BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-27-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?
Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.
Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.
Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?
Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.
Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?
PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.
Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?
BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Bears vs. Packers: 12-13-09
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-13-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”
Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?
SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.
Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?
SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.
Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.
Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?
CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”
Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?
SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.
Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?
SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.
Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.
Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?
CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Bears vs. Rams: 12-6-09
BEARS VS. RAMS: 12-6-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.
Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?
PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Rams in the first game that has not been nationally televised in a month. Will the Bears take the opportunity to rebuild under the radar? Or will St. Louis accidently lose the draft pick race to Cleveland and Tampa Bay?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Walrus” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Allow me to pour a 40 ounce bottle of rum on the curb for me fallen brethren of the skull and crossbones who were recently captured by the Dutch Navy. Who even knew those wooden shoe wearing tulip eaters even had a navy? Anyway, the Bears should use the “Hardtack Defense”, a defense that’s bland and flavorless, but is hard and unyielding. Just don’t dip it in coffee, or “the black awakening”, as we in the pirate profession like to call it.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: French Classical Writer Francois De La Rochefoucauld once said, “Usually we praise only to be praised.” That said, Des, you are a comedic genius.
Des: I offer nothing in return. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.
Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Bears fans will receive a Christmas gift that Ron Turner will not enjoy.
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this?
PM: Oh, Des. As British Sportsman Writer Charles Caleb Colton once said, “When millions applaud you seriously ask yourself what harm you have done; and when they disapprove you, what good.” Think about that, won’t you?
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", which was pre-empted by a Charlie Brown Christmas, which was, in turn interrupted by President Obama. Like the Visitors, Obama is also “of peace… always.”
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Bears vs. Vikings: 11-29-09
BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 11-29-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!
Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears
DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”
Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Vikings after a heart-breaking loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Bears offense show some sparks of ingenuity, or a least competence? Or is that really loud ticking noise Ron Turner’s Deathclock?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Salon Haji Bahdoon” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Horseshoe Sandwich crooner Des-boy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The once mighty Spanish Armada be naught but a shadow of its former self. Even incompetent lunkheads like me are able to fleece them for millions. This fate could be yours, Barack Obama, if ye reduce military expenditures by even a hay-penny. Here’s your gambling tip of the week: I’ll place me three million Euro ransom from the Spanish government on the Cleveland Browns. Mangini can’t be wrong all the time!
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: American poet Adrienne Rich once said, “Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.” That’s also true of the future. And also the present!
Des: Thanks, Captain Bringdown. Des-boy. Your thoughts about the Bears
DB: Well, Des, as they say in Standard City, “When’s NASCAR on?”
Des: Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. You’re boredom’s worst nightmare. Of course, that’s also true for car accidents and train wrecks, which I also enjoy watching.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who’s inching closer to replacing my 20 year old picture of Janeane Garofalo on my screen saver.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Bears vs. Eagles: 11-22-09
BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-22-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.
Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.
AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Eagles on a Sunday night game, after a heart-breaking loss to Mike Singletary’s 49ers. Will the Bears redeem themselves in front of another national audience? Or will Keith Olbermann proclaim Jerry Angelo "The Worst Person in the World"?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Shave and a Haircut” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed deceased author Aldous Huxley.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The only way that quarterback Jay Cutler could be more obvious in his play calling would be if he were using signaling flags. Here’s some ideas of signaling flags the Bears might want to use now: “Foxtrot: disabled” or “x-ray: stop your intention” or “Juliette: On Fire, keep clear”. Devin Hester might want to use: “LO- I am not in my correct position.” or “ZL- Your signal has been received but is not understood.” Matt Forte could use: “RU- keep clear of me; I am maneuvering with difficulty.” Lovie Smith should use: “DV- I am drifting” or “JL- I am running the risk of going aground.” This is Frank Caliendo, and my “upset special” is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeating the New Orleans Saints.
Des: Yeah, thanks, Captain. Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: I am depressed that I failed to refer to “Samurai” Mike Singletary last week.
Des: Aldous Huxley. Your thoughts.
AH: Ford’s in a flivver! Sucks to your ass-mar! Molly Ringwald is so… pneumatic!
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. The cosine squared of your obscure references plus the sine squared of your well-timed delivery equals one satisfied customer.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, who was obviously modeled after Hillary Clinton in that they are both women.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bears vs. 49ers: 11-12-09
BEARS VS. 49ERS: 11-12-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the 49ers on a Thursday night, further angering the football gods - - or, in the case of George Halas, the football Satan. Will the Bears solve their problems on offense, defense, and special teams? Or will they suffer the shame of having viewers defect to watch “Community”, or (shudder) Jay Leno?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Fem-bot” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! If ye reverse the name “Halas” and replace the “L” and “H” with “T” and “N”…. never mind! That be too convoluted! Whatever ye do, don’t turn your “Tivo” upside down if the game is still on at 11:34 p.m.!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ relentless defense and cyborg-ian offense remind me of the time I was a telemarketer and…
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Still, I would continue using the "Tampa 2" defense. Or offense. Or whatever.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.” Did I say “challenge”? I meant “embrace.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What bizarre compliment do you have for me this week?
PM: Oh, Des. If your words could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by "V: the Visitors", starring Morena Baccarin, whose unnervingly serene visage draws me in like a fly to an unbelievably high voltage bug zapper
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Bears vs. Cardinals: 11-8-09
BEARS VS. CARDINALS: 11-8-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?
To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against their cross-town rivals, the Arizona Cardinals. Will the Bears be able to make their offense function smoothly, like a well-oiled machine? Or will they fly apart into a million pieces, like the infamous aluminum engines of the 1974 Chevy Vega?
To respond to these and similar obscure, poorly constructed metaphors is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Livingston Seagull” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Though the Bears emerged victorious against the hapless Cleveland Browns, ‘tis too soon to crown them Super-bowl champions. What must the Bears do to win the NFC North? I suggest the “bilge rat” pass rush defense, where ye swarm all over the quarterback like a pack of… well, ye gets the idea. This would be particularly effective against the “Cheese-head” Green Bay Packers.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ smothering defense and suffocating kickoff return coverage remind me of the time I worked for the "waste management business" and...
Des: Modre. What should the Bears do?
Modre: George Bernard Shaw once said, “For every complex problem, there is a simple solution that is wrong.” Still, I recommend using the "Wildcat" offense.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your thoughts.
KC: “If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first."
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Bears Sunday without your broadcasts is like a broken pencil--- pointless.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the return of "V: the Visitors", which is in no way connected to this show, even though I've used their theme song for 5 years.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Bears vs. Browns: 11-1-09
BEARS VS. BROWNS: 11-1-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a heartbreaking loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears have an answer for Coach “Man-Genius”? And will it be something besides “better not tell you now?”
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Easy Rider” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed general William Westmoreland.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The idle speculation over whether the NFL will place a team in London or Los Angeles brings a chuckle to this ancient mariner’s heart. Why not bring a professional team to Chicago? ‘Tis a pretty big market, filled to bursting with treasure and booty even though Denver and Cincinnati have successfully plundered the Bears of its offensive talent. I myself have stolen many a treasure from the Art Institute and Museum of Broadcast History, whiling away many a lonely hour with me purloined Dirty Dragon puppet and Blob clay formation.
Des: And indeed the Bears talent has been very offensive. (Insert rim shot) Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: I still believe Lovie Smith made the right decision when he made himself defensive co-Odinator.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the refuge of the incompetent.” That’s only true for Ron Turner.
Des: General William Westmoreland. Your advice for the Bears.
GWW: “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. After last Sunday’s Bears game, only your broadcasts remind me that there still is a god.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game that should be totally awesome as long as Harvey Pekar can do the play by play. Or Funky Winkerbean. Either way, it’s cancer-tastic. Anyone but Cleveland Brown, the cartoon character.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cleveland Browns after a heartbreaking loss to the Cincinnati Bengals. Will the Bears have an answer for Coach “Man-Genius”? And will it be something besides “better not tell you now?”
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Easy Rider” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed general William Westmoreland.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! The idle speculation over whether the NFL will place a team in London or Los Angeles brings a chuckle to this ancient mariner’s heart. Why not bring a professional team to Chicago? ‘Tis a pretty big market, filled to bursting with treasure and booty even though Denver and Cincinnati have successfully plundered the Bears of its offensive talent. I myself have stolen many a treasure from the Art Institute and Museum of Broadcast History, whiling away many a lonely hour with me purloined Dirty Dragon puppet and Blob clay formation.
Des: And indeed the Bears talent has been very offensive. (Insert rim shot) Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: I still believe Lovie Smith made the right decision when he made himself defensive co-Odinator.
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Isaac Asimov once said, “Violence is the refuge of the incompetent.” That’s only true for Ron Turner.
Des: General William Westmoreland. Your advice for the Bears.
GWW: “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. After last Sunday’s Bears game, only your broadcasts remind me that there still is a god.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game that should be totally awesome as long as Harvey Pekar can do the play by play. Or Funky Winkerbean. Either way, it’s cancer-tastic. Anyone but Cleveland Brown, the cartoon character.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Bears vs. Bengals: 10-25-09
BEARS VS. BENGALS: 10-25-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Cincinnati Bengals after a heartbreaking loss to the Atlanta Falcons. Will the Bears put together a competent offense and a two minute defense? Or will “Ocho-Cinco” cause the Bears to fear the girly-swirly helmets that adorn the skulls of the Bengals?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Falcon and the Snowman” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Ye athletic representatives of Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and St. Louis stand accused of football incompetence before the drum-head court of Captain Silas Redbeard, scourge of the seven seas and many a fantasy football league! Tennessee and St. Louis, your zero-and-six records sadden this mariner’s heart and bring disgrace to your proud cities. But Tampa Bay: As the only feared buccaneer in the Northern Hemisphere, I decree that your winless performance brings naught but shame upon the noble profession of piracy! Thou shalt be punished by exile to the British Isles for a fortnight! I have spoken! Imperious Rex!
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears brick wall defense and slippery special teams remind me of the time I was a veal farmer and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In China, October 26 is the “double nine” festival because it is the 9th day of the 9th lunar month. Thus it is written that the Bears will win by 9 points after forcing 9 turnovers. The offense will under-perform.
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.” Then it was back to the gun.
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: Oh, Des. Thinking outside the box for you means thinking outside of a tesseract.
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by Rush Limbaugh, who has sworn a terrible vengeance against the National Football League for spurning his financial advances.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Bears vs. Falcons: 10-18-09
BEARS VS. FALCONS: 10-18-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons after thoroughly extinguishing the dying embers of hope for the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears continue their impressive streak of wins? Or will Atlanta’s perfectly balanced offense of tight ends, wide receivers, and running backs frustrate the Bears like they did to the, uh, Patriots? (Oops)
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “88 Keys” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! My nautically themed advice to the Bears this week is to use the “chum-bucket” defense, where ye liquefy the offense into a tasty goo fit for consumption by the Dallas Cowboys the following week.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: Ron Turner is the perfect offensive co-Odinator for the Bears.
SR: I heartily concur, matey! Turner combines the wisdom of Odin, the fury of Thor, and the cunning of Loki! Now we just need the girth of Volstagg on defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Citizens of Chicago: when the Olympics opened in Tokyo in 1964, they were so transcendent, we still have a national holiday on October 12 to commemorate it. But, like a World Series at Wrigley, that is a pleasure you will never experience!
Des: Modre, that’s kind of harsh even for you, isn’t it?
Modre: Sometimes I rub salt in the wound to promote healing, but this time, it is only for my amusement!
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: As Judy Tenuta once said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.”
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the Nissan Cube, which, sadly, is not a giant Rubik’s Cube. If you had to keep twisting the car itself in order to find the door… that would be hysterical!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Atlanta Falcons after thoroughly extinguishing the dying embers of hope for the Detroit Lions. Will the Bears continue their impressive streak of wins? Or will Atlanta’s perfectly balanced offense of tight ends, wide receivers, and running backs frustrate the Bears like they did to the, uh, Patriots? (Oops)
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “88 Keys” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed dead celebrity Kurt Cobain.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! My nautically themed advice to the Bears this week is to use the “chum-bucket” defense, where ye liquefy the offense into a tasty goo fit for consumption by the Dallas Cowboys the following week.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: Ron Turner is the perfect offensive co-Odinator for the Bears.
SR: I heartily concur, matey! Turner combines the wisdom of Odin, the fury of Thor, and the cunning of Loki! Now we just need the girth of Volstagg on defense!
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: Citizens of Chicago: when the Olympics opened in Tokyo in 1964, they were so transcendent, we still have a national holiday on October 12 to commemorate it. But, like a World Series at Wrigley, that is a pleasure you will never experience!
Des: Modre, that’s kind of harsh even for you, isn’t it?
Modre: Sometimes I rub salt in the wound to promote healing, but this time, it is only for my amusement!
Des: Kurt Cobain. Your impressions.
KC: “I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Your final thought.
PM: As Judy Tenuta once said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.”
Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by the Nissan Cube, which, sadly, is not a giant Rubik’s Cube. If you had to keep twisting the car itself in order to find the door… that would be hysterical!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Bears vs. Lions: 10-4-09
BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.
Des: Madonna. Your impressions.
M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”
SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.
Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?
CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?
Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.
Des: Madonna. Your impressions.
M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”
SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.
Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?
CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!
Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?
PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?
Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Bears vs. Seahawks: 9-27-09
BEARS VS. SEAHAWKS: 9-27-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after a dramatic victory against the Super-bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Will the Bears be able to effectively use their momentum to establish a winning streak? Or will Brian Urlacher and his shattered wrist be forced to make five turnovers all by his lonesome?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Psychedelic Panther Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and former NBA legend Michael Jordan.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Free of charge, I be providing the Bears valuable advice by applying successful pirate strategies to football. Abandon the Wildcat offense and the shotgun formation. Instead, use the “Cat o’ nine tails” offense to bedevil your opponents. It’s a nine-receiver set. Trust me, it worked against the HMS Pinafore.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ lightning-fast special teams and three-dimensional offense remind me of the time I was a grave robber and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In Japan, September 21st was keiro no hi, or Respect for the Aged Day, and so we must honor Brett Favre… while also seeking to destroy him!
Des: Michael Jordan. Your impressions.
MJ: “Tex [Winter] reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team… I said, ‘There’s an ‘I’ in win. So whichever way you want it.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Take this somewhere.
PM: Anyway you want it, Des, that’s the way you need it.
Des: Thanks, Steve Perry. Sit back and watch as the Bears draw a line in the sand… and then build a sand castle with a cute little moat :)
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Seattle Seahawks after a dramatic victory against the Super-bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Will the Bears be able to effectively use their momentum to establish a winning streak? Or will Brian Urlacher and his shattered wrist be forced to make five turnovers all by his lonesome?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Psychedelic Panther Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and former NBA legend Michael Jordan.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! Free of charge, I be providing the Bears valuable advice by applying successful pirate strategies to football. Abandon the Wildcat offense and the shotgun formation. Instead, use the “Cat o’ nine tails” offense to bedevil your opponents. It’s a nine-receiver set. Trust me, it worked against the HMS Pinafore.
Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.
CP: The Bears’ lightning-fast special teams and three-dimensional offense remind me of the time I was a grave robber and…
Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?
Modre: In Japan, September 21st was keiro no hi, or Respect for the Aged Day, and so we must honor Brett Favre… while also seeking to destroy him!
Des: Michael Jordan. Your impressions.
MJ: “Tex [Winter] reminded me that there’s no ‘I’ in team… I said, ‘There’s an ‘I’ in win. So whichever way you want it.”
Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. Take this somewhere.
PM: Anyway you want it, Des, that’s the way you need it.
Des: Thanks, Steve Perry. Sit back and watch as the Bears draw a line in the sand… and then build a sand castle with a cute little moat :)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Bears vs. Packers: 9-13-09
BEARS VS. PACKERS: 9-13-09
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.
SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.
Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?
OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!
Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Green Bay Packers in Year Two of their Favre-free experiment. Will the Bears find that the Pack Attack is worse than crack? Or will Jay Cutler fill the vacuum left by Rex Grossman’s departure?
To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Guy Smiley Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and recently dead celebrity the Oxy-Clean Guy.
SR: ARRRH, mateys! This year, me predictions will be based on careful data analysis, consultation with sports experts, and in-depth interviews with players and coaches. (Pause) Ah, har, har, har, har!!! I’m just yanking’ your anchor, land-lubbers!!! After staring at the black sails torn from the wreckage of the doomed Titanic, a short, sharp visage of the 2009 season burned itself into me memory cells. The Bears will go 9-7 this year, destroying the Seahawks, Bengals, Browns, 49ers, plus the Vikings and Lions twice. But they will lose to the Steelers, Falcons, Cardinals, Eagles, Rams, Ravens, and split the Packers.
Des: Captain, I was looking at your Bears predictions from last year, and your record was 9-7… barely better than flipping a coin.
SR: Well, there be a 100% chance that you’ll find yourself at the business end of me steely blade when this comedy bit ends.
Des: Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?
CWS: The Bears’ perseverance and never-say-die attitude against the Browns last week reminded me of the time I went to Hooter’s and, uh…
Des: Modre! What advice do you have for the Bears this week?
Modre: Philosopher Brad Holland once said, “Postmodernists believe that truth is myth, and myth, truth… The same people also believe that emotions are a form of reality. There used to be another name for this state of mind. It used to be called psychosis.” Bears fans believe in the myth of the super-genius second-string quarterback.
Des: Oxy Clean Guy. Any advice?
OCG: Stay away from the cocaine.
Des: Okay, then. Sit back and watch as…URRRK! Tell… Charlize Theron… I thought Aeon Flux… was her best… work…. Oh, untimely death!
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