Bears vs. Redskins: 10-24-10

BEARS VS. REDSKINS: 10-24-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The NFL’s worst defense travels to battle one of the league’s worst offenses. Will Jay Cutler be able to absorb and somehow execute the complex intricacies of Mike Martz’ offensive schemes? Or should the Bears just accept their fate, like the Democrats seem prepared to do come November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Morpheus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears will emerge victorious this fine Sunday afternoon due to my thousand-year curse I’ve placed upon the Redskins until they get rid of their horribly, horribly racist name.

Des: Wow, that’s unusually sensitive of you, Captain.

SR: Well, Des, I did a lot of really, really bad things in the 1600s. I’m hoping this will completely atone for those actions.

Des: Speaking of atoning for past mistakes, Captain, last week, you were wrong again by choosing the 49ers to go winless this season. What’s happ’nin, Cap’n?

SR: Arrh, Des, that be your most awkward transition ever! I refuse to dignify that with a response, except to say ARRRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!…. mateys!

Des: Isn’t that always your standard response, Captain? ARRRHHH? Drunky McDumb-Ass. What’s your prediction for today’s game?

DMD: Yet another trip to the hospital for me and my friends when I convert my 1985 Ford LTD into a rolling snack bar for my fellow tailgaters but forget to fully convert my gas tank into a keg of beer.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Redskins?

Modre: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

Des: What truth?

Modre: There is no spoon.

Des: What’s this, then? (Holds up a spoon).

Modre: That is a Spork.

Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when they use go with the run and 3-1 when they use the pass.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like a broken digital wristwatch… not very informative, but it leaves a nice tan line on the surface of your mind!

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your 3DBB as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Tennessee Tuxedo versus Stanley Livingston in a stadium as well-designed and escape-proof as Megapolis Zoo.