Bears vs. Vikings: 12-27-09

BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 12-27-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings in another game inexplicably shown to a national audience. Can the Bears take advantage of a weakening Brett Favre, who is crumbling to dust like the Ghost of Christmas Present? Or will the Bears face another holiday horror, like Jim Carrey's Christmas Carol?

Des: To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles "Thin White Duke" Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western stereotype, the Prissy Minion, and famed symbol of renewal, the Baby New Year.

Redbeard: ARRRHHH, mateys! There be much idle speculation about whether Coach Lovie Smith will be fired come the end of this season. There be only one true way to settle this. Mutiny! But not the passive aggressive mutiny the Bears have performed so far. Nay! Swords must be drawn for a halftime spectacular that would be far more entertaining than anything ESPN's "Jabberjaw" has to blather about.

Des: Concord Peabody. Your thoughts.

CWP: The Bears are 24-7 whenever the defensive line of the Bears is on average 10 years younger than the opposing team's offensive line. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether that's the case in this game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: The cleansing whiteness of winter's snowfall will fail to shield Bears fans from the grim reality of Ron Turner's play calling.

Des: Prissy Minion. Do you have any relevant comments? Pleae?

PM: That is a Christmas gift that is beyond my capability.

Des: Baby New Year. What do you see in the Bears' future?

BNY: I'm too busy worrying about being eaten by Eon to concern myself with your petty sports teams.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a match that will put an exclamation point of 2009! Unfortunately, I have no idea what the rest of the sentence says.