Bears v Chargers: 9-9-07

BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 9-9-07

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team in disarray after the firing of Marty Shottenheimer. Will the Chargers answer the challenge presented by the Bears? Or will the entire offensive line find themselves imprisoned by some bizarre allegation involving strippers, steroids, gambling, guns, drugs, and dwarves?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Satanicus Red-beard, Modre the font of trans-Western wisdom, and the Prissy Minion.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare to fill your treasure chests with gambling booty as Captain Red-beard unveils his predictions for this Bears season, as unveiled to me by Cthulu, the hip, new deity of evil, unlike Loki, last year’s flavor of the month. And Cthulu has tentacles, which fits in with the nautical motif I’ve tried so hard to maintain. I foresee the Bears going 11-5 this season, defeating the Chargers, Chiefs, Cowboys, Giants, and Redskins, plus their division rivals Packers, Lions, and Vikings twice. But they will fall to defeat against the might of the Eagles, Raiders, Seahawks, Broncos, and Saints.

Des: Lee Belcher. What are the Bears’ keys to victory?

Lee: Keys to victory, Des? Like the keys I used to scratch the paint off your loser-mobile? The key to victory is for the Bears to use quarterbacks like pitchers in baseball. Rex Grossman should be the starting quarterback, then Brian Griese should be the reliever, and Kyle Orton should be the closer. It worked in pre-season.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: When the waterfall of certain victory crashes against the rocks of despair, there you will find Rex Grossman in a football shaped barrel.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win?

CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-4 lifetime against West Coast teams that start and end with the letter “S” when the relative humidity is 25 to 50% and the Forbes 500 has outperformed the stock marker. Go Bears!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: With a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and you.

Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch in an arterio-sclerotic hell of your own making as the Bears face off in a glorious battle that will make you forget your mounting credit card debt until they cut off your cable.