Bears vs. Vikings: 11-14-10

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-14-10

Des: Welcome to the second edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears drove Brett Favre several steps closer to retirement and nudged the Vikings closer to post-season elimination. Were the sudden re-emergence of Devin Hester and a rejuvenated defense the keys to victory? And will the Bears use these keys to further scratch the paint off the lackluster Miami Dolphins? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Homo Mermanus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky McDumb-Ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Brett Favre is beginning to take on the ancient countenance of Father Neptune himself. But that be not enough to save him versus the Green Bay Packers!

Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. Any observations from tailgate land?

DMD: Unfortunately, Des. I passed out after the first kickoff and somehow found myself inside that gyrating giant egg driving simulator you see in those Lexus commercials. That did not help my booze-induced bed spins.

Des: Modre. What were the Bears’ keys to victory?

Modre: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Des: Are you referring to the Bears’ inconsistent performance this season, or some other, deeper truth?

Modre: I’m like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

Des: Never mind. Concord Peabody. Any irrelevant stats you want to share?

CWP: If you plug in the quarterback rating of Brett Favre, the rushing yardage of Jay Cutler, and the turnover ratio of the Bears into a mathematical matrix, you get the square root of infinity multiplied by love. You also get the Concord Peabody Victory Factor of 9.7 for the Bears.

Des: Is this Victory Factor a 9.7 out of some actual number, like 10?

CWP: Not really.

Des: Why am I not surprised? Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Your football blog posts are like a tap dance of laughter on the grave of eternal sadness.

Des: Uh, sit back and watch on your Dick Tracy wristwatch TV screens… which is what we all should be using instead of your various I-things and Droids and what have you…how could Chester Gould be so wrong?!? Anyway, sit back and watch on that… thing as the Bears face off in a rivalry as ancient as that of Dick Tracy versus Flat-top… and, hopefully, just as violent.