BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-2-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers after a convincing victory against the New York Jets. Will this be the opportunity the Packers are seeking to back into the playoffs? Or will Green Bay be reduced to a speed bump on the Bears improbable drive to the Super-bowl? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Hair of the Dog" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extrarodinaire, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! Me satellite dish is no longer functioning at peak performance since I used it to concoct me special blend of Captain Redbeard’s Rum of Eternal Darkness. Here’s a consumer’s warning label for you: If you’re offered a Captain and Coke with this brew, ye’d be best off to run far, far away. Sadly, I did not heed my own advice and so the only thing I’ll be seeing is the future, and not the useful future either, but just the outcome of today’s Bears game, in which I foresee the Bears winning by 10 points, although the Packers will be play one solid quarter of football.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: I’ve lost my internet connection, so my only source of wisdom comes not from learned texts, or insights from within, but rather from this Magic 8 Ball, which says, “Ask again later.”
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for the Bears matchup against Green Bay?
CP: Des, if you divide the number of Aaron Rogers’ concussions by the amount of money in the State of Illinois’ Pension Fund, you get a Victory Factor of -115.7, which somehow still results in a Bears win.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, I’m still hung over from New Year’s Eve, I’ve got what is either tuberculosis or pneumonia or both, and I woke up this afternoon at Soldier Field instead of at Lambeau. Other than that… go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your Bears football posts are like a fevered dream… nightmarish and melting, but if you pick apart the symbolism, you learn a lot about yourself… which may not be a good thing!
Des: Sit back and watch in a Nyquil and champagne induced haze as the Bears face off in a match that may determine who gets to enter the buzz saw that is the New England Patriots
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