BEARS VS. PACKERS: 1-23-11
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football postseason pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers, the only team that stands in the way of a third trip to the Super-bowl. Will the Packers use their magical cheese-head powers to upset the Bears? Or will the Bears and Jets fulfill the wildest fantasies of the NFL and Fox Network and deliver the largest TV audience for a Super-bowl ever? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "The Blue Raja" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunk McDumb-Ass.
SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! The South Korean Navy stole me hijacked freighter in a rout that was almost as embarrassing as the time Richie Rich tricked me into trading me decrepit vessel for a boat made of solid gold that promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean. This week’s solid-gold boat will be the Green Bay Packers, whom I predict will lose by 10 points.
Des: Thank you, Captain. Modre, what wisdom do you have for us?
Modre: James M. Barrie once said, “Life is a long lesson in humility.” However, this is not a lesson the Bears will learn today. Bears win by 20 points.
Des: Concord Peabody, what's your Victory Factor for today’s Bears game?
CP: Des, if you multiply the number of kicking return touchdowns by Devin Hester by the number of rushing and passing yards by Matt Forte and then divide that by the number of jokes Frank Caliendo still makes about Brett Favre, you get a Victory Factor of 531.8008, which, if you type that number into your calculator, and turn it upside-down, equals a good time for the Bears, who will win by 36 points.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things in Tailgate Land?
DMD: Well, Des, the latest Miller Lite commercial warns us not to wear sunglasses at night. I applaud the Miller Brewing Company for being proactive and preventing a recurrence of the scourge that decimated so many lives in the 1980s. Also, I predict that this game will be a nail-biter, with the Bears winning by a well-timed 4th quarter safety, causing a massive swarming of Soldier Field by Bears fans led by me, the alcoholic Pied Piper. I’m pretty sure that I will escape any criminal charges for that action… but not for the numerous other celebration-related crimes that will immediately follow.
Des: Prissy Minion, how do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Your humor follows the same winning strategy as the Bears… very, very defensive. The Bears will win by 7 points.
Des: Sit back and watch in a hypothermic coma as the Bears face off in an ice bowl match-up that will lead to either a Super-bowl between two very large, awesome urban metropoli, or a contest between two insignificant, dying Rust Belt hamlets. If you're Fox Sports or Las Vegas, it’s obvious how you want fix this game: Bears win by 14.
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2 comments:
I hate the fucking NFL. They always want the bears to lose and had to call 3 fucking bullshit penalties to slow down a bears game tying drive. Fuck the NFL. Have a good time when no one wants to watch the shitty packers in the superbowl.
As I prepare myself mentally for another NFL pre-season, I find myself wandering around my cave-like apartment, muttering in my best Lovie Smith voice (only because I can't do a very good Lovey Howell voice), "Rex is our quarterback ... Rex is our quarterback ... Rex is our quarterback," although I know that wishing won't make is so (and a lucky thing that is, too).
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