BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 9-14-08
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers, another team that pulled off an upset win. Will the Bears maintain the winning formula of a healthy defense, a competent offense, plus an injured opposing quarterback? Or will “friend of the web site” John Hundrieser be forced to endure his 40th birthday without the comforting escape of a Bears win? And by “friend”, I mean he wishes it no specific harm (to my knowledge).
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles dotcom Red-beard, Modre, the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last night, I stared at a mirror and yelled “BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY! BLOODY MARY!” for two hours until the Treasure Map to the Super-Bowl revealed itself to me. In the AFC, I foresee Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and New England sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, New York, Carolina, and Arizona unfurling division championship banners, while Dallas and Minnesota must suffer the shame of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prophecy, ye passengers on a ship of fools that requires the leadership that can only come from me steely blade: The Chicago Bears or maybe the Dallas Cowboys will defeat the Cleveland Browns in a Super-bowl that will bring no joy to fellow fictional curmudgeons Crankshaft or Harvey Pekar.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CP: The Bears are 1-0 when the price of oil is over $100 a barrel. Go Bears!
Des: Modre, the inscrutable Asian stereotype. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Sin’s a good man’s brother, but is that right?
Des: Uh, I… can’t answer that one. Albert Einstein. Your impressions.
AE: “Imagination is more important than knowledge”, mein liebchen. Unless you are Joe Buck. Das ist ein dumbkopf!!!
Des: Thanks, Baron Von Manson. Prissy Minion. What non-sequitor would you like to contribute?
PM: As Audrey Hepburn said, “Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you’re exactly the same.”
Des: Sit back and watch with your back-stabbing, beer-stealing friends as the Bears face off in a glorious battle only to be overshadowed by the “baby bump” of Sarah Palin’s daughter.
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3 comments:
Des, As always, your blog has a timeless quality. I'm just disappointed that there wasn't a judge ito reference.
And do you have the budget to get joe buck as a pregame analyst? his insights and opinions would certainly make everyone else look a lot smarter....
Dear Mister Captain Redbeard,
Today is internationally commemorated as "Talk Like a Pirate Day," and I was wondering, do you talk like a "normal" person today, i.e., like a "land lubber"?
I will hang up and wait for my answer.
Yes, my elocution this fine day resembles that of the stereotypical Ivy League intellectual... when I am not otherwise engaged in severely walloping those "land-lubbers", as you so colorfully put it, whose mastery of pirate lingo does not meet my exacting standards.
Yours in nautical solidarity:
Captain Silas Charles "Percival von Egghead" Redbeard.
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