Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Atlanta Falcons, the losers of last year’s Super Bowl. Will the Bears
defeat a team that is undoubtedly spiritually deflated after their historically
stunning collapse in the Super Bowl? Or will Chicago fans once again find
themselves convulsed in a quarterback controversy after all six of their
multi-billion dollar quarterbacks have career ending concussions in the first
five minutes of today’s game?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Javanka” Red-beard,
Modre, the trans-logical guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky
McDumbAss, and our dark overlord and future President of the United States,
Cthulu, the Unspeakable.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des,
ye were asking a lot for me to return to this blog after it went dark on October
15 as I single-handedly elected Trump President of the United States. Putin and
Trump were mere intermediaries in the most unnecessarily convoluted money
laundering scheme e’er devised by the hand of man. Supreme Investigator Robert
Mueller would need an army of sorcerers to disentangle the tapestry of curses,
parchments, and talismans I expertly wielded to launder this pirate’s treasure.
Or I suppose Trump and his accursed clan could just reveal the entire scheme
through a series of e-mails and “Tweets”.
But I digress. I expect the Bears to go 7-9 this year
because the NFL inexplicably decided to give the Bears a much harder schedule
this year, because, I guess, the Bears were one Jay Cutler away from
excellence? Chicago’s footballers will defeat the Panthers, Saints, Eagles,
49ers, Bengals, Browns, and, surprisingly, the Falcons today. But they will
fall to the Buccaneers, Steelers, Packers, Vikings, Ravens, and Lions.
Sally: Concord Peabody. Do
you concur with Captain Redbeard’s grim predictions?
Concord: I predict the Bears
will be undefeated this year. We have two above average quarterbacks, and all
of the Bears opponents are grossly overrated, with quarterbacks whose average
age is 57. Go Bears!
Sally: Would you welcome
Cthulu, the chthonic Elder God. Cthulu, how did you end up here exactly?
Des: Captain Redbeard wrote a
really good letter of recommendation.
Sally: So… I guess I’m
supposed to talk about your presidential campaign in 2020. “Cthulu: This time
he’s the lesser evil.” What makes you the lesser evil?
Cthulu: I still support
NAFTA.
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