Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears play the New Orleans
Saints in another game that is inexplicably nationally televised after receiving
a savage beating from the Dallas Cowboys on Thursday Night Football! Laughably,
this game has playoff implications for one of these 5-8 teams. Will the Bears
get to play the role of spoiler, thrusting the Saints in the same death spiral
with the 49ers? Or will the Saints earn the “honor” of getting destroyed by a
vastly superior wild card team in the playoffs?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Aqua-fresh”
Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally
McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky
McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH,
mateys! Santa comes not-early-enough for the Chicago Bears as the cast of this
worthless pre-game “show” offer undeserved gifts to our struggling Monsters of
the Midway. As for me, the cruelest gift I could give the Bears is that they
win the last three games, finishing the season with an 8-8 record, destroying
any chances of getting a good player from the draft. It’s a “Gift of the Magi”
in the sense that it’s a complete waste of money and effort.
Des: Doctor McChesty, what
gift do you have for the Bears?
Sally: The same gift I have
for every NFL team, Des. Complete contempt for a violent, pointless sport that
has longer pauses for discussing arcane procedural rules than 50 Senate
filibusters.
Des: Ellie Mae, what do you
plan to put under the Halas Hall tree?
Ellie Mae: While pig nuts are
the inside joke that keeps on giving, the best gift I could give the Bears is
to move them to the NFC South, where they could win the division with a 6-10
record.
Des: Concord, what do you
have for the Bears?
Concord: A statistical
analysis indicating that, on paper, the Bears should have won every game this
season and won the Super Bowl by 40 points. Oddly, when I coached the Bears as
my fantasy football team, they had a 9-4 record. Of course, that was after I
traded Mel Tucker for a grilled cheese sandwich.
Des: Modre?
Modre: My gift to the Bears is
a colorless, odorless substance that doesn’t leave a trace in the bloodstream
of Aaron Rogers.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What did
you provide as a stocking stuffer?
Drunky: Need you ask, Des?
Empty whiskey bottles from every tailgate party this doomed season.
Des: Prissy Minion?
Prissy: Des, if you played an
endless loop of every Bears pre-game show since 2002 in the Soldier Field locker
room and on the sideline, you would provide a powerful incentive for the offense
to score first downs just to stay on the field. Or maybe that wall of sound
would burrow into Mel Tucker’s brain, adding that much needed “savant”
component to “idiot savant.”
Des: Prissy, are you only referring to my pre-game show, or every pre-game show from the past 12
years played simultaneously, forming a mélange of redundancy that’s almost like
a round of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” if it were sung by the Borg?
Prissy: Option B.
Sally: Sit back and watch,
sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will fail to turn viewers
away from “Year Without a Santa Claus”…. which is on right now! End transmission!
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