Bears vs. Vikings: 12-28-2014

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to anyone, except for those of us who will enjoy watching an historical footnote of what is hopefully the final game with the current coaching and general manager staff. With Jimmy Clausen falling prey to the NFL’s sudden concern for concussions, Jay Cutler has one more chance to quarterback the Bears. Will Jay Cutler use the opportunity to further pad his stats as Chicago’s all-time leading passer? Or will every receiver continue to drop passes because--- Trestman!

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Nuedexta” Redbeard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and the non-pharmaceutical cure for uncontrollable laughter, Drunky McDumbAss.

Concord: Jay Cutler is two more teams, three additional head coaches, and 20 offensive coordinators away from being an elite quarterback. We’re talking Phillip Rivers-level elite!

Prissy: Kudos, Des, for not snagging the low hanging fruit of the classic comedy formula of “X is the highest quality member of set Y? That’s like saying A is the highest quality member of set B, when it’s understood that everything in set B is terrible!”

Des: Actually, Prissy, I tried really hard to use that formula, but the best I could do was, “Jay Cutler is the best passer in the history of the Chicago Bears? That’s like saying ‘Mork and Mindy’ is the best spin-off of Happy Days, or ‘Facts of Life’ was the best spin-off of ‘Diff’rent Strokes’, or Jeb Bush was the best President Bush.” I’m saving that joke for 2024.

Sally: Sadly, you probably have an 85% chance of using that joke, if Nate Silver is to be believed.

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Mateys! Why be I buried beneath Concord Peabody, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor McChesty?

Des: Because Drunky McDumbAss hasn’t been released from his oxygen tent yet.

Redbeard: Ye treacherous land lubbers! Mayhap I can successfully deploy Prissy Minion’s comedy formula: Jay Cutler is the best passer in the eternal history of the Chicago football Bears? Why, that be like proclaiming that K-Mart be the best brand of deck chair on the Titanic. Be that too obscure for ye? How about this one: Jay Cutler is the best Bears quarterback? Why, that’s like sayin’ the Santa Maria was the least genocidal ship on Christopher Columbus’s fleet. Did that hit too close to home? This be not the Washington football blog, is it?

Des: Oh, Captain. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie Mae: If Jay Cutler joins the Nashville Oilers next season, his wife, Kristin Cavallari, would fit right in down in the hill country, what with her not vaccinatin’ her kids, or as we like to call it, “pokin’ ‘em with the devil’s needles”, which is maybe a little surprisin’, since she also has appeared in commercials on the squawk box asking for money to develop an HIV vaccine… which she would then refuse to give to her kids, I would assume. But you know whut they say about whut happens when you assume… you get a lucrative gig as a sports yapper! Now that’s what I call low hanging fruit!

Sally: Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears potentially complete the final game of the 2014 season!