Bears vs. Bills: 11-7-10

BEARS VS. BILLS: 11-7-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears cross the border into Canada to play against the Buffalo Bills, the only winless team in the NFL. Will Jay Cutler be able to execute a system that requires him to throw to his own players instead of his opponents? Or will the Bears’ invasion of Canada be as successful as the American invasions of Canada during the Revolutionary War and the War of 1812? (Historical note: We were not greeted as liberators.) To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sugar Cane” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Me rum-induced hangover is pounding as mercilessly as the Chicago’s sports media is beating Jay Cutler over the head and shoulders for his quarterbacking incompetence. But ‘tis not fully deserved! After all, the offensive line be as wafer thin as the hull of the Titanic proved versus the iceberg.

Des: That’s very kind of you, Captain.

SR: Ah, but my words don’t match my deeds, Des. Jay Cutler will awaken to find himself at the business end of me steely blade come Monday morning if his arm cannon is no more accurate than my ship’s cannons, which have proven more deadly to my men than any foe.

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?

DMD: Yet another trip to Bears jail for me when I use my Lexus Is as the drummer for my tailgate band, the Decatur Staleys and run over 60 fans in the parking lot during the drum solo. Well, it’s not really my Lexus, it’s actually Jay Cutler’s, which I’m holding hostage until he gets more touchdowns than interceptions. I didn’t promise I would return it in mint condition, though.

Des: I’m hearing a lot of Jay Cutler bashing today. Modre. How will the Bears do against the Buffalo Bills?

Modre: Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

Des: If you are the Cure, then why aren’t you wearing eye liner and poufy hair?

Modre: What?

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: 54-40 or fight!

Des: Why not? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. If I made a drinking game out of the number of times a simile or metaphor was used inappropriately in today’s episode, I’d be as drunk as Lindsay Lohan at a court date. Hey, now I’m part of the simile shenanigans! That was as fun as counting off how many times a football announcer tells us that a quarterback needs to “stay inside himself”, like, what, he’s going to leave his body and possess the soul of his receiver? Although if Jay Cutler tried to astral project himself, he’d probably miss Johnny Knox only to find himself inside of a Gatorade bottle.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your Smell-o-vision as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of… I’m just going to end transmission here.