Bears v Chiefs: 9-16-07

BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 9-16-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs, a team that has never quite lived up to expectations. Will Rex Grossman gain the composure and consistency that has eluded him throughout his professional career? Or will Kyle Orton have to “bear up” with a Thermos of White Russians to take on the Chiefs’ defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles DuFarquar Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, the Prissy Minion, and introducing tailgater extraordinaire, Drunky Mc Dumb-ass.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Over the weekend, as I was sailing the Straits of Magellan, I stared into the abyss, which also stared back at me… and gave me a vision of this year’s playoffs. Here be Captain Red-beard’s treasure map to the Super-bowl: In the AFC, I foresee New England, Cincinnati, Tennessee, and Denver conquering their divisions, as Indianapolis and Kansas City sneak in as the wild cards. For the NFC, I envision Chicago, Dallas, Carolina, and St. Louis unfurling division championship banners, while Green Bay and Philadelphia must suffer the ignominy of being wild cards. Prepare yourselves for this prediction, ye minnows in a gambling pool that be too murky for one without the vision of me unseeing glass eye: The Chicago Bears will defeat the New England Patriots in this year’s Super-bowl, as Bill Belichek’s subterfuge will not be enough to confuse Brad Maynard, who will be the Bears quarterback by then. And if that doesn’t happen, then it’ll be Dallas vs. Denver, in a repeat of a less interesting Super-bowl.

Des: Drunky Mc Dumb-ass. What’s happening in tailgate-land?

DMD: I’ve been drunk longer then Rex Grossman’s been alive. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When the forces of celestial light and darkness are in perfect alignment, then Mike Brown might play more than a game and half per season.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, the Bears are 15-5 lifetime against teams with Native American mascots when the air pressure is 900 to 1,100 millibars and the Gross Domestic Product annual increase is 3.9%. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: As Nietzsche said, “What is new, however, is always evil… and only what is old is good.” That’s from The Gay Science, Des. Think about it.