BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-30-07
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, a team whose quarterback has promised a random number of wins this season. Will Brian Griese provide a spark to Ron Turner’s moribund offense? Or will the Bears be overshadowed by the Cubs’ run for the pennant?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Gargamel Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye stand before Captain Red-beard’s Court of Jamaican Justice. After ye plead your case, I retire to me “chambers” and inhale the vapors of vengeance, balanced by the beverage of beneficence. Then I return drunk and stoned to render me verdict. I find the Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Falcons guilty of the crime of football incompetence and predict that both teams will fall to an 0-4 record today.
Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?
DMD: Me and my buddies drank two kegs of beer, one box of wine, and a fifth of Jack Daniels. And that was before we left Schaumburg to drive to Soldier Field. Go Bears!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Football is like a game of Connect Four. The Bears must employ strategies that leave their opponents thinking, “Pretty sneaky, sis.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?
CWP: Well, the Bears are 9-1 lifetime when the misery index of inflation and the prime rate exceed 10 points. Go Bears!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: As John Maynard Keynes once said, “In the long run, we’re all dead.”
Des: Sit back and watch on your Quasar, by Motorola, as the Bears grapple in a match that, hopefully, is not a metaphor for something in your personal life.
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