Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears travel to New
England to face the Patriots, whose rapidly aging quarterback still does better
than every Bears quarterback in history combined, excluding the bad ones—which excludes
all but maybe two. Will the Bears put together an error-free game and take
advantage of New England’s many flaws that have not yet been exploited by
inferior foes? Or will the Bears whole continue to be less than the sum of its
parts, especially when one of those parts is Jay Cutler?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Wonderwall” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, and
the 21st Century version of W.C. Fields, but without the charm,
clever wit, or a rudimentary education, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Des,
do ye believe that ye can somehow draw Generation X’ers into this pre-game
cavalcade with a reference to an Oasis album? If so, ye be a bigger fool than
today’s young people who flock to ISIS because, apparently, we don’t have
enough neo-Nazi or radical communist groups to absorb our disaffected youth. I
live in fear of the inevitable Islamo-rock bands that have probably already
emerged in cities and college towns across America because you don’t have a
viable sub-culture unless you have a few rock bands dedicated to spreading
whatever half-assed message you’re trying to get across. In my youth, I myself
tried to spawn a pirate rock movement whose end results deserve to die on the
slowly decaying 8 tracks stashed in my Hull of Shame which has somehow survived
numerous torpedo-ings. Sadly, pirate rock was pretty much nothing more than
increasingly angry renditions of The
Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
So, to answer your original question, Des, the Bears should
bench Jay Cutler. This wouldn’t be the first time the Bears spent $100 billion
on a quarterback who was a bust, nor will it be the last, unfortunately.
Sally: If I may interrupt,
Des…
Des: It’s Doctor Sally
McChesty, ladies and gentlemen, with this week’s injury report.
Sally: Jay Cutler has
survived seven consecutive games without a season-ending injury, but you wouldn’t
know it from the Bears’ 3-4 record.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. How
are things going in New England?
Drunky: Des, I drove through
DWI roadblocks in six states in six minutes.
Des: Because New England
states are so tiny. I get it, Drunky. You better be careful in Maine, though. I
hear that’s disputed territory with the British.
Drunky: Not since the
Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842. But don’t worry, Des. If the Lobsterbacks
invade Maine, 44.7% of my Scottish blood will resist it.
Des: Modre. Scramble my
refrigerator word magnets.
Modre: Friedrich Nietzsche
was once said, “The best author will be one who is ashamed to become a writer.”
That should be true of every profession.
Des: Uh, sure. Why not?
Prissy Minion. Go, solely because it’s your turn.
Prissy: Des, your posts are
both jubilant and anarchic in that they make no sense and make me laugh in
spite of themselves. But that’s still pure genius, and, for that, I thank you.
Sally: Thank you for joining
us, Bears fans, on this pre-game experience, brought to by the Jean Shaheen for
Senate Campaign, which hopes that her home field advantage works out better
than the Bears this season.
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