BEARS VS. LIONS:
11-27-14
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Detroit Lions in their first Thanksgiving game since 2004. Will the Bears
defense be able to give Jay Cutler a short field against a team that is no
longer at the very bottom of the NFL? Or will today’s game come down to a
question of which quarterback is the last to throw an interception?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bonesteel” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie
Mae MacGillicutty, and the man who invites himself to more Thanksgivings than
Peppermint Patty, Drunky McDumbAss.
Drunky: Speaking of
peppermint patties, I could really go for a peppermint schnapps right now. Or
something else of the breath mint variety for the car ride home. Hey, what’s
that repeated stabbing sensation in my back? Is that my liver again?
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Those
painful stab wounds are brought to you by me blood soaked steely blade for
depriving me of me opening tirade that has been a staple of this pre-game show
since the Bears were naught but the Decatur Staleys. Or it could also be your
liver, McDumbAss. I would never completely rule that out.
Now that I have regained me rightful position, ‘tis time for
a Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis
my deepest shame: the Oakland Raiders with their 1-10 record at the very bottom
of the NFL. Ye may be asking, “Why only pick on the Raiders, Captain Redbeard?
The Jacksonville Jaguars have an equally bad record.”
Allow me to answer this question in two parts: Part 1- Shut
up! Who be you to challenge the aqua satanic majesty of Captain Redbeard, dread
lord of the seven seas, scourge of legitimate maritime commerce, and feared
card cheat? Part B- No one ever expects the Jaguars to ever amount to anything,
but the Raiders once represented the Brotherhood of the Eternal Dank with
pride, striking terror in the hearts of hapless AFC teams throughout the
Pacific Coast. Ever since the referees stole that “Snow Bowl” game from Oakland
and handed it to the Patriots, the Raiders have suffered a decade in the
football equivalent of the Sargasso Sea. That game be a true act of piracy!
Des: Concord Peabody. Surely
you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.
Concord: The first meal eaten
on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was turkey. But you were probably
looking for Bears trivia. The Bears are 8-7 against the Lions on Thanksgiving.
In 2004, they lost to the Cowboys 21 to 7 with despite having legendary
quarterbacks Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel at the helm. In 1999, the Lions
beat the Bears despite having future Hall of Famer Jim Miller standing behind
the center. While quarterbacking has been a historical weakness for the Bears,
the Lions are 1-9 in their last 10 Thanksgiving games. Go Bears!
Des: Thank you, Concord.
Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?
Ellie: What else but Trashcan
Turkey wrapped in corn huskings and served on chairs from a 1975 Ford pickup
truck placed on cinder blocks?
Des: Doctor McChesty, would
you summarize things with one majestic sentence?
Sally: Of course, Desmondolina.
Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will
determine which team is its own worst enemy.
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