Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears will bench Jay
Cutler in hopes of that Jimmy Clausen can lead the defense to allow less than
30 points…
Sally: Yeah, the Bears
benched Jay Cutler in hopes that fans will shut up for 5 minutes so Trestman
can get to his car. Another failed game plan, by the way.
Des: Will the Bears do the
Packers yet one more favor by somehow getting an upset win over the Lions, or
will Clausen do the Bears a favor by having a horrible game, thus forcing the
Bears front office to deploy the much-needed pin sweeper on the coaching staff,
ushering in the inevitable Jim Harbaugh/Mike Singletary era?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “No Gherkin Around”
Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally
McChesty, Ellie Mae McGillicutty, and finally, a man who’s filled with more
Christmas spirits than every community college theater adaptation of A Christmas Carol put together, Drunky
McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH,
mateys! If there be one thing Marc Trestman, Jay Cutler, and I have in common,
it be that our strategies are much more obvious to our enemies than to our own
team/crew. Of course, when your strategy is to set your ship’s gunpowder on
fire and ram your ship into the flagship of the British Royal Navy, ‘tis best
to keep your crew in the dark about that.
On a
related or parenthetic topic, (or both), the Bears have utilized a succession
of emotionless robots to coach the Bears. Perhaps ‘tis time to instead employ a
raging psychopath to instill fear and terror into the Bears, and, with any
luck, opposing teams. Mayhap a Jim Harbaugh or Mike Singletary be just what the
Bears need. Or, alternatively, the Bears could hire a coach whose unnaturally
calm demeanor barely masks an unquenchable fury and disdain for all mankind, i.e.
Bill Belichick.
Des: Concord, what are your
thoughts?
Concord: Des, the Bears are
175-200 when they use their backup quarterback, which sounds bad until you
consider that they are 57-312 when they use their first-stringers.
Des: Ellie Mae. Any closing
words?
Ellie: Merry Christmas, if by
“Merry Christmas”, you mean a Christmas that isn’t a “mash-up” of the most
depressing elements of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and Kenny Rogers songs. I
always said Christmas was more of an absence than a presence. Or “presents”, if
you’re talking about the McGillicutty household.
Des: And, on that note… Happy
Holidays!
Thanks to "friend of the blog" Agent Screamin' for the opening joke. And by "friend of the blog", I mean someone who wished the blog no specific harm.
1 comment:
If Joe Theismann could change the pronunciation of his name to make it rhyme with "Heisman," could Jimmy Clausen not add an "s" to his name to get some pickle sponsorship deals? Or better yet, he could change his name to Vlasic. I always liked that cartoon stork.
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