Bears vs. Packers: 11-9-2014

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 11-9-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after being horribly eviscerated by the New England Patriots. Will Marc Trestman and Aaron Kromer find the magic keys to somehow teach Jay Cutler to throw passes to his teammates, as opposed the waiting arms of the Packers, random mascots, cheerleaders, and the numerous demons that haunt his nightmares, both sleeping and waking? Or will the call go out for the Bears to hire a new quarterback with a more colorful name, like Colt McCoy, Lance McSquarejaw, or Neckbeard?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dolphin Blob” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Drunky McDumbAss, and from the deepest South, introducing Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! The Bears have too many problems to name, but I’ll give it a stab with me blood-drenched cutlass: A pass defense that makes me more nauseated than a norovirus-afflicted cruise ship, a general manager whose comments about “work ethic” and having “a system of doing things” resembles the drunken ramblings of the captain of the Costa Concordia, and a quarterback whose navigation skills make the captain of the Bahamas Celebration look like Magellan.

Des: Captain, that’s a disturbingly recent montage of cruise ship disasters.

Redbeard: Aye. Which is why I offer to your readers/listeners deeply discounted tickets to Captain Redbeard’s Thanksgiving Cruise, where we reenact the original Mayflower voyage with full historical accuracy, which unfortunately includes massive outbreaks of scurvy, pneumonia, and tuberculosis. Also, the residents/tourists of Cape Cod probably won’t appreciate our authentic recreation of the Mayflower landfall where we raid any unprotected stores of corn, or what the natives call “maize.” But don’t look for us on Groupon. We’re more of a Saveology-based enterprise because I’m pretty sure that a portion of the proceeds go to Scientology, whose KRC triangle of “Knowledge, Responsibility, and Control” really gave me the focus I needed to more successfully plunder the coastal cities of Somalia.

Des: Thank you, Captain. Unfortunately, your Thanksgiving tirade comes a bit too early, as I was hoping to save that for the Bears game on Thanksgiving.

Redbeard: Stop being such a lazy slaggard, Des! All ye need do is slap together some standard references to tryptophan, women being stuck in the kitchen while men watch football, and say “turducken” over and over again, and ye be all set!

Des: Concord Peabody. We haven’t heard from you in a while. What do you have for us?

Concord: The Bears are 30-0 when it comes to games they’d be better off losing. Go Bears!

Des: Modre, I know you’ll transcend the limitations of football pre-game coverage even though I’d rather you didn’t.

Modre: O. Henry once declared, “There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that’s purely American.” Except for Canada and Liberia.

Des: Again with the premature Thanksgiving jokes. Do we have orders from Corporate to get our Thanksgiving jokes out of the way now so we can go right to Christmas-themed comedy next week? Here to ignore that question altogether is our newest member of Captain Redbeard’s Bears Preview: Ellie Mae MacGillicutty.

Ellie: Well, what we have ourselves as an offering outside of the Green Bay Packer football stadium of Lambeau Field is what I’d like to call a Pig Nut Buffet. Now it’s true that there is a variety of unrelated plants that are called pig nuts, ranging from bunium bulbocastinum, which is a smoky flavored spice used in dishes in the Indian subcontinent, to the pig nut hickory that grows where I come from in the deep south, although its tendrils extend as far north as New England and even lower Ontario

            But while pig nut actually exists, we just steal the name to give down-home flavor to what is really just a stew of various road-kill.

Des: So, Doctor McChesty, would you like to bring things to a staggering conclusion?

Sally: I would think that a “staggering conclusion” would be more Drunky McDumbAss’s forte, Des, but whatever. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that goes up against The Walking Dead—which pretty much describes the Bears defense. (Cue sad slide whistle).