BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.
Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.
Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?
SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”
Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.
Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?
PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Bears vs. Cardinals: 12-23-2012
BEARS VS CARDINALS: 12-23-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Arizona Cardinals after eliminating themselves from the playoffs last week. Will the Bears manage to win their last two games against mediocre teams? And will this be enough to save Coach Lovie Smith’s job? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “The Silence” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and puff-piece maestro, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, the Bears suffer yet enough late season decline and collapse. I’ve not seen this sort of slow degradation since the Roman, Byzantine, Ottoman, Austro-Hungarian, British, Soviet, and possibly… American… empires. What must the Bears do? If history must be misapplied again to an irrelevant context, I would say, in chronological order, avoid used lead plumbing, build better defenses against the Turks and the Crusaders, don’t rely on a army of slaves, avoid the perils of nationalism if you have a multi-ethnic empire that’s in the way of two other empires, don’t over-extend a sea-based empire and try to avoid being bankrupted by two world wars, don’t enact sweeping reforms without developing a broad base of support, and don’t over-borrow from the Chinese. Although, in truth, the Bears just need a better offensive line.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 75-42 against teams in cities where the average age of its residents is a hundred and nineteen, nineteen, na na na na, nineteen, nineteen.
Des: All those who remember that reference, they won’t forget what they’ve seen. Destruction of comedy in its prime…
SR: None of us will receive a hero’s welcome, either. And rightfully so. Season’s beatings, ye wretched land-lubbers!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Arizona Cardinals after eliminating themselves from the playoffs last week. Will the Bears manage to win their last two games against mediocre teams? And will this be enough to save Coach Lovie Smith’s job? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “The Silence” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and puff-piece maestro, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, the Bears suffer yet enough late season decline and collapse. I’ve not seen this sort of slow degradation since the Roman, Byzantine, Ottoman, Austro-Hungarian, British, Soviet, and possibly… American… empires. What must the Bears do? If history must be misapplied again to an irrelevant context, I would say, in chronological order, avoid used lead plumbing, build better defenses against the Turks and the Crusaders, don’t rely on a army of slaves, avoid the perils of nationalism if you have a multi-ethnic empire that’s in the way of two other empires, don’t over-extend a sea-based empire and try to avoid being bankrupted by two world wars, don’t enact sweeping reforms without developing a broad base of support, and don’t over-borrow from the Chinese. Although, in truth, the Bears just need a better offensive line.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Des, the Bears are 75-42 against teams in cities where the average age of its residents is a hundred and nineteen, nineteen, na na na na, nineteen, nineteen.
Des: All those who remember that reference, they won’t forget what they’ve seen. Destruction of comedy in its prime…
SR: None of us will receive a hero’s welcome, either. And rightfully so. Season’s beatings, ye wretched land-lubbers!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Bears vs. Packers: 12-16-2012
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-16-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears finally find the key to defeating the Green Bay Packers? Or will five interceptions that result in no points be the greatest gift Bears fans can expect to receive? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dog Star” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and this year’s sexy Mrs. Claus, Sally McChesty,
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Well, Des, like the legendary Brett Favre, I’ve “started” every game on this particular broadcast since 2002. But, also, like good old Number 4, I’m getting old and tired and forcing the comedic ball too many times only to be intercepted repeatedly. Therefore, Bears win 22-21.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, on paper, everything seems to be against the Bears today: Clay Matthews is expected to return and pound Jay Cutler repeatedly, Lovie Smith is on the hot seat for having several consecutive late season fades, Matt Forte might have negative yardage against the Pack defense, Brian Urlacher’s absence makes the Bears D vulnerable up the middle, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a meaningful game since the Majikowski era. Still, the Bears should win 45-10.
Des: Sally McChesty, we asked you to pose for our calendar to raise money for the expenses incurred by this pregame spectacular. How’s it coming?
SMC: Des, the pin-up calendar might sell better if it didn’t also contain the hideous visages of Captain Redbeard, Modre, the Prissy Minion, and especially the seven months of unspeakable things done to Drunky McDumbAss while he’s passed out.
Des: Modre. What “transcendently” nonsensical quote do you have for us?
Modre: Your famed crooner Leonard Cohen said it best, “I’ve seen the future, brother: it is murder.”
Des: He also said something to the effect of, “Despite all the tragedies and horrors, there is still a small, silly, irrelevant voice that says: There ain’t no cure for love.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnf4yuXg0ek
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their arch-nemesis the Green Bay Packers after a difficult loss to the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears finally find the key to defeating the Green Bay Packers? Or will five interceptions that result in no points be the greatest gift Bears fans can expect to receive? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dog Star” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and this year’s sexy Mrs. Claus, Sally McChesty,
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Well, Des, like the legendary Brett Favre, I’ve “started” every game on this particular broadcast since 2002. But, also, like good old Number 4, I’m getting old and tired and forcing the comedic ball too many times only to be intercepted repeatedly. Therefore, Bears win 22-21.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, on paper, everything seems to be against the Bears today: Clay Matthews is expected to return and pound Jay Cutler repeatedly, Lovie Smith is on the hot seat for having several consecutive late season fades, Matt Forte might have negative yardage against the Pack defense, Brian Urlacher’s absence makes the Bears D vulnerable up the middle, and the Bears haven’t beaten the Packers in a meaningful game since the Majikowski era. Still, the Bears should win 45-10.
Des: Sally McChesty, we asked you to pose for our calendar to raise money for the expenses incurred by this pregame spectacular. How’s it coming?
SMC: Des, the pin-up calendar might sell better if it didn’t also contain the hideous visages of Captain Redbeard, Modre, the Prissy Minion, and especially the seven months of unspeakable things done to Drunky McDumbAss while he’s passed out.
Des: Modre. What “transcendently” nonsensical quote do you have for us?
Modre: Your famed crooner Leonard Cohen said it best, “I’ve seen the future, brother: it is murder.”
Des: He also said something to the effect of, “Despite all the tragedies and horrors, there is still a small, silly, irrelevant voice that says: There ain’t no cure for love.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnf4yuXg0ek
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Bears vs. Vikings: 12-9-2012
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-9-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Bears be defense be able to play four, maybe five, quarters of football? Or will Jay Cutler be forced to run 1000 yards and score 50 points all by himself before being repeatedly crushed into a pile of goo, forcing the Bears to pick up a college rookie at quarterback, or… shudder… Tim Tebow? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “King Midas in Reverse” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and the clown prince of tailgate land, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I already mocked the Vikings two weeks ago, so it’s time for me to enter me own personal Hall of Shame as I review my picks for 2012. I chose the Jets to win the AFC East, but, hey, they be in second place… with a 5-7 record. Then there be the Titans, Cardinals, and Chargers, who should have won their divisions, but now languish in the Sargasso Sea of 4-8 records. Finally, there be the Philadelphia Eagles, who be the biggest disappointment to me since the Weather Channel’s attempt to name snowstorms like they do hurricanes failed to catch on. I still have a T-shirt that says “I survived Snowstorm Athena.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Vikings are 5-1 at home, Brian Urlacher is out with an injured hamstring, wide receiver Earl Bennett is out with a concussion, a shoulder injury has sidelined cornerback Tim Jennings, Adrian Peterson continues to get better, and the offensive line couldn’t stop a four year child on a Big Wheel. That said, the Bears will still win 30-10.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I keep pointing the label of my Bud Light bottle at the TV to make the Two Broke Girls commercial funny, but it ain’t working.
Des: Sally McChesty, we assigned you to watch the global radar to see if Santa has left the North Pole to deliver toys to good boys and girls. How’s that coming along?
SMC: Des, do you put any thought into these puff pieces? Christmas Eve isn’t for another 15 days. You might want to give Seattle a heads-up that a North Korean nuclear missile is heading their way, though.
Des: Modre. What insights do you have to share with us?
Modre: None that are worthy to share with your audience. But speaking of your “season of giving”, there is indeed a War on Christmas that I am waging, but it’s more passive-aggressive. Expect to receive 20 empty gift cards in the mail soon.
Des: Prissy Minion. What weirdly stalker-esque comments do you have to impart upon me today?
PM: Des, once again, you display an amiable sentimentality with loads of Jimmy Stewart-style character, in that you stammer a lot. Your lasting magnetism draws comedy from your cast of characters like mistletoe summons drunken oafs to make a horrible, horrible mistake that will take days, maybe weeks to undo.
Des: Somehow, I find that oddly reassuring… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the CBS lineup of Roseanne and Alice. I’m sorry; I meant to say Mike and Molly and Two Broke Girls.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after a difficult loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Bears be defense be able to play four, maybe five, quarters of football? Or will Jay Cutler be forced to run 1000 yards and score 50 points all by himself before being repeatedly crushed into a pile of goo, forcing the Bears to pick up a college rookie at quarterback, or… shudder… Tim Tebow? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “King Midas in Reverse” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and the clown prince of tailgate land, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I already mocked the Vikings two weeks ago, so it’s time for me to enter me own personal Hall of Shame as I review my picks for 2012. I chose the Jets to win the AFC East, but, hey, they be in second place… with a 5-7 record. Then there be the Titans, Cardinals, and Chargers, who should have won their divisions, but now languish in the Sargasso Sea of 4-8 records. Finally, there be the Philadelphia Eagles, who be the biggest disappointment to me since the Weather Channel’s attempt to name snowstorms like they do hurricanes failed to catch on. I still have a T-shirt that says “I survived Snowstorm Athena.”
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Vikings are 5-1 at home, Brian Urlacher is out with an injured hamstring, wide receiver Earl Bennett is out with a concussion, a shoulder injury has sidelined cornerback Tim Jennings, Adrian Peterson continues to get better, and the offensive line couldn’t stop a four year child on a Big Wheel. That said, the Bears will still win 30-10.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I keep pointing the label of my Bud Light bottle at the TV to make the Two Broke Girls commercial funny, but it ain’t working.
Des: Sally McChesty, we assigned you to watch the global radar to see if Santa has left the North Pole to deliver toys to good boys and girls. How’s that coming along?
SMC: Des, do you put any thought into these puff pieces? Christmas Eve isn’t for another 15 days. You might want to give Seattle a heads-up that a North Korean nuclear missile is heading their way, though.
Des: Modre. What insights do you have to share with us?
Modre: None that are worthy to share with your audience. But speaking of your “season of giving”, there is indeed a War on Christmas that I am waging, but it’s more passive-aggressive. Expect to receive 20 empty gift cards in the mail soon.
Des: Prissy Minion. What weirdly stalker-esque comments do you have to impart upon me today?
PM: Des, once again, you display an amiable sentimentality with loads of Jimmy Stewart-style character, in that you stammer a lot. Your lasting magnetism draws comedy from your cast of characters like mistletoe summons drunken oafs to make a horrible, horrible mistake that will take days, maybe weeks to undo.
Des: Somehow, I find that oddly reassuring… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by the CBS lineup of Roseanne and Alice. I’m sorry; I meant to say Mike and Molly and Two Broke Girls.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Bears vs. Seahawks: 12-2-2012
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 12-2-2012
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a mighty drubbing of the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears build on this triumph to shellac another hapless team, or will this prove to be a trap game that results in every franchise Bears player getting injured? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Doggie Dogg” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 0.5 himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Much like last week, ye might falsely assume that I’d be blindly supporting the Seahawks, because they have the word “sea” as part of their name, and so I’d spasmodically slap my one good hand into me hook like a seal flapping its flippers, but, nay! There be nothing I can support about Seattle other than it’s presumably an easy town for ocean-based looting if the stereotypes about lethargic, apathetic Seattle grunge slackers from the 1990s still ring true today, like the music of Soundgarden still serves as me person anthem! There be nothing wrong about songs that sound like 6 to 10 minutes of just… intro! That be how I drove many coastal towns into surrender, by just parking a fleet of ships proudly waving the Jolly Roger, and staring menacingly at the land-lubbers until they’d give into our demands just to make us leave. That and playing Soundgarden loudly through our concert stadium speakers for 96 consecutive hours. Speaking of Bears football, which I started talking about when I first opened this case of Jamaican rum, which I’m just now finishing… uh, anyway… that’s what the Bears defense needs to win, an endless loop of Soundgarden, which is itself an endless loop, so you have a nice exponential multiplier effect of despair happening… but there’s probably a pretty substantial penalty for this musical crime against humanity, like a 50 fathom penalty, and an automatic keel-hauling.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Seahawks have the strong cornerback duo of Richard Sherman and Brandon Bower, Matt Forte’s ankle is still banged up, and Jay Cutler is under the pitiless glare of the media spotlight. That said, the Bears will still emerge on top 58-10 at the end of the first quarter.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I just spent the night shirtless while two men flanked me on both sides yelling insults at me, wiping me down while I’m eating painfully hot wings and knocking back some smooth drinking Bud Light, but I’m 100% hetero. There’s nothing wrong with a little manly humiliation. Just ask my imaginary ex-girlfriend.
Des: So, wait, Drunky… the best you can imagine for yourself is an ex-girlfriend?
DMD: I have self-esteem issues.
Des: Sally McChesty, we sent you down to a “Toys for Tots” event featuring former NFL legend Ron Shambles. How did it go?
SMC: Usually, Des, there’s nothing like a good Christmas-oriented photo op of yourself giving gifts to children to wipe away the normally indelible stains of one’s numerous crimes against property, basic human decency, and war orphans. Unless you go on a steroid fueled rampage and use your size 20 work boots to grind into dust some action figures of your own teammates. Which is what Ron Shambles did today at the Ronald McDonald House.
Des: Modre. Would you like to chime in here?
Modre: Are you referring to the “clanging chimes of doom” mentioned in your holiday flavor-ite Do They Know it’s Christmas? To answer that question, Des, I know all too well, my unenlightened yuletide besotted friend. All too well.
Des: Prissy Minion. What chalkboard-scraping praise do you have to bestow upon me this first weekend of December?
PM: Des, your Christmas episodes bring you to the depths of George Bailey on the bridge, Charlie Brown’s dead tree, shunned Rudolph, dead Tiny Tim, and melted Frosty sadness, but then bring us back to the joyous heights of Zu-Zu’s petals, Linus’s blanket, Santa’s acceptance (because Rudolph was briefly useful), the winter breeze that restored Frosty, and naked dancing Scrooge. You breathe new life into a depleted Christmas genre.
Des: Wait... naked, dancing Scrooge? I’ll have to think about, and then repress, that for a while… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game as magical as Bad Santa. And I mean that with no trace of irony.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seahawks after a mighty drubbing of the Minnesota Vikings. Will the Bears build on this triumph to shellac another hapless team, or will this prove to be a trap game that results in every franchise Bears player getting injured? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sea Doggie Dogg” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 0.5 himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Much like last week, ye might falsely assume that I’d be blindly supporting the Seahawks, because they have the word “sea” as part of their name, and so I’d spasmodically slap my one good hand into me hook like a seal flapping its flippers, but, nay! There be nothing I can support about Seattle other than it’s presumably an easy town for ocean-based looting if the stereotypes about lethargic, apathetic Seattle grunge slackers from the 1990s still ring true today, like the music of Soundgarden still serves as me person anthem! There be nothing wrong about songs that sound like 6 to 10 minutes of just… intro! That be how I drove many coastal towns into surrender, by just parking a fleet of ships proudly waving the Jolly Roger, and staring menacingly at the land-lubbers until they’d give into our demands just to make us leave. That and playing Soundgarden loudly through our concert stadium speakers for 96 consecutive hours. Speaking of Bears football, which I started talking about when I first opened this case of Jamaican rum, which I’m just now finishing… uh, anyway… that’s what the Bears defense needs to win, an endless loop of Soundgarden, which is itself an endless loop, so you have a nice exponential multiplier effect of despair happening… but there’s probably a pretty substantial penalty for this musical crime against humanity, like a 50 fathom penalty, and an automatic keel-hauling.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Seahawks have the strong cornerback duo of Richard Sherman and Brandon Bower, Matt Forte’s ankle is still banged up, and Jay Cutler is under the pitiless glare of the media spotlight. That said, the Bears will still emerge on top 58-10 at the end of the first quarter.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I just spent the night shirtless while two men flanked me on both sides yelling insults at me, wiping me down while I’m eating painfully hot wings and knocking back some smooth drinking Bud Light, but I’m 100% hetero. There’s nothing wrong with a little manly humiliation. Just ask my imaginary ex-girlfriend.
Des: So, wait, Drunky… the best you can imagine for yourself is an ex-girlfriend?
DMD: I have self-esteem issues.
Des: Sally McChesty, we sent you down to a “Toys for Tots” event featuring former NFL legend Ron Shambles. How did it go?
SMC: Usually, Des, there’s nothing like a good Christmas-oriented photo op of yourself giving gifts to children to wipe away the normally indelible stains of one’s numerous crimes against property, basic human decency, and war orphans. Unless you go on a steroid fueled rampage and use your size 20 work boots to grind into dust some action figures of your own teammates. Which is what Ron Shambles did today at the Ronald McDonald House.
Des: Modre. Would you like to chime in here?
Modre: Are you referring to the “clanging chimes of doom” mentioned in your holiday flavor-ite Do They Know it’s Christmas? To answer that question, Des, I know all too well, my unenlightened yuletide besotted friend. All too well.
Des: Prissy Minion. What chalkboard-scraping praise do you have to bestow upon me this first weekend of December?
PM: Des, your Christmas episodes bring you to the depths of George Bailey on the bridge, Charlie Brown’s dead tree, shunned Rudolph, dead Tiny Tim, and melted Frosty sadness, but then bring us back to the joyous heights of Zu-Zu’s petals, Linus’s blanket, Santa’s acceptance (because Rudolph was briefly useful), the winter breeze that restored Frosty, and naked dancing Scrooge. You breathe new life into a depleted Christmas genre.
Des: Wait... naked, dancing Scrooge? I’ll have to think about, and then repress, that for a while… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game as magical as Bad Santa. And I mean that with no trace of irony.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-25-2012
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-25-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against a resurgent Minnesota Vikings after a beat down from the San Francisco 49ers. Will the return of Jay Cutler restore some life to the Bears offense, or will one name resound throughout Chicagoland as the Bears’ only hope? Neckbeard… Neckbeard… NECKBEARD!!! To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Muscle Hamster” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 12 Steps to Comedy himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye might assume that I’d be cheering on the Vikings, since they indulge in boat-based plundering, but their purple uniforms inspire nothing but disgust, much like the old turquoise Tampa Bay Buccaneers outfits! Now there be a sartorial choice that inspired naught but losing records for a generation!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears offense is 31st in the league in passing yards and 30th in overall yardage, and Adrian Peterson is unstoppable. That said, the Bears will still win 63-4.
Des: So the Vikings will get two safeties? I wouldn’t bet that in Vegas. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I managed to get Mall of America Field confused with the Mall of America, so I’ve been drunkenly shambling from department store to department store watching the game until the security guards chase me out. Go Bears!
Des: Also, the Bears don’t play in Minnesota until December 9th.
DMD: Oops.
Des: Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: I don’t know what Captain Redbeard’s problem is with the Vikings’ uniforms. Did you know that the Phoenicians built their entire civilization on purple? They were famed in Classical Greece and Rome as 'traders in purple', referring to their monopoly on the precious purple dye of the Murex snail, used, among other things, for royal clothing, and for their spread of the alphabet (or abjad), from which all major modern phonetic alphabets are derived.
SR: Arrh, matey! That be some good cuttin’ and pasting from Wikipedia!
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. What disturbing praise do you have to lavish upon me this holiday season?
PM: Des, your body of work is simultaneously calculating and inspired. Your potent charisma issues a desperate cry for help to the entire 21st century while also transcending the constraints of cultural space and time.
Des: Uh, okay… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will continue the storied rivalry between the Windy City and the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. Personally, I was disappointed that Schaumburg surrendered the oversized mall race to the Mall of America. I wanted a monstrously huge mall that could be seen from space!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against a resurgent Minnesota Vikings after a beat down from the San Francisco 49ers. Will the return of Jay Cutler restore some life to the Bears offense, or will one name resound throughout Chicagoland as the Bears’ only hope? Neckbeard… Neckbeard… NECKBEARD!!! To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Muscle Hamster” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and Mr. 12 Steps to Comedy himself, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye might assume that I’d be cheering on the Vikings, since they indulge in boat-based plundering, but their purple uniforms inspire nothing but disgust, much like the old turquoise Tampa Bay Buccaneers outfits! Now there be a sartorial choice that inspired naught but losing records for a generation!
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears offense is 31st in the league in passing yards and 30th in overall yardage, and Adrian Peterson is unstoppable. That said, the Bears will still win 63-4.
Des: So the Vikings will get two safeties? I wouldn’t bet that in Vegas. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, I managed to get Mall of America Field confused with the Mall of America, so I’ve been drunkenly shambling from department store to department store watching the game until the security guards chase me out. Go Bears!
Des: Also, the Bears don’t play in Minnesota until December 9th.
DMD: Oops.
Des: Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: I don’t know what Captain Redbeard’s problem is with the Vikings’ uniforms. Did you know that the Phoenicians built their entire civilization on purple? They were famed in Classical Greece and Rome as 'traders in purple', referring to their monopoly on the precious purple dye of the Murex snail, used, among other things, for royal clothing, and for their spread of the alphabet (or abjad), from which all major modern phonetic alphabets are derived.
SR: Arrh, matey! That be some good cuttin’ and pasting from Wikipedia!
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. What disturbing praise do you have to lavish upon me this holiday season?
PM: Des, your body of work is simultaneously calculating and inspired. Your potent charisma issues a desperate cry for help to the entire 21st century while also transcending the constraints of cultural space and time.
Des: Uh, okay… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will continue the storied rivalry between the Windy City and the Twin Cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. Personally, I was disappointed that Schaumburg surrendered the oversized mall race to the Mall of America. I wanted a monstrously huge mall that could be seen from space!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Bears vs. 49ers: 11-19-2012
BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-19-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.
Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.
Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?
PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. Backup quarterback Jason Campbell and the Bears face a baptism of fire against one of the league’s best defenses after last week’s baptism of… water in the form of a torrential downpour, which, I guess, is a more traditional baptism… uh, anyway... Will Jason Campbell provide adequate support to a mighty defense and special teams, or will the march to the Superbowl end in a march to an 8-8 record? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kidney Stone” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Now that it be November 19th and the starting quarterbacks of both the Bears and 49ers are out this game, it be time to revisit my prediction from week one that “all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October”. My prognostication was only off by a matter of degree, much like the Mayan apocalyptic prophesy only turned out to be Hurricane Sandy, and “Red Dawn” turned out to be the re-election of Barack Obama.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-5 when they play with their starting quarterback and 97-312 when they play with their backup quarterback. That joke never gets old.
Des: Or any less true. Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Since 2008, Des, I’ve worn a Bears jersey on which I’ve added the name of each quarterback who’s played for the Bears. That jersey now stretches from Soldier Field to Bourbonnais.
Des: Hey, that’s the Bears practice field near Kankakee! Awesome! Sally McChesty, what are your thoughts?
SMC: Des, we all wish a speedy recovery for The Coach, but have you ever noticed that, in recent commercials, Mike Ditka looks like an overweight Stan Lee?
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion. Welcome back. What bizarre praise do you have to lavish upon me?
PM: Des, your broadcasts are like Charlie Brown kicking the football: Horribly predictable, but they still bring a smile to my face every time.
Des: Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will provide everything and more you can expect from NFL football. Or you can watch the “director’s cut” version of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving where the Peanuts gang end up on the Mayflower and most of the incomprehensible-speaking adults at Plymouth Plantation die of starvation and disease… I’m not making this up, by the way. Watch it yourself!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Bears vs. Texans: 11-11-12
BEARS VS. TEXANS: 11-11-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Houston Texans, one of the worst-named teams in the NFL. What’s next, the Chicago Illinoisans or the Boston Mass-holes? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Dorsal Hair” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Prepare yourselves, ye wretched land-lubbers who be not e’en remotely deserving of the aquatic wisdom I am about to bestow upon thee… I lost me train of thought. Anyway… prepare thyselves as I name Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis the Jacksonville Jags, with their 1-8 record. Clearly, they be another team afflicted with Captain Redbeard’s Nautical Curse. Captain, ye may be asking, what did the Jags do to earn your hateful fury? They trespassed upon the sacred turf of Florida, mateys! Only my beloved Tampa Bay Buccaneers deserve to play upon the soil of the Sunshine State! The only reasonable course of action for the Jags is move to Chicago and play upon accursed Wrigley Field as, I don’t know, something lame, like the Chicago Illinoisans, or something equally bad.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears are 11-22 when they play on dates with five 1’s and two 2’s, and they have a 37-45 record when they play against teams from Texas. That said, the Bears will still win 64-4.
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, the last thing I remember is blowing 30 dollars on 20 Long Island Iced Teas at the Smart Bar in 1986. Now I’ve woken up outside some giant spaceship where Soldier Field used to be. What year is this?
Des: 2012.
DMD: Oh. Well, I can safely assume that the Bears created an unstoppable dynasty and won 60 Superbowls after their 1985 championship.
Des: Well, kind of. They did play in the Superbowl at the end of the 2006 season. And lost. So, Drunky McDumbAss: I bet you’ll be pretty freaked to learn that we just re-elected a president named Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA?!? Which sounds like “Osama”?!? Get it?!?
DMD: Yeah, Des, I would care if anyone in 1986 would have any idea who either Saddam Hussein or Osama bin Laden were.
Des: Sally McChesty, we inexplicably sent you overseas to Afghanistan to find out how our soldiers are enjoying our Bears blog. Are they huddled around a laptop, laughing it up over our shenanigans?
SMC: Des, have you bothered to check your site meter? You have maybe 4 readers who stumble onto it by accident. I sold your ticket to Afghanistan on e-Bay for a case of Boone’s Farm, trying to forget that this “show” even exists.
PM: Des?
Des: Prissy Minion?!? What are you doing here?
PM: I’m saddened by the complete lack of Des worship from my replacements. You may only have 4 random readers, but what they have received is nothing less than a jubilant celebration of life in all its textures and colors and roller coaster ride ups and downs. You captivate the globe with your calls for hedonistic abandonment.
Des: Wait a minute. Isn’t that the I-tunes review for “One Direction”, or, as Mad magazine presumably calls them, “One Dimension”? Still, that makes me feels better inside.
Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will demonstrate whether they are the real deal, or… a real steal like these Timex watches, which dad will really appreciate this holiday season, at Target, where holiday deals mean holiday steals!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Bears vs. Titans: 11-4-2012
BEARS VS. TITANS: 11-4-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tennessee Titans after a dangerously close game against the Carolina Panthers. Will the Bears manage to squeeze out another win against another lackluster team? Or will the Bears’ offensive woes, defensive miscues, and erratic field goal kicking create another October Surprise... in November? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “My Pal Foot-Foot” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! As the dark stormy clouds of the presidential electoral stormageddon hang heavily over us all, land-lubber and ocean warrior alike, let me take a moment to cackle with super-villain glee over the realization that, no matter who wins or loses, somebody is about to blow a billion dollars on a presidential campaign with nothing to show for it. AH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAA!!!!!!!! There be not a waste of money of this magnitude since I bought the complete set of statues of Lenin and Stalin from the former Warsaw Pact countries in 1989… if only I’d waited until their economies collapsed 20 years later! Parenthetically, Bears win 13-7.
Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?
CWP: Well, Des, Cutler tends to rely too heavily on Brandon Marshall, Cutler’s been sacked 25 times this season, and Matt Hasselbeck can occasionally be a good quarterback. That said, the Bears will still win 49 to 47… which will be the margin of victory for Obama versus Romney with 4% going to the Libertarian candidate. Who is it this time? Geddy Lee?
Des: Drunky McDumb-Ass. How are things going in tailgate land?
DMD: Last night was Daylight Stealing Time, which, for me, means an extra hour of drinking. Which is why I’m at Fargo, North Dakota, instead of Nashville for today’s Bears game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: I don’t think, Des. I am merely a conduit of cosmic consciousness, a loudspeaker, if you will, that blurts out whatever bursts forth from its eternal wisdom-- or a mélange of random words, take your pick. But remember, your opinion of my genius reveals the depth of your own insight. By which I mean, if you disagree with me, you are an ignorant bore who believes that pointing the label of your Bud Light toward the TV will cause the kicker to score a field goal-- or Mitt Romney to get elected. Besides, the truly learned ones know that it is naught but Coors Lite which has the level of dark alchemy needed to bend reality to your will.
Des: Sally McChesty, we dispatched you to New York and New Jersey to serve as a goodwill ambassador to the victims of Hurricane Sandy. How is that going so far?
SMC: Des, they were none too happy with you trying to dump your Cade McNown and Rex Grossman jerseys on them. But they felt a little better after they siphoned the gas from my SUV and left me stranded in Hoboken.
Des: Say “hi” to They Might Be Giants for me. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game chock full of election commercials that will be immediately replaced by Christmas ads come Wednesday.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Bears vs. Panthers: 10-28-12
BEARS VS. PANTHERS: 10-28-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?
Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?
SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.
Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Carolina Panthers and the whiniest quarterback since… Jay Cutler. Will the Bears play four solid quarter of football, minus a scary last two minutes of regulation? Or will Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton experience a redemption not seen since… Jay Cutler? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Woodsy Owl” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Last game, the Bears nearly collapsed from exhaustion in the last two minutes of the game. What must they do to revitalize themselves down the stretch? Forget your land-lubbing remedies of Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy Drinks, or crystal meth. Forget even the powerful stimulant khat used by the modern-day Somali pirates. Floggings, floggings, floggings be the answer to heightened alertness. Whether it be a cat o’ nine tails, or a savage peg-leg beating, nothing revives the dragging soul like a whipping.
Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Well, Des, either I passed out and woke up at a Raiders game again, or Bears fans are celebrating Halloween a little bit early this year. I’m seeing a lot of either Paul Ryan or that one guy from Fox Sports… is it Joe Buck?
Des: Sally McChesty. How did your interview with Cam Newton go?
SMC: Predictably annoying, as always. Actually, Des, while he was blathering on about something inconsequential, I was turning my thoughts to the Bears problems with focus during the last two minutes of the game, and I came up with a new drink called “Hyper-Maniacal Focus Factor Mark XII.” I consumed it myself shortly before this interview, and I can actually hear my fingernails growing! Maybe I should dial down the amount of Dimethylbarbituanoloxymandilase in my next batch.
Des: I don’t know, Sally, it sounds like you might have just invented another printing press of money based on human misery. Speaking of which, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as a backdrop to a future flashback of 2012, featuring Hurricane Sandy, Obama and Romney, and the Mayan apocalypse.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Bears vs. Lions: 10-22-12
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-22-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.
Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.
SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.
Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?
DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.
Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?
SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.
Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Bears vs. Jaguars: 10-7-2012
BEARS VS. JAGUARS: 10-7-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Jacksonville Jags after a stunning victory against the Dallas Cowboys. Will the Bears strengthen their foundation built upon a mighty defense scoring numerous touchdowns, the golden leg of Robbie Gould, and the acceptable arm of Jay Cutler? Or will Jags quarterback Blaine Gabbert suddenly find that the key to offensive success is to throw to receivers whose jerseys most resemble your own? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Freak on a Leash” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and sonic ear candy, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Come join me, won’t you, as I reveal the most horrible team in the NFL: ‘Tis the returning NFL referees! I had salted away many an ill-gotten treasure by making truly random bets only made viable by the incompetence of the replacement refs! Now I have nothing to hang me badly rotting peg-leg on!
Des: Uh, thank you, Captain, for that disturbing image. Modre, what are your haphazard musings this week?
Modre: The Bears will continue to make ripples in the football ether. So says my piercing vision unveiled in pools of Ripple and clouds of ether.
Des: Concord Peabody. What sequence of numbers will you clumsily wield this week?
CP: Des, the Jaguars’ season is on the line and they may try bold experimentation against the Bears. Unfortunately, by the third quarter, that “bold experimentation” might include “going for it” on every fourth down, and/or doing “on side” kicks randomly. Bears win 59-2.
Des: Sally McChesty. We dispatched you once again to interview NFL “bad boy” Ron Shambles. According to his publicist, the recent birth of his daughter has really transformed him.
SMC: If, by “transformed”, you mean “made even worse”, then, sure, I’ll go along with that. “Bad boy” doesn’t even begin to describe this awful excuse for what could laughably be called a human being. No, Des, at best, this alleged daughter is a prop, a shield, if you will, to hide the fact that his massive steroid use has not only made him incapable of human interaction that doesn’t end in multiple fractures and multi-million dollar property damage, but has also rendered him more sterile than the Mars Curiosity Rover.
Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that can’t possibly be less exciting than the Obama-Romney debate. Although that might be setting the bar really, really low. And that would include replay review after every play, and non-stop badinage of a broadcast team made of Cris Collinsworth, Joe Buck, and Dan Dierdorf.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Bears vs. Cowboys: 10-1-12
BEARS VS. COWBOYS: 10-1-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys as both teams stand atop their divisions with 2-1 records. Will the Bears repeat last week’s victory formula of strong defense, solid field goal kicking, and an offense that showed flashes of competence? Or will Tony Romo be able to “control what [he] can control” and send Bears fandom into an over-reactive power dive of despair?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tippi Turtle” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and what passes for gender equality in the NFL: Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye will address me as Senator Roobaert, for that will soon be me job title and plausible alias after the November 6 election.
Des: Captain, are you running as a Tea Party candidate?
SR: Nay! As much as I would enjoy the endorsement from the party named after an event of piracy, the Tea Party name has exhausted its usefulness as a clever rebranding of the Republican Party. Now the Republicans need yet another American Revolution-themed brand name. I’m thinking of calling ourselves the “John Paul Jones” Party.
Des: That’s actually fairly clever, Captain, since he’s famous for saying “I have not yet begun to fight.” That’s a built-in rallying cry.
SR: It may be more appropriate to call us the “Intolerable Acts” Party once you see the legislation we’ll be enacting. But the media will be too focused on my cleverly disguised distraction that, when you type in “Roobaert”, spell-check transforms it to “Boob art”.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears continue to struggle on offense, Matt Forte remains injured, and Tony Romo is harder to kill than some horrible Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris/Doctor Who hybrid. But the Cowboys also have a player named “Dez”. Therefore, Bears win 54-3.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Numerous ancient faiths and civilizations celebrate harvest holidays at this time of year. Since most of you pathetic Westerners have no idea where food comes from, it would be most fitting to have the horrible “Soylent Green Revelation Day”.
Des: All right. So far we have two members of our BEARS panel that have not even commented on FOOTBALL!! Sally McChesty. Did your interview with Paul Ryan make a passing reference to football?
SMC: Des, my Paul Ryan interview started with a tortured comparison between the replacement referees and Barack Obama. The exact quote was, "It's time to get the real refs. And do you know what; it reminds me of President Obama and the economy. If you can't get it right, it's time to get out." Then he started to make other random comparisons. “And what does the ‘check engine’ light remind me of? Barack Obama. ATM fees? Barack Obama. Trying to program your VCR? Barack Obama. Mismatched socks? Barack Obama.”
Des: Hey, those are some good comedy stylings. Here’s a good one: What does the Rubric’s Cube remind me of? Barack Obama.
SMC: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of Walter Mondale, Captain Flashback?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a Monday Night matchup that might tear people away from “Dancing with the Stars” if they didn’t feature more Dallas Cowboys all stars!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Dallas Cowboys as both teams stand atop their divisions with 2-1 records. Will the Bears repeat last week’s victory formula of strong defense, solid field goal kicking, and an offense that showed flashes of competence? Or will Tony Romo be able to “control what [he] can control” and send Bears fandom into an over-reactive power dive of despair?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tippi Turtle” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and what passes for gender equality in the NFL: Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye will address me as Senator Roobaert, for that will soon be me job title and plausible alias after the November 6 election.
Des: Captain, are you running as a Tea Party candidate?
SR: Nay! As much as I would enjoy the endorsement from the party named after an event of piracy, the Tea Party name has exhausted its usefulness as a clever rebranding of the Republican Party. Now the Republicans need yet another American Revolution-themed brand name. I’m thinking of calling ourselves the “John Paul Jones” Party.
Des: That’s actually fairly clever, Captain, since he’s famous for saying “I have not yet begun to fight.” That’s a built-in rallying cry.
SR: It may be more appropriate to call us the “Intolerable Acts” Party once you see the legislation we’ll be enacting. But the media will be too focused on my cleverly disguised distraction that, when you type in “Roobaert”, spell-check transforms it to “Boob art”.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, the Bears continue to struggle on offense, Matt Forte remains injured, and Tony Romo is harder to kill than some horrible Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris/Doctor Who hybrid. But the Cowboys also have a player named “Dez”. Therefore, Bears win 54-3.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Numerous ancient faiths and civilizations celebrate harvest holidays at this time of year. Since most of you pathetic Westerners have no idea where food comes from, it would be most fitting to have the horrible “Soylent Green Revelation Day”.
Des: All right. So far we have two members of our BEARS panel that have not even commented on FOOTBALL!! Sally McChesty. Did your interview with Paul Ryan make a passing reference to football?
SMC: Des, my Paul Ryan interview started with a tortured comparison between the replacement referees and Barack Obama. The exact quote was, "It's time to get the real refs. And do you know what; it reminds me of President Obama and the economy. If you can't get it right, it's time to get out." Then he started to make other random comparisons. “And what does the ‘check engine’ light remind me of? Barack Obama. ATM fees? Barack Obama. Trying to program your VCR? Barack Obama. Mismatched socks? Barack Obama.”
Des: Hey, those are some good comedy stylings. Here’s a good one: What does the Rubric’s Cube remind me of? Barack Obama.
SMC: Are you sure it doesn’t remind you of Walter Mondale, Captain Flashback?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a Monday Night matchup that might tear people away from “Dancing with the Stars” if they didn’t feature more Dallas Cowboys all stars!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Bears vs. Rams: 9-23-12
BEARS VS. RAMS: 9-23-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the St. Louis Rams after a difficult loss to the Green Bay Packers. Will Jay Cutler return to his game one performance, when he was the greatest quarterback in Bears history? Or will he continue to be the worst quarterback since the last 60 quarterbacks who have helmed the Bears—including such luminaries as Rex McNownczak, Kordell Tom Willis, and Griese Krieg-mirer?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Astroglide” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and eye candy for radio Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After looking at me star charts—or maybe it’s an album sleeve from a Donovan record—uh, anyway—I see naught but yet another storied mutiny for the Bears, this time against their beleaguered quarterback Jay (the “J” stands for “Jeen-yus”) Jay Cutler. Ah, as one who has been through more than his fair share of mutinies himself, I appreciate a good revolt and this one proves to be a mighty uprising of Billy Budd-esque proportions, easily surpassing the oustings of Mike Martz, Ron Turner, and Dick Jauron. This might even approach the exquisite under-the-bus tossing of Dave Wannstedt!
Des: Oh, Captain… Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWP: Well, Des, I know a lot of people are down on the Bears right now, but there’s nothing wrong with a five-quarterback offense, and it would give the offensive line something to do. You can’t sack a quarterback if you don’t who he is—or her. It’s the old gender switcheroo. It worked for Bill Veeck.
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for football fans this week?
Modre: Your American football bores me. I prefer the Eastern game of beach kabaddi, a highly physical mix of tag and wrestling, which is nothing at all like your pathetic football. We don’t have military aircraft flying over our games. Yet.
Des: Sally McChesty. Once again, we’ve reassigned you to do a puff piece to humanize the low resolution avatar political interface of corporate America: Mitt Romney. Please tell me it went well this time!
SMC: It started out just fine, but then Governor Romney started raving about how, in order to win the election, he has to depend on a bunch of lazy, beer-swilling football zombies who clap like a room full of crack addict monkeys every time the Blue Angels fly over while Taylor Swift is singing “God Bless the USA”, but it all doesn’t matter because we’ve secretly replaced the Electoral College with Folger’s Crystals.
Des: Oh, my freaking God. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that may answer the question, “Who is the new head coach for the Chicago Bears?”
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!
SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?
Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.
Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.
Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.
Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?
SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.
Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after a convincing drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts. Will the Bears capitalize on this early win to begin the march to the Superbowl left unfinished by Jay Cutler’s season-ending injury? Or will the methodical, emotionless arm cannon of Aaron Rogers slice through the Bears defense like the Borg cube through the Enterprise, or a knife through a tur-duck-en?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Summer Breeze” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and token beard, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After attaching electric eels to me nipples for what seemed a fortnight, the Treasure Map to the Superbowl was reveled to me. In the AFC, I foresee the Jets, Steelers, Titans, and Chargers unfurling divisional banners, while the Patriots and Ravens skulk into the playoffs as wild cards. In the NFC, I predict that the Bears, Eagles, Falcons, and Cardinals will stamp their blood-soaked boots on the necks of their divisional foes, while the Packers and 49ers will experience the un-washable black mark of being the NFC wild cards. And gird your loins for this revelation: I predict that the Steelers will defeat the Falcons in this year’s Superbowl.
Des: Captain, when I looked over your picks from last year, I was more than extremely surprised to see that you correctly picked the Patriots to be in the Superbowl (and that they would lose). You also correctly picked the Ravens, Saints and the Giants to win their divisions, the Bengals would get in as a wild card, and you correctly said that the Broncos would make it to the playoffs. But then you picked the Rams, who had a 2-14 record, to win their division. And don’t get me started about what happened to the Bears!
SR: ARRRH, Des, I believed the hype about whoever the Rams quarterback was then. Wasn’t he named something like SQ3R or 2XL?
Des: Why not? Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Des, I was disappointed that the Bears only won by 20 points rather than the 68 point margin I expected them to have. I think I need to set the bar higher. Bears win 114 to 3.
Des: Modre. Activate comedic randomizer in 3, 2, 1.
Modre: Roald Dahl, whose birthday is today, created Willy Wonka, who once said, “So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.” Unless you’re talking about football.
Des: Sally McChesty. You interviewed Mitt Romney to try to make him seem slightly human on orders from our corporate overlords who sponsor this broadcast. How did that work out?
SMC: Well, Des, when I asked him a softball question about instant replay, Governor Romney went off on a tirade about how the football team owners are the real job creators and that the players’ union is destroying football. Then he babbled on about how revenue sharing and parity is socialism.
Des: Um…ugh. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a titanic divisional match up that might turn people away from “Glee”… Maybe.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Bears vs. Colts: 9-9-12
BEARS VS. COLTS: 9-9-12
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Indianapolis Colts in a half-assed rematch of Superbowl 41. Will Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall regain the magic they displayed as the tag team extraordinaire of the Denver Broncos? Or will Colts’ quarterback Andrew Luck turn in an outstanding performance that will inspire many more tortured puns based on his last name?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Leather Tuscadero” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and returning after a five year hiatus, Sally McChesty.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! After 10 years of doing these Bears pre-game broadcasts, I’ve used every tool to predict the Bears seasons without success: Bodily ailments, visions from various deities, magic 8 balls… I’ve even resorted to statistical analysis! What’s left? Mermaid entrails? The patterns of goo on the inside of me eye patch? Why not? Here be my predictions for the 2012 Bears season:
The Bears will go 14-2 this year, water-boarding the Colts, Rams, Cowboys, Jags, Panthers, Titans, Texans, 49ers, Seahawks, and Cardinals, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Packers twice. On an unrelated topic, I don’t need a crystal ball to predict that all of Sunday’s quarterbacks throughout the NFL will have a career-ending injury by the middle of October thanks to the replacement refs and the overturning of the New Orleans Saints player suspensions.
Des: Captain, I noticed that the Bears are not playing the Buccaneers and Raiders this season. Are you saddened by this turn of events?
SR: I’ll make do with the Bears playing the Seahawks. Plus, I’m pretty sure that the Weather Channel has some pointless documentaries about the weather and piracy that will inspire me to do some angry blogging.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: Well, Andrew Luck was a really good college quarterback, the Colts still have plenty of strong veterans, including the dependable kicker Adam Vinatieri, and Brian Urlacher might be out due to a knee injury. That said, the Bears will still win 74 to 6.
Des: Modre! I have no idea what you will say next.
Modre: Nor should you, for I have rejected your strait-jacketed Western notions of linear thought. On September 6, the people of Swaziland celebrated Somhlolo Day for the 19th century King Somhlolo, whose name means “wonder”. The true “wonder” is that Indianapolis has a football team.
Des: Nice. A fake multi-cultural reference reduced to a set up for a crappy joke. Finally, we have Sally McChesty, a supermodel ex-cheerleader whose touching interview with Ron Shambles will show the human side of this controversial defensive line man-monster.
SMC: Des, after spending several days in an interview that turned into a standoff with police, defensive legend Ron Shambles has shared with me the secrets of his soul, and these are the only ones that were fit for broadcast: He’s had roosters fighting pit bulls for money, he refuses to pay child support for any of the 20 children he’s had with 15 different women, he’s stolen money and women from war veterans, and he’s a Holocaust denier. Ron Shambles is a horrible, horrible human being.
Des: That’s all the time we have, folks. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that might make people forget about the terrible economy… if trillions of dollars of TV advertising money from the Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson weren’t spent to remind them!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Bears vs. Vikings: 1-1-12
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 1-1-12
Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.
WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.
Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.
Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?
Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.
Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?
Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?
Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.
Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?
Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.
Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.
Des: Welcome to this season's final edition of the Chicago Bears football pregame show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in a game that means nothing to either team. Will the Bears audition a different quarterback every play? Or will both teams agree to give its fans a true show with a series of choreographed wacky plays, not unlike to Harlem Globetrotters, with the coin toss determining which team gets to be the Washington Generals? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Moses Magnum" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and truth-seeker extraordinaire, Wonder Woman.
WW: Really, Des? "Truth-seeking extraordinaire"? Could you be any more pompous? Is that supposed to refer to my magic lasso? If so, be aware that I'm shifting to waterboarding for 2012.
Redbeard: ARRRRHHHHH, mateys! If ye be done with your pointless flirtations, it be time for Captain Redbeard's Rum-soaked Reevelation for the New Year. God seems to be getting himself involved in football even more than usual lately, from choosing Tim Tebow as his quarterback, to telling St. Louis Rams cornerback Al Harris it's time to retire. (True story!) What must the Bears do to receive similar divine intervention? Well, since Jehovah has clearly picked the Psckers to be the NFC North team for this decade, the Bears must fight back with deities from as many different parthenons as they can sucker into helping, whether it be my favorites Poseidon and Neptune, or Buddha (because no one would suspect him), or Quetzalcoatl. I'd go for Quetzalcoatl, since 2012 seems to be his year.
Des: Concord Peabody. What's your prediction?
Concord: Well, Des, this is the 20th anniversary of the breakup of the Soviet Union. The Bears are 4-0 when major empires disband, defeating the Packers when the Austro-Hungarian Empire collapsed in 1918, the Browns when the Ottoman Empire fell in 1922, the Redskins when India broke off from Great Britain, and the Chargers when the Soviet Union disbanded.
Des: But, Concord, no major empire is falling apart now, is it?
Concord: Why don't you cut away to Modre?
Modre: A Chinese fortune cookie once said, "Force equals too much, effort equals too little, being equals just right." Being Lovie Smith has not been especially helpful lately.
Des: Prissy Minion. What are your thought?
Prissy: Des, my New Year's Resolution is to lose enough weight to fit inside your mind.
Des: As Riche Rich's butler Cadbury would say, "Egad!" Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match that will provide a New Year's reminder that the more things change, the more they remain the same.
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