Bears vs Colts: 10-9-2016

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. This pre-game show is being written as the Captain Redbeard Bears Tailgate Extravamaganza is watching the Cubs play at the NLDS game 2 against the San Francisco baseball Giants. Where are we watching this, everybody? John’s Garage? The Snuggery? Do those places even exist anymore?

Anyway, we are coming to you live, beginning with the third inning after the Cubs jump ahead to a 4-0 lead, hopefully making it super-easy for Hendricks. As the Cubs chase World Series glory, the question remains: which repetitive tic should I focus on during Sunday night’s presidential debate to really drive up my drink count? My “producer” (who I guess is maybe the Prissy Minion?) tells me that this can’t be my opening question.

Well, okay, then. Here goes: The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts after defeating the Detroit Lions. Are the Indianapolis Colts a good team this year? I can’t use that as my opening question? I swear I’m not phoning this in! With Bears in the midst of what could laughably be called a “quarterback” controversy, two questions come to mind: Will the Bears repeat the keys to last week’s keys to success?

Sally: Joe Panik doubles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Des: Or will today’s game be a contest determined by the team who makes the fewest unforced errors, like tonight’s presidential debates? Yes! I am unafraid to unleash false equivalencies!

Sally: Gregor Blanco doubles on a line drive to center fielder Dexter Fowler.

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Injured Relief” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, Drunky McDumbAss, and the football equivalent of every Cubs curse put together, Coach Marc Trestman.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des, ye lack the discipline and the sense of timing necessary to successfully live blog a baseball game. Insert obvious comparison to the Chicago Bears.

Sally: Denard Span grounds out, second baseman Javier Baez to first baseman Anthony Rizzo. Gregor Blanco advances to third. Let’s turn now to the random poetry of Modre.

Modre: “Today’s fireplace torso logs burn not as brightly as the naked diodes of the light emitting truths of yesterday’s at bat ramblings that retire the side splitting laughter from the personification of the joke that isn’t funny anymore.”

Sally: Brandon Belt out on a sacrifice fly to center fielder Dexter Fowler. Gregor Blanco scores. Drunky McDumbAss. Belch out some insights, won’t you?

Drunky: Friend of the Show Fray-D-Cat posted a Facebook photo of a Chicagoland White Castle sign that reads, “New Ghost Pepper Sliders: How brave is your crave?”  It’s an interesting marketing strategy to embrace your greatest weakness that your food causes pain!

Des: I dare you to eat this sandwich! What are you, chicken? It’s actually no recognizable meat whatsoever.

Sally: Buster Posey grounds out, which retires the side. Giants cut the lead in half, 4 to 2. Concord Peabody. Envelope us in a fog of numbers.

Concord: Nate Silver gives Clinton an 81.3% chance of winning this election. Trump still has a 99.4% chance of winning Oklahoma, though. Go Trump!

Sally: Wow. A pitching change already. George Kontos. Prissy Minion. Provide some Des complimenture.

Prissy Minion: Des, your work contains a melancholic knowingness in that the things you mock are unbelievably sad.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, shortstop Brandon Crawford to first baseman Brandon Belt. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: After a long day of avoiding awareness of the outside world, nothing goes down better than a tall glass of Pepsi. Filled with Jack Daniels. Forget the Pepsi.

Sally: Jason Heyward lines out.

Redbeard: ARRRH, this game be brought to you by Ghost Bed, because the nightmares that afflict my dreams are not terrifying enough as it is!

Sally: Javier Baez strikes out swinging… a very quick 3^rd inning for the Cubs batters, but they retain the lead: 4-2. Coach Trestman, what are you doing here?

Trestman: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Like Joe Buck, my unwelcome lack of expertise extends beyond football to encompass baseball. As well. What must les ours petites do to emerge victorious? Get a pitcher who possess le anti-charisma and waste a lot of time and money trying to coax him to fulfill what is presumably his full potential. It worked for Jay Cutlair and me.

Sally: Hunter Pence pops out to catcher Wilson Contreras in foul territory.

Sally: Brandon Crawford grounds out, third basement Kris Bryant to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Des: I really don’t want to know what’s in Captain Redbeard’s third basement. Or Drunky McDumbAss’s. Or anyone’s from our football/baseball panel.

Concord: Forget a third basement. I would settle for a third room in my tiny, tiny apartment.

Sally: Angel Pagan singles on a line drive to pitcher Kyle Hendricks, who was hit by a 94 mile and hour pitch and will be replaced by Travis Wood. We step away for a commercial break.

Sally: We are back. Travis Wood on the mound, facing Gillaspie.

Sally: Travis Wood avenges the injuring of Hendricks by striking out Hendricks, retiring the Giants. Cubs still lead 4-2.

Sally: And we are back. We return to the bottom of the 4^th as the Cubs enjoy a 4-2 lead.

Ellie Mae: When I saw the Jack Daniels commercial where there are a bunch of people in chairs that represents the number of people born in Lynchburg, followed by a photo of only one person in a chair, I thought it was some sort of anti-NAFTA commercial by Donald Trump’s people. But then I thought: too subtle.

Sally: The good people at the MLB Network thought they were safe in running a taped bit while Cubs pitcher Travis Wood was up to bat, but then he hit a home run. Cubs lead 5-2.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRHHHHHHH! Me hearties…

Sally: Dexter Fowler flies out to right fielder Hunter Pence.

Ellie Mae: Pence? Yes, our next president after Trump is convicted of crimes to horrible to mention… less than 50 times per hour on our various news outlets.

Sally: Kris Bryant lines out to shortstop Brandon Crawford. Cubs expand their lead 5 to 2 at the conclusion of the 4^th inning.

Modre: Charles Schwab: Own your tomorrow. Tomorrow cannot be owned, it can, at best, be contained.

Sally: And we are back. Cubs lead 5-2, top of the 5^th inning of the second game of the NLDS series. Travis Wood strikes first, striking out Panik.

Trestman: Monsieur Desmond. Do you have me here to humiliate me solely for your own amusement?

Des: Oui.

Trestman: So I am your Chris Christie then. Je comprend, malheursement.

Sally: Pinch hitter Madison Bumgarner replaces George Kontos. And the inning ends in the time it takes for Des to type the previous sentence.

Drunky: I miss the giant taxi cabs that appear in the Bacardi commercial.

Sally: The bottom of the 5^th inning begins with another pitching change: Ty Blach replaces George Kontos.

Redbeard: ARRRRRHHHH! Who dares awaken me from my slumber? Oh, right. The multitude of my personal demons. When will I learn to project them onto the outside world?

Sally: Anthony Rizzon grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt.

Des: It’s been said that Donald Trump has been foisted on us by the Russians. Can we get our revenge by foisting a Yakov Smirnoff candidacy?

Sally: That would result in a nuclear holocaust. Zobrist strikes out.

Des: A nuclear holocaust of laughter.

Sally: Addison Russell grounds out, third baseman Conor Gillaspie to first baseman Brandon Belt. We will be back after this word.

Des: And we are back with Cubs action. Did Tom Crusie’s line “Maybe I’ll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it” sound a little Manson-esque? Or Trump-esque?

Sally: That’s too subtle for Trump. It has a 5^th grade readability level. A Cubs pitching change starts off the 6^th inning. Carl Edwards Jr. replaces Travis Wood.

Drunky: Did someone say Smirnoff?

Sally: Go back to sleep, Drunky. Posey grounds out, shortstop Addison Russell to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Drunky: Has Trump set the bar so low that I can say whatever I want?

Sally: No. Pence grounds out, pitcher Carl Edwards Jr. to first baseman Anthony Rizzo.

Sally: Brandon Crawford singles on a line drive to left fielder Ben Zobrist.

Redbeard:

Angel Pagan grounds into a force out, thus retiring the side. Cubs lead 5-2.

Modre:

Drunky: Another commercial featuring a human sized taxi cab. What is it with this nostalgia for a time in which travel was enjoyable instead of a baffling, painful ordeal?

Jason Heyward strikes out swinging. Time now for a pitching change commercial break.

Concord: The DQ five dollar meal commercial reminds me that, back in my day, I could get a Wendy’s value meal for $3.18. Of course, I was making $3.25 an hour working at Sears.

Sally: Baseball is inexorably becoming like football with its replay and its inexplicable lawyerly rulings. I say this in response to Javier Baez being called out on second during a replay. Did he break the plane of the second base?

Pinch hitter Miguel Montero replaces Carl Edwards Jr.

Drunky: Carl’s Jr.? Has their owner figured out how to replace all of his employees with cyborgs, like he keeps threatening to do?

Sally: Yeah, they are all T-1000 food distribution droids all networked through Skynet. Montero flies out, ending the 6^th inning with the Cubs still maintaining a 5-2 lead.

Sally: Top of the 7^th, with Mike Montgomery pitching for the Cubs.

Concord: I’ve worked for all the failed department store chains: Montgomery Wards, K-Mart, Zayre’s, Robert Hall Village. They better keep me away from JC Penny.

Sally: Can I career counsel you to work for Wal-Mart? Kelby Tomlinson strikes out swinging.

Sally: Panik grounds out, second baseman Jason Baez to first baseman Antony Rizzo.

Sally: Pinch-hitter Eduardo Nunez replaces Santiago Casillia.

Sally: Eduardo Nunez lines out sharply to left fielder Ben Zobrist, which brings up the 7^th inning stretch, which we will not be able to see. Sadly, we will not hear the pipes of Jim Belushi.

Sally: Bottom of the 7^th, ladies and germs. Derek Law now pitching for the Giants.

Concord: The number of starting quarterbacks for the Bears exceeds the number of people living in Detroit.

Sally: Shouldn’t you have saved that fact for the Bears/Lions game? Fowler strikes out on a foul tip.

Des: What the hell is that home run graphic for Kris Bryant? That looks like the graphic for some fireworks related tragedy.

Concord: I like the Cubs fan who fails to catch the foul ball and chucks his empty beer on the field in disgust. Kris Bryant will trip over it at the top of next inning and suffer a career ending injury, causing the Cubs to lose this series.

Sally: Kris Bryant reaches on a fielding error by second baseman Joe Panik, prompting a pitching change.

Sally: Lopez takes over on the mound.

Sally: Anthony Rizzo grounds out, advancing Kris Bryant to second.

Sally: Ben Zobrist pops out to catcher Buster Posey in foul territory, prompting another terrible GEICO commercial. Well, we will step away at this point so that Captain Redbeard can inhale a gigantic mélange of food and booze in the 8^th inning and inflict his opinions on social media in the 9^th, thus reaching a much, much larger audience than this pre-game episode.