Bears vs. Seahawks: 10-17-10

BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 10-17-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after defeating the Carolina Panthers despite a weak performance by backup quarterback Todd Collins. Will Jay Cutler return to reignite the Bears’ sputtering offense? Or should the Bears drop the pretense of having a quarterback and just hand it off to Matt Forte every play? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Speaker-Boxx” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! The Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, and San Francisco 49ers are 0-5 teams, which be truly embarrassing since I picked the Bills and 49ers to go to the playoffs. Just you try to collect me gambling debts, Las Vegas bookies! I think you’ll find my imaginary pirate fleet to be more than a match for your pirate-themed hotels. So… which team be truly accursed to go 0-16? I choose the San Francisco 49ers! But, please, please, do not dismiss your flamboyant skipper Mike Singletary. His psychotic rages are far more entertaining than anything else the NFL has to offer and will be the source of many, many Coors Light commercials.

Des: Uh, thank you, Captain. That’s actually one of your less disturbing tirades. Drunky McDumb-Ass. What do you foresee happening on Football Sunday?

DMD: Des, I foresee my “Fan-bulance” being converted back to an ambulance by the end of first quarter.

Des: Modre. How will the Bears do against the Seattle Seahawks if Jay Cutler is unavailable?

Modre: The body cannot live without the mind. Unless you’re the Bears, in which case the body cannot live without the fleet feet of Matt Forte.

Des: Wow… Modre, that comment was actually somewhat related to football.

Modre: I hang my head in shame.

Des: Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: Des, the Bears are 57-43 lifetime when their quarterback has a single digit quarterback rating and 3-1 when they have a rating over 100.

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like paintings of Elvis on black velvet: best appreciated ironically.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch with your fake “3D” TV as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Sparta versus… whoever they fought, and as equally loud, with a lot of unnecessary shouting.