Bears vs. Vikings: 12-20-2010

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-20-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a heartbreaking loss to the New England Patriots. Could this be a much-needed bounce-back against Captain Methuselah and his hellscape rent-a-stadium? Or will this be another step on the slippery slope slip sliding away from playoff action? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Dark Angel" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to hang my head in shame as I review how me playoff picks in September are performing in December. In the AFC, I can look on with pride at my playoff picks the Jets and Ravens who are poised to enter the playoffs. Sadly, I can only turn my head in disgust at my other playoff selections, the Texans, Broncos, Bills, and Browns. I am especially disheartened at the Broncos. I thought this was Neckbeard’s year!

SR: I did a little better in the NFC. Four of my five selections appear to be post-season bound: the Eagles, Bears, Falcons, and the Rams, who have a, uh, dominating (?) record of 6-8. Sadly, the 49ers and Lions continue to be major disappointments. Well, okay, a 4-10 record for the Lions is rebuilding. By 2016, the Lions should make it to the first round of the playoffs… where they will be as promptly skewered as the marlin I single-handedly wrestled onto me vessel!

Des: Nice one, Ernest Hemingway-breath. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Margaret Mead once said, “It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good.” That’s especially true of Bears quarterbacks!

Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Minnesota?

CP: Des, if you divide Brett Favre’s age by the number of offensive text messages he sent and multiply it by the number of Bears failed third down attempts, the Bears should have a Victory Factor of 105.9.

Des: Concord, does 105.9FM play all the classics, plus the best new rock?

CP: Des, WCKG stopped playing classic rock 14 years ago. Get with the times!

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: "Those who live in the past are cowards and losers". By the way, come see me at Bert Wyman Ford for a reunion with my old buddies from the 1985 Superbowl Bears, and maybe you’ll see us do the Superbowl Shuffle!

Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a magic 8 ball… it’s comfortingly predictable.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will make you face your own mortality as you watch Brett Favre play quarterback.