Bears vs. Chargers: 11-20-11

BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 11-20-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?

CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.

Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.