BEARS VS. RAVENS:
11-17-13
Des: Welcome to another
edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against
the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the
Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have
rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or
will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the
Bears?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of
experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard,
Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special
guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill
be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog:
“Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who
should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their
helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor
mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they
do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and
vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday...
which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness
Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain
Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”
Des: Let’s check in with
Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier
Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit .
DMD: That’s right, Des. The
renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been
the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the
Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare
tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum
Des: Modre, what are your
thoughts?
Modre: Are you familiar with
Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts,
and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.”
There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg
shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.
Des: That’s Modre for you,
always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord
Peabody . Give
us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.
CWP: Well, Des, every good
Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the
Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.
Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you
have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?
SMC: Oh. I thought that had
already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end
of it.
Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me
with your sycophancy.
PM: Des, you are the original
Five Finger Death Punch.
Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor
McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?
SMC: Of course, Desiluski.
Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine
how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.
Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8
2 comments:
I predict that the weather coverage during the storm delay will prove to have been much more entertaining and interesting than the remainder of this game.
ARRRRH! How dis I not see this coming?
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