BEARS VS. COWBOYS:
12-4-14
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Dallas Cowboys, another team that also embarrassed themselves on
Thanksgiving. Will the Bears and Cowboys play their best game of the year as
they seek redemption in front of another national TV audience? Or will both
coaches spend the game commiserating with each other about how their once-proud
franchises were ruined by quarterbacks who never quite lived up to their
potential?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Butterface”
Redbeard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally
McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and random street corner stench factory,
Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH,
mateys! I be tired of thinking about the Bears or professional football. Nay,
me every waking thought turns toward the Freewinds,
flagship vessel of the Church of Scientology: the ultimate prize of me pirate
fleet. Not only would I possess the untold wealth from the sales of the
legendary E-meters, but I also would become the receptacle of the transcendent
wisdom of the Operating Thetans on board the ship, which, if I read the
Wikipedia entry correctly, means I should have “knowing and willing cause over
life, thought, matter, energy, space, and time.”
Des: Wouldn’t it be easier
just to steal some mystic ring or orb, or some kind of magical jewelry, star
child, or parchment? Modre, isn’t Captain Redbeard’s quest for transcendent
knowledge horning in on your turf?
Modre: “I have high hopes of
smashing into history so violently that it will take a legendary form even if
all books are destroyed.” So sayeth L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest philosopher of
the 20th century. Of course, any century that has Ayn Rand on its
short list of “greatest philosphers” has a pretty low bar.
Des: I apologize, Modre.
Nobody could, uh, fill those, uh… is “shoes” really the best word for this
idiom? I’m thinking, it’s more like Vasoline covered sandals for slip-sliding
away to a better world, man. Um, Drunky
McDumbAss. Give us some us your “street wisdom.”
Drunky: Wow, Des. Those are
the most offensive air quotes I’ve ever seen. But I will dignify that with a
response, if by “dignify”, you mean “launch into a 24 hour circular tirade that
increases in anger, incoherence, and blood alcohol content.” So… yeah….
Thursday Night games are awesome because you’re only competing against college
kids in the sports bars, and I could totally take those guys on. Until I wake
up duct taped to an elevator again. Whenever I find myself in an elevator, I
make sure I push the elevator buttons with my knuckles so I don’t get any
diseases.
Des: Drunky, I’m sure that
whatever super-mega-hyper Ebola virus you’re carrying would destroy all
competing infectious agents. I think that catching a cold from some tourist is
the least of your health worries.
Drunky: Well, Des, what I
do... what I do is I get in my car, I turn the ignition key and, 30 minutes to
four days later, I wake up in my apartment. Or police car. Or Wendy’s drive
through. Or church. It’s like stepping through a portal into another dimension.
You never know where you’ll turn up.
Des: Inside a puddle of vomit
is a pretty safe bet.
Des: All right, thank you,
Drunky. Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What southern fried stocking stuffers have you
brought for the holiday season?
Ellie: Funny you should say
that. It’s the stocking itself that’s been deep fried to kill most of the
various festering foot fungi of my extended family. Each stocking has been
carefully handcrafted from the scraps of various car wash towels in the
tri-county area, then loving shared with each of the 92 members of the MacGillicutty
family until it no longer resembles something one would call “footwear.” Then
after it’s been deep fried in the grease of some combination of hamster
gizzards, pigeons, and crawfish from the bowels of Louisiana, we stuff it with
butter, funnel cakes, and French fries, drizzled in a Ramen Noodle Casserole.
Des: Uh... and that’s all the
time we have, boys and girls. Doctor McChesty, please fade this production to
black.
Sally: Of course, L. Ron
Desmo. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that
will fail to draw more viewers than All
in the Family, by which I mean The
McCarthys
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