nate Silver gives
Clinton an 85.5% chance of winning this election, up 4% from last week. There
may still be 4 or 5 people left in America who Trump hasn’t personally insulted
or sued yet. Go Trump!
Sally: The bottom of the
fifth inning begins with a pitching change. Pedro Baez replaces Kenta Maeda,
batting 9th, replacing Andre Ethier
Prissy Minion: Kenda? As in
Joe Kenda, of Homicide Hunter fame? His rich baritone reminds me of your
singing voice, Des. Or Leonard Nimoy’s.
Sally: Kris Bryant walks.
Ellie Mae: I support Trump
because he will pardon the cast of Duck Dynasty for crimes they are likely to
commit in the future.
Sally: Anthony Rizzo strikes
out swinging.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys!
Forget what I said about Chicago celebrities performing We Are the World. For
my Chum Bucket list, I would like to see Chicago’s Finest sing a medley of all
the classic sea-chanties: Donovan’s Atlantis, Grand Funk Railroad’s I’m Your Captain,
Adam Ant’s Jolly Roger…
Sally: Wait. Wouldn’t a Chum
Bucket List be a list of things you would want to avoid in life at all costs?
We should perhaps explore this concept in our New Year’s Eve episode. Ben
Zobrist pops out to third baseman Justin Turner.
Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
The Toronto Blue Jays will be Canada’s revenge against American baseball. Also,
we have already sealed our border to prevent the escape of Trump-related
refugees. I leave it to you, the audience, to determine what I am darkly
referring to.
Sally: Addison Russell
strikes out, which retires the side.
Sally: And we begin the sixth
inning.
Ellie Mae: Hillary Clinton
had John Lennon killed so she could have Yoko all to herself.
Sally: That was delightfully
random. Justin Turner flies out to right fielder Jason Heyward.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! I
have expanded my list of demands to the 7th inning stretch singers
to include the Gilligan’s Island and Love Boat themes.
Sally: Yasiel Puig grounds
out to first baseman Anthony Rizzo to pitcher John Lester. And that retires the
side! Cubs still up 3-1.
Sally: And we are back at the
bottom of the sixth. After hearing Just the Two of Us and If You Want to Sing
Out, Sing Out being used in commercials, are there any good songs that haven’t been
strip mined by Madison Avenue?
Modre: It’s Halloween, by the
Shaggs? Oh, wait. I think I heard that on an M & M’s commercial.
Sally: Jason Heyward flies
out to left fielder Howie Kendrick.
Sally: Javier Baez doubles on
a line drive to right fielder Yasiel Puig.
Drunky: Shouldn’t the
horrible Buster Posey commercials end when his team is knocked out of the
playoffs?
Sally: David Ross strikes out
swinging. Pinch-hitter Jorge Soler replaces Jon Lester.
Prissy Minion: I thoroughly enjoy
the complete lack of connection between the events of the Cubs game and the
random comments of our sports panel. Truly, Des, this is the Scarborough
Fair/Canticle of comedy, in that it’s an unintentional critique of the Vietnam
War.
Sally: Soler grounds out,
which ends the 6th inning, and also concludes our appearance on the
Bears pre-game show. End transmission.
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