Bears vs. Broncos: 11-22-2015

Des: So… our Bears panel and I kind of forgot to show up for last Sunday’s game. My excuse is that I was drowning in paperwork and getting the house ready for Thanksgiving. What’s everyone else’s story?

Redbeard: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH, mateys! I was busy seizing homes that me marauding crew and I assumed were abandoned because they still had Halloween decorations up 22 days after that accursed holiday ended! We most harshly ransacked the domiciles of those landlubbers that had a hung pirate upon their front lawn. That be a macroaggression against the Brotherhood of the Briny Damp we could not let stand! Meanwhile, what be behind the sudden surge of the Detroit Lions? Once I had forsaken Detroit, they suddenly win two games in a row!

Des: Drunky McDumbAss. What kept you from DesComm Worldwide?

Drunky: It’s better you don’t know.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What were you up to last Sunday?

Ellie Mae: Hunting Thanksgiving.

Des: Modre. How did you while away the hours?

Modre: Somehow trying to find something funny with the inevitable presidency of Donald Trump, failing.

Des: Sally McChesty. Summarize your Sunday.

Sally: “Trying to think of ways to get Captain Redbeard to notice me.” Supposedly, to build my character, I should have a romantic relationship “with the best thing ever, which is why I love Captain Redbeard.” Who wrote this?

Redbeard: Look nae further!

Bears vs. Lions: 10-18-2015

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the Race to Get to .500. Will the Bears take this opportunity to notch their third win against a very, very beatable team? Or will a Bears loss send the team scrambling to trade Matt Forte to build toward a future that may never come?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Eurotrash” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Ellie Mae MacGillicutty, and the Keystone Light mascot, Drunky McDumbAss

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! As ye know all too well, I predict weather through me various physical ailments and predict sports by me communion with various obscure deities from ancient, now defunct, Parthenons. Sadly, recent events have forced me to combine the two, as I am now cursed by numerous gods. Famed volcano goddess Pele has singed me ginger beard, which means we’ll have snow flurries tonight and Jay Cutler will score two touchdowns and fumble the ball twice. Then the Norse god of thunder, Thor, will cause an uncomfortable electric tingling in me hook that serves as me right hand, which can only mean partly cloudy skies tomorrow with a high of 50 degrees and also a Bears special teams player, who has wallowed in obscurity until today, will return a punt for a touchdown. Finally, Xochiquetzal—the Aztec goddess of plants, I guess?—has given me a bout of toe fungus, so, I’m thinkin’ we’ll be seeing a bright harvest moon tonight with a low dippin’ down to 29 degrees and at least one interception returned for a touchdown.

Des: “Weather and sports-- together.” Finally, a marketable slogan for the good captain.

Sally: A huge improvement from his current slogan: “Weather, sports, and anger all wrapped in a tiny little package of hate.”

Des: Modre. Fog up the mind with a gentle mist of inscrutability.

Modre: “The ones who best predict the future are the ones who define the future.” I define “future” as “flabbitty tabb tabb rinkitty dink dink sham sham shammitty sham bop… that’s the way it should be… wahoooo… yeah!”

Des: Let’s turn now to our panelist who’s less insightful than a two year old’s crayon wall scrawlings: Drunky McDumbass.

Drunky: Des, I’m going to horn in on your territory by making a terrible joke in response to something that was said 20 minutes ago. To wit: the only Keystone XL Pipeline I care about is my 1000 week Keystone Keg Club subscription where they send me a keg every Friday.

Des: Drunky, how much did you pay for that subscription?

Drunky: 1K

Des: Concord Peabody. Do you have anything for us?

Concord: I’ve heard that many states are considering having their own fantasy football leagues in a desperate effort to save their pension funds. To the listeners reading at home, I’d like to be your state’s Secretary of Fantasy Football so I can finally enjoy some of that sweet, sweet money.

Des: In a serious vein, I’d like to see a Draft Kings vs. Fan Duel Pro Bowl, featuring the biggest money makers of each league choosing the two teams. Prissy Minion. Take this to the outer limits of what the English language can communicate.

Prissy Minion: Des, what the world needs now may be beyond your ability. What the world wants now, you’ve got in spades.

Des: Ellie Mae McGillicutty. What fricasseed wisdom do you have for us today?

Ellie Mae: Des, out of sheer boredom, I watched the Weather Channel’s “3 Scientists Walk Into a Bar”, which would be better titled “3 Drunks Talk About Science in a Bar.” “See, what people should do is, what they should do is, teach about volcanoes by driving a bloodhound in a back of a pickup truck next to my twelve gauge and blow up some ping pong balls in the middle of a football field while some guy with a thick Southern drawl randomly makes some science noises like ‘caldera’ and ‘vent pipe’ and ‘P-waves’ and ‘S-waves’ and na-haw-haw-hawwww.”

Des: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna tear anyone away from Doctor Who. Speaking of fictional doctors: Doctor McChesty. You drew the short straw.

Sally: So I did. So I did. Sit back and watch sports fans, as the Bears play in a game that represents a huge time commitment if you combine it with Sunday night’s Cubs game. Those of you reading at home may want to deeply assess whether your marriage can survive six hours of sports viewing.

Bears vs. Lions: 11-27-2014

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-27-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in their first Thanksgiving game since 2004. Will the Bears defense be able to give Jay Cutler a short field against a team that is no longer at the very bottom of the NFL? Or will today’s game come down to a question of which quarterback is the last to throw an interception?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Bonesteel” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the man who invites himself to more Thanksgivings than Peppermint Patty, Drunky McDumbAss.

Drunky: Speaking of peppermint patties, I could really go for a peppermint schnapps right now. Or something else of the breath mint variety for the car ride home. Hey, what’s that repeated stabbing sensation in my back? Is that my liver again?

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! Those painful stab wounds are brought to you by me blood soaked steely blade for depriving me of me opening tirade that has been a staple of this pre-game show since the Bears were naught but the Decatur Staleys. Or it could also be your liver, McDumbAss. I would never completely rule that out.

Now that I have regained me rightful position, ‘tis time for a Thanksgiving dinner taste treat: Captain Redbeard’s Chum Bucket of the NFL: ‘Tis my deepest shame: the Oakland Raiders with their 1-10 record at the very bottom of the NFL. Ye may be asking, “Why only pick on the Raiders, Captain Redbeard? The Jacksonville Jaguars have an equally bad record.”

Allow me to answer this question in two parts: Part 1- Shut up! Who be you to challenge the aqua satanic majesty of Captain Redbeard, dread lord of the seven seas, scourge of legitimate maritime commerce, and feared card cheat? Part B- No one ever expects the Jaguars to ever amount to anything, but the Raiders once represented the Brotherhood of the Eternal Dank with pride, striking terror in the hearts of hapless AFC teams throughout the Pacific Coast. Ever since the referees stole that “Snow Bowl” game from Oakland and handed it to the Patriots, the Raiders have suffered a decade in the football equivalent of the Sargasso Sea. That game be a true act of piracy!

Des: Concord Peabody. Surely you have some obscure Thanksgiving trivia.

Concord: The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin was turkey. But you were probably looking for Bears trivia. The Bears are 8-7 against the Lions on Thanksgiving. In 2004, they lost to the Cowboys 21 to 7 with despite having legendary quarterbacks Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel at the helm. In 1999, the Lions beat the Bears despite having future Hall of Famer Jim Miller standing behind the center. While quarterbacking has been a historical weakness for the Bears, the Lions are 1-9 in their last 10 Thanksgiving games. Go Bears!

Des: Thank you, Concord. Ellie Mae, what do you have for us?

Ellie: What else but Trashcan Turkey wrapped in corn huskings and served on chairs from a 1975 Ford pickup truck placed on cinder blocks? 

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desmondolina. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a game that will determine which team is its own worst enemy.

Bears vs. Buccaneers: 11-23-2014

BEARS VS. BUCCANEERS: 11-23-14

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after pulling themselves together to defeat one of the worst teams in the NFL. Will the Bears repeat their winning formula of demonstrating basic competence to beat another bad team? Or will they suffer an embarrassing loss to their former coach Lovie Smith, who will remind them what an acceptable defense can do?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Master of Mayhem” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Doctor Sally McChesty, Elllie Mae MacGillicutty, and the guest who came to stay and never leave, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time for me to enter a period of terrible soul serching as me favorite non-piratannical football team battles against me second favorite pirate themed team. On the one hand, ye have the Chicago Football Bears, whose legend was built on a foundation of a fearsome defense that now couldn’t stop a baby from stealing candy from the end zone. On the other hand, ye have the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were mostly known for having aquamarine uniforms featuring a sailor with a blade in its mouth whose glory days came when they stole a coach from me favorite privateer-themed team, the Oakland Raiders. Since there be no football performance related statistic nor sentimental attachment to decide me preference, ‘tis naught but pure greed that will persuade me to support the Bears this Sunday: I have a fleet of unauthorized Bears merchandise waiting to be sold without the express written consent of Major League Football.

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who will continue to party at Soldier Field through Sunday’s game into the upcoming Thanksgiving match-up. Drunky, aren’t the Bears playing the Thanksgiving game in Detroit?

Drunky: That’s right, Des, but there’s really no point in going to Detroit unless you can prove you’re a non-resident who makes more than $10,000,000 a year. Governor Snyder is testing out this means-testing criteria to enter Detroit before making it part of his campaign platform to reform immigration into the U.S. as part of a 2016 presidential run. I’ve also heard they’re cutting off oxygen to parts of Detroit outside of the sports stadiums.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Mason Cooley once said, “Reading about ethics is about as likely to make one a saint as reading about sports will make one into an athlete.” Despite this, I look forward to reading Roger Goodell’s biography after he’s drummed out of the NFL.

Des: While all of this political comedy is draining the comedy ranking of this pre-game cavalcade several notches below Doonesbury, let’s bring in Concord Peabody to lighten things up.

Concord: Well, Des, all the pieces are in place for the Bears to finish the season by beating the Buccaneers, the Lions twice, and the Vikings again, resulting in a glorious… 8-8 season.

Des: That didn’t help at all! Ellie Mae, cheer me up, would you?

Ellie: The only comfort I can provide is through a burlap sack of surplus pig nuts I scraped of the ground of our ½ acre dirt farm. At least I think it’s pig nuts. It might just be random twigs, car parts, and Moxie soda bottles.

Des: Ellie Mae, how did you become part of our show?

Ellie: Oh, please! Your cast consists of a pirate, a drunk, a Lisa Simpson rip-off, a stalker, and whatever Modre is. Concord Peabody is the only character who pretends to care about football, and even he has no idea what he’s talking about. I fit right in!

Des: And I thought Doctor McChesty was based more on Beavis and Butthead’s “Darla.”

Ellie: Obscure references to unpopular 1990s TV shows will never save you.

Des: Prissy Minion. Unnerve me with your obsequiousness.

Prissy: Like Guardians of the Galaxy, you are irrelevant, reckless, and scrappy.

Des: I think you meant “irreverent.”

Prissy: Oops. And you also make good mix tapes. On cassettes. Still.

Des: Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

Sally: Of course, Desimandela. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that, contrary to the writings of various sports jerks, is not the “Toilet Bowl.” That “honor” goes to the Jets-Bills game. Go Neckbeard! (Assuming he’s still the Bills’ quarterback.)

Bears vs. Ravens: 11-17-2013

BEARS VS. RAVENS: 11-17-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Baltimore Ravens after their loss to a resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears get back on track by jumping to the front of the line of teams that have rejuvenated themselves by beating up on last year’s Superbowl “champion”? Or will the call go forth to summon Cade McNown—I mean, Josh McCown—to save the Bears?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Riot Grrl” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Twill be time once again for me favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Captain Redbeard’s Chum-Bucket of the NFL.” ‘Tis the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who should be stripped of their team name and the Jolly Roger that adorns their helmets and be forced to wear their former flamboyant sword swallowing sailor mascot until they be truly worthy of the skull and crossbones! What must they do? Like all true pirates, they should take advantage of the weak and vulnerable, i.e. the Atlanta Falcons, whom the Buccaneers face this Sunday... which is why I also pick Tampa Bay to be my “Wracked with Terrible Sea-sickness Stomach Churning Upset of the Week” and why I also choose this match to be “Captain Redbeard’s Game to be Avoided at All Costs.”

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who has been partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field non-stop since last Sunday’s game against Detroit.

DMD: That’s right, Des. The renovated spaceship-esque structure of formerly historic Soldier Field has been the ideal venue for me to play an endless game of cat-and-mouse with the Chicago Police. Like a drunken Phantom of the Opera, I only emerge to scare tourists who are just trying to visit the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, or Adler Planetarium.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Are you familiar with Lord Acton’s famous quote about power? The entire quote is, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.” There’s no punch line here, Des, I just wanted to expand your tiny little egg shell mind until it snaps like a rubber band.

Des: That’s Modre for you, always mixing metaphors until they become indigestible goo. Concord Peabody. Give us some statistical mumbo-jumbo.

CWP: Well, Des, every good Bears defender is injured, they had a terrible running game last week, and the Ravens still have a pretty good defense. That said, the Bears still win 49-24.

Des: Doctor McChesty. Do you have any thoughts on the Richie Incognito controversy?

SMC: Oh. I thought that had already been resolved. Jay Glazer found him “not guilty” and that was the end of it.

Des: Prissy Minion. Scare me with your sycophancy.

PM: Des, you are the original Five Finger Death Punch.

Des: That was indeed scary. Doctor McChesty, would you summarize things with one majestic sentence?

SMC: Of course, Desiluski. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine how quickly the Baltimore Ravens fade into the mists of history.

Grade Level Equivalency: 7.8

Bears vs. Lions: 11-10-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-10-13

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions, after their upset of the Green Bay Packers sent shockwaves throughout the NFL. Will the Bears build upon last week’s victory to defeat the Lions and dominate the NFC North? Or will Chicago be forced to settle for a wild card bid with an 8-8 season, defeating only the lowly Rams, Vikings, and, dare I say it, Ravens?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Incognito” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

Redbeard: ARRRH, mateys! ‘Tis time once again for me least favorite recurring theme on this worthless blog: “Let’s mock the Captain’s Picks for the Playoffs.” First, to salve me wounded pride, allow me to showcase me accurate predictions, and for that, let’s turn to the AFC. If we were to focus solely on the AFC, I would be truly hailed as the prognosticator’s prognosticator: As foreseen, the Bengals are atop the AFC North with a 6-3 record, the Colts dominate their division with 6 wins and 2 losses, the Broncos are well on their way to fulfilling their destiny as a wild card berth, and the Patriots have exceeded me expectations by leading their division instead of being a mere wild card. But the Chargers have once again failed me, earning naught but 4 wins and 4 losses. And me biggest surprise failure is the Miami Dolphins, which I thought would surely destroy their foes both inside and outside their own locker room with a management style and “seasoning” regimen that most closely mirrors my own.

            Now turn your horrified gaze to the NFC, which truly be me greatest albatross: The Seahawks are performing as expected, destroying their foes to earn a mighty 8-1 record and the Bears are well on their way to earning a wild card spot with an 5-3 record, but the rest of the NFC... oh, the humanity! The Panthers, my pick for the NFC South, at least has a respectable record of 5-3, but there’s the Falcons going 2-6, the Vikings stalled at 2-7, and what the hell happened to the Giants?

            At least I take cold comfort that, despite the Redskins doing better since I placed a curse on them until they change their name, they are still a horrible team. Don’t get confident, Chicago Cubs! Me baseball curses still maintain their full potency!

Des: Let’s check in with Drunky McDumbAss, who is partying it up in the parking lot of Soldier Field.

DMD: Des, even though every beer made in the universe is owned by one corporation that’s owned by the Koch Brothers, each beer still maintains its own distinct flavor. At least until I’m done drinking the first 24 brands. Then it all becomes one big Technicolor blur, much like the last 3 quarters of the Bears game.

Des: Modre, what are your thoughts?

Modre: Don’t ask a question if you’re not ready to hear the answer.

Des: I withdraw my question. Concord Peabody. What do the sacred patterns of numbers reveal?

CWP: What are you...? Uh, what? Well, Des, Cutler’s probably gonna be a lot less mobile after his groin injury, Reggie Bush is looking forward to taking on the Bears defense, and Cutler had has worst game of the year against the Lions. That said, the Bears still win 55-17.

Des: Doctor McChesty. I understand that you would like to give a report on the positive impact that the Detroit Lions have had on the Detroit economy.

SMC: That’s right, Des. Des, in order to pay the salaries of the football executives and players, plus maintenance on the football stadium, Detroit had to close 40 public schools, lay off 1,000 police officers and firefighters, and shutter 20 hospitals. On game day, electricity has to be turned off from 10 surrounding city blocks plus all of the automotive assembly plants, all of Detroit’s grocery and clothing stores need to emptied of their inventory, and every farm, granary, and coal mine in the collar countries must be stripped of their resources to feed, clothe, and power the football stadium, executives, players, and skybox patrons.

Des: Prissy Minion. Frighten me with your flattery.

PM: Des, your cutting wordplay and playfully sadistic wit have redefined blogs into something that would take linguists and cultural pundits alike decades to obsessively gnaw on like the protein rich bone that it is.

Des: That was indeed frightening. Doctor McChesty, would you wrap things up in a neat little bow?

SMC: I’d be happy to, Des. Sit back and watch, sports fans, as the Bears face off in a match that will determine dominance of the NFC North Division... somehow.

Bears vs. Lions: 9-29-2013

BEARS VS. LIONS: 9-29-13


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the team that may surprisingly prove to be their greatest challenge so far: the resurgent Detroit Lions. Will the Bears repeat last week’s winning formula of an unexpectedly strong offensive line, competent passing, and a turnover-factory defense? Or will the Lions’ winning streak continue to justify closing every public school in Detroit to finance their sports teams?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Kid Charlemagne” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Doctor Sally “Muffin” McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! By using what today’s kids call “Molly”, which I presume can only be shorthand for injections of “molluscum contagiosum” or “water warts”, to shatter the confines of space-time and linear thought to pierce the astral plane, I successfully stole the Tablets of Destiny from ancient Babylonian deity Marduk to avenge the death of my favored sea goddess Tiamat. But of far greater importance is that they revealed to me the Chum Bucket of the NFL: i.e. the team that will fail to win a single game this season: At this moment, there be 5 teams that share the dishonor of being winless so far: the Steelers, Jaguars, Giants, Redskins, Vikings, and Buccaneers. Which one be the most doomed to ignominious failure? ‘Tis the Washington Redskins, yet another victim of the Curse of Redbeard—and, no, this does not refer to the disfiguring skin condition of the same name—nay, this be the black mark that I lay upon the team that offends me in some deep seeded and deep seated way. The Curse of Redbeard is so profoundly afflicting that it can ne’er be reversed, not e’en by yours truly. Ask the Chicago Cubs! They will, of course, deny it with all the strength their broken souls will allow, for to even speak of the Curse of Redbeard is to prolong it for uncounted millennia. Returning to the Redskins, ye might think that I cursed them because they are the most racist thing associated with the NFL besides Modre...

Modre: Gaijin!

SR: ...but ye’d be sadly mistaken! Nay, my unyielding anger towards the Redskins derives solely from the actions of the team’s owner Dan Snyder, who beat me to the punch of attaining eternal youth by purchasing the Dick Clark Television Production Company. Not only does he gain the secret of eternal youth, but he also gains control of time itself, for through his purchase of the DCTPC, he also owns Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years’ Eve. By possessing this gem, he controls the Baby New Year, a prize that has eluded many other super-villians, including the legendary vulture Eon. Also, somewhat ironically, he made his billions by being the first to telemarket immigrants to the U.S.

Des: I shudder at the thought of those poor souls who are playing the “Captain Redbeard’s Unrelated References Drinking Game.” Concord Peabody. What are your thoughts?

CWP: Well, I was shocked that I actually underestimated the Bears’ score last week when I predicted the Bears would beat the Steelers: 38-10. (They won 40-23). I won’t repeat that mistake this week: Bears win 460 to 273.

Des: Wait... Concord, did you come up with those scores by using the absolute values of the absolute zeroes from the Rankine and Kelvin scales, as converted to the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales, respectively?

CWP: Uh... yeah, Des. Well done.

Des: Thank you, Concord. So, Doctor McChesty: Do you have yet another bring down preach-fest about the evils of the NFL and of sports media in general?

SMC: No, Des. To be fair, the NFL hasn’t built a new soccer stadium in the Amazon rain forest that will later be converted into a giant prison after the World Cup has been played or built another World Cup stadium in Qatar using Nepalese migrant slave labor. Yet.

Des: Now that we have once again abandoned the pretense of talking about the Bears at all, why don’t you finish things off, Prissy Minion?

PM: Des, your Bears posts have a captivating retro-future aesthetic that makes this website the most dazzling blog endeavor of 2013!

Des: Prissy, I don’t know how to respond to that, except to completely ignore it. Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will be much less painful than watching another five teams get into the playoffs by beating the Cubs!

Bears vs. Lions: 12-30-2012

BEARS VS LIONS: 12-30-2012


Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a must-win game. Will the Bears defeat the Lions by repeating last week’s winning formula of a strong passing game to Brandon Marshall, an opportunistic defense, and good field position? Or will the call go forth for the one-two punch of Rex Ryan and a new mediocre quarterback miscast as the next big thing? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Orthographic Matrix” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Internet hall monitor, Sally McChesty.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! In order for the Bears to skulk into the playoffs, 60 teams must lose this Sunday. Luckily, one of those teams is the Cubs. But, seriously, folks, as a drunken sea pirate, I’m accustomed to having my fate placed in the hands of forces beyond my control. Unfortunately, those forces turn out to be my personal demons, more often than not. So… what must the Bears do? Lovie Smith should delegate coaching the Bears game to his subordinates, and instead turn his focus to hexing the Vikings through his TV set in the Bears locker room, doing whatever rituals have been taught to us by Bud Light commercials, whether it be listening to Stevie Wonder, rubbing a rabbit’s foot, spinning the Bud Light label toward the TV, or experiencing horrible flashbacks of how the Packers beat the Bears two weeks ago and somehow reimagining the Bears jerseys as Vikings jerseys and muttering “Rex Grossman is our quarterback” while rocking back and forth in a fetal position.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s game?

CWP: Des, Brian Urlacher is still out with an injury, Calvin Johnson is 108 yards away from being the first player in history to reach 2,000 receiving yards in one season, and the Lions would love to be the team that knocks the Bears out of contention and Lovie Smith out of a job. That said, the Bears will still win 38-10. Unfortunately, the Vikings will also win: 23-21.

Des: Kind of a downer, Concord. Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Nietzsche once said that, “It is impossible to suffer without making someone pay for it; every complaint already contains revenge.” If this is so, Jay Mariotti’s vengeance is to be more feared than even Dick Cheney’s.

Des: Sally McChesty. We asked you to cull the Internet for insights from the blogosphere. What do you have for us?

SMC: Here are some gems for you, Des:
“A few former Bears have done pretty well as coaches: Jim Harbaugh, Leslie Fraser, and even Sean Payton, if you count spare Bears. Why not Ron Rivera, or, hell, I’d take Mike Tomczak as head coach at this point.”
“Jay Cutler is the best quarterback the Bears have had in the color television era, sadly.”
“The Bears will beat Detroit, only to lose to the Packers the following week.”
“Given that the Bears started with a 7-1 record before ending up 9-6, what the Bears need most in 2013 is a strike-shortened season.”

Des: Thank you, Sally. Drunky McDumbAss. How are things in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, I’m in the awkward position of having to cheer for the Packers this week before having to cheer against them next week. Fortunately, I have my good friend alcohol to resolve this dilemma for me.

Des: Prissy Minion. Bring this in for a landing on an ice-coated runway, won’t you?

PM: Des, you’re the funniest non-Canadian sports commentator. Your comedy paints a picture using nothing but primary colors. Blue is a primary color, right?

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Blizzak Tires: If you can write your name in the snow, it’s time for winter tires.

Bears vs. Lions: 10-22-12

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-22-12

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in the shadow of the third and final debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Will the Bears dominate the hapless Lions like Obama dominated Romney in the second debate, with a little help from the refs and some catastrophically bad play calling from his opponent? Or will the Bears sleepwalk into a trap game, like Obama did against Romney in Debate 1? To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Micronaut” Redbeard, Modre the trans-Western guru, Sally McChesty, and special guest tailgater, Drunky McDumbAss.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Once again, I am forced to face the tragic folly that is my Treasure Map to the Superbowl! Let me gaze with despair upon the teams I had chosen to win their divisions, yet be no closer to postseason glory than I be to basic nautical competence: the Jets remain mired with a 3-4 record, despite numerous gifts bestowed upon them by the Patriots yesterday. The Steelers be similarly afflicted with a mediocre record of 3-3. The Titans also be barely afloat with a 3-4 record.

Des: Much as I hate giving you any credit whatsoever, Captain, I can’t help but notice that you’re doing much better with the NFC: The Falcons have a 6-0 record, the Cardinals are still in contention, and the Bears are on top of the NFC North.

SR: Clearly, I do much better with animal totems. Mayhap I need to resort to shamanism, or at least a pseudo-shamanism, like your wretched land lubber Jim Morrison. The buoyancy of his crystal ship is questionable at best, though the Doors’ classic Ship of Fools became my personal anthem that I would cry myself to sleep listening to.

Des: I’d be careful with your little egg shell mind, Captain. Drunky McDumbAss. What’s happening in tailgate land?

DMD: Des, there’s nothing better than waking up of a drunken stupor in the crisp fall air of a Monday Night at Soldier Field. Especially if the Bears are playing.

Des: Sally McChesty. Do you have a sexy weather forecast or a puff piece interview with an NFL player?

SMC: Actually, Des, the money I’ve made this season on gambling has exceeded the combined GDP of five southern states, thanks to my quantum theory based statistical analysis. My DNA-sheathed nanobot inversion matrix computer processor has calculated, with a 99.7% certainty, that Obama will win the electoral vote 297 to 241, but lose the popular vote 49.7% to 49.4%, with the remaining votes going to the ghosts of Lyndon LaRouche and Ross Perot, assuming that both are dead. Also, my computer projections indicate that the re-elected Obama will be impeached by February 27, 2013, give or take a Mayan apocalypse.

Des: Oh, my. Uh, sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game that will serve as the tasty rye bread of a Monday Night Reuben sandwich of televised entertainment, with the debate serving as the artery-clogging fatty corned beef in the middle.



Credits: the “Drunky McDumbAss” character was created by my cousin Jeff, and the Reuben reference was stolen from my wife. Sadly, all other political references were pure Des.

Bears vs. Chiefs: 12-4-11

BEARS VS. CHIEFS: 12-4-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Kansas City Chiefs after a difficult loss to the Oakland Raiders. Will the Bears regain their momentum against a team in which Kyle Orton is debuting as their quarterback? Or will Orton take apart the Bears defense like a 2 year old child takes apart a cheap alarm clock?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Pantaphobia” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and DC Comics’ eye candy, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Who would believe that me drunken ramblings have manifested themselves into hideous, if distorted, reality? First, I predicted the confrontation between Jim Harbaugh and the Detroit Lions. Then, last week, I demanded that the Bears bring back Neckbeard to replace the wounded Jay Cutler. Well, Kyle Orton be returning to the Bears… as their opposing quarterback! What similar suggestions be I inflicting upon the Bears’ future opponents? The Broncos should hire Rashaan Salaam, the Seahawks should give a contract to Curtis Enis, and the Vikings should pick up Cade McNown. And the Packers should bring back Jim McMahon and Kevin Butler.

Des: Hopefully those teams will adopt your suggestions, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical insights do you have?

CWP: Des, the Chiefs have a less offensive nickname than the Redskins, the Bears offense is really struggling without Jay Cutler…or Kyle Orton, the punt return team has been hemmed in lately, which means that the field is really, really long for Caleb Hanie. That said, the Bears will still win 77-15.

Des: What statistical formula do you use to predict your scores, Concord?

CWP: The only formula I need is the element of surprise.

Des: Is that some weird, messed-up version of a Chuck Norris joke? Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Christmas is alleged to be a time of joy for your Western holiday season, but the true test of goodwill is the extent to which you submit to my stick beatings at what I call a peace temple, but your close-minded Western authorities refer to as a basement kidnapping and torture chamber.

Des: What happened to your random quotes of “wisdom”?

Modre: Your Western Internet service provider is no match for my Chinese super-computer… and I mean that literally, there’s no compatible portal.

Des: Wonder Woman. What’s your take on things?

WW: Des, what will it take for me to have a movie deal as awesome as Captain America, and Spider-Man? Sexy fights with female super-villains like Cheetah and Giganta?

Des: Uh, yeah. Sure. That’s a good start. Uh… sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a match brought to you by the Newt Gingrich for President Campaign. Newt Gingrich… at least he can string a sentence together.. sort of.

Bears vs. Chargers: 11-20-11

BEARS VS. CHARGERS: 11-20-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the San Diego Chargers, a team trapped in its own power-dive four game losing streak, while Chicago continues to dominate with a four game winning streak. Will the Bears take advantage of another struggling team to maintain its seemingly unstoppable momentum? Or will they receive a brutal splash of cold water against quarterback Philip Rivers if he suddenly remembers not to throw to the opposing team in the red zone?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Sucker Punch” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the Amazonian ambassador to the world of men, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! ‘Tis time now for this Ancient Mariner’s Curse to be unleashed against a hapless NFL victim. Which team deserves to receive this feared bounty of my boundless misfortune? The Detroit Lions, which I predict will not win a game for the remainder of this season! I know this be bad news for the Chrysler Corporation, since its recent ad campaign inexplicably tried to tie their vehicles with the alleged resurgence of Detroit, but the treacherous scalawags never should have shut down the Plymouth division. What happened to the legendary vehicles of yesteryear, such as the Plymouth Duster and Scamp? Ye might wonder why a pirate would care about motor cars, but I’ve shanghaied many an automobile freighter, and there be no more successful black market resale vehicle in Cuba than the Plymouth Volare!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?

CWP: Des, the San Diego Charger’s slogan is “Lightning only strikes in one place.” That might be part of their problem.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Robert Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” Conversely, only those who dare to succeed greatly can ever achieve utter failure. At least that what the coach of the Minnesota Vikings is telling people.

Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Des, for a brief time my headquarters was called “The Wonder Dome”, but I got tired of the double entendres, so I just store all of my stuff at the Wonder Warehouse.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears play in a match brought to you by Chevrolet, whose recent ad campaign is unafraid to remind you how much better their cars were 40 years ago.

Bears vs. Lions: 11-13-2011

BEARS VS. LIONS: 11-7-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions in a late afternoon game that won’t be broadcast nationally to make way for the allegedly awesome 49ers/Giants match-up. Will the Bears take advantage of this temporary obscurity to finish off a Detroit Lions team whose bandwagon wheels may be coming off, much to my shameful delight of seeing a Cinderella story burst into flames? Or will “Megatron” run roughshod over the Bears defense, setting up an improbable run to the Super-bowl, reviving confidence in the American auto industry, and ensuring Obama wins a second term?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Klondike Kat” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.

PM: Oh, Des. That was a very enjoyable pun. “Cinder”-ella story? Bursting into flames? Pure genius!

SR: ARRH, mateys! If ye be done polishin’ Des’s ego so that its bright glare is causing planes to crash throughout the New England region, ‘tis time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-9 record. I await to see if the Colts heeded my call to perform unholy acts to heal Payton Manning and return him to active duty. If not, the Jaguars will win 38-0.

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. Who will win Sunday’s matchup?

CWP: Des, the Bears Cover-2 has no answer against Megatron, they have to get more than one sack to slow down the Lions, the Lions had a bye week last week, so Matt Stafford’s ankle has had more time to heal, and former Bears team leader Chris Harris plays his first game as a Lion, against his old team. That said, the Bears will still win 33-17.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.” That said, Jay Cutler has done a nice job learning Mike Martz’s offense.

Des: Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Des, if the Colts are looking for a new quarterback, I was created to be as "beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, swifter than Hermes, and stronger than Hercules.” At least that’s according to Amazonian legend, and who are you to argue with that?

Des: I… I don’t know. Let’s a check of the reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.3. Damn! That’s too high. Let’s try this to dumb it down a little: Burp! Fart! Take away his man-card! Okay, let’s hit each other with 2 X 4s. (Several minutes of beatings later…) Now let’s do a reading level check…Yes! Down to 6.5! End transmission.

Bears vs. Eagles: 11-7-11

BEARS VS. EAGLES: 11-7-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football post-game show. The Bears defeated the Philadelphia Eagles at the so-called City of Brotherly Love, showing flashes of brilliance on the national stage and winning three consecutive games. Will the Bears continue to use pocket protection, a mighty pass defense, and the fleet feet of Forte to dominate their remaining foes and avenge last year’s NFC championship debacle? Or will they revert back to the no-protection offense and an easily-tired defense?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Savoir Faire” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and the embodiment of Des’s America, Wonder Woman.

SR: ARRH, mateys! Time now for Captain Redbeard’s Chum-bucket of the NFL: The Indianapolis Colts, with their 0-8 record. If I be them, I’d be resortin’ to any dark sorcery atrocity to heal Payton Manning: voodoo, zombie-ism, vampirism, stealing the life force of entire cities, embryonic stem cell research, the NFL waiver wire…

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Concord Peabody. What statistical anomalies would you like to share with us?

CWP: Des, on paper, the Philadelphia Eagles should have had every advantage against the Bears: Michael Vick’s quarterbacking, plus receiver Jeremy Macklin’s adhesive hands, but they neglected one very important unseen hand: The invisible hand of Bears destiny. Is it a coincidence that the Detroit Lions have started losing games at the same time that the Bears have reemerged in the NFC North? I don’t know if the invisible hand is strong enough to wave off the stench of those Cheesehead hats, though.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: Eugene V. Debs once said, “Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.” That said, the revamped Soldier Field is very nice.

Des: Moving on, because… well, why not? Wonder Woman. How do you want to finish this off?

WW: Superman, my hubby in an alternate universe, always defeats Lex Luthor, even though Lex is much smarter. Think about it, liberals! And yes, I use the phrase “think about it” ironically. By the way, genius = evil.

Des: …which is why I’ve dumbed down this website. The reading grade level equivalent of this post: 7.6. Check it out for yourself.

Bears vs. Vikings: 10-16-11

Pre-production meeting transcript:

Des: Prissy Minion, after your stellar “performance” as the closer of our Internet Journals for well-nigh unto five years, we were wondering if you would be willing to give the opening prediction after I do my stirring introduction.

PM: I don’t know, Des. I know nothing about football. My sole expertise is in building your self-esteem.

Des: Well, thanks to your successful efforts, my ego is now the size of the Hindenburg… and also as flammable and potentially fatal to all who come near it. Oh, the pomposity! But, to return to my original point, we need to expand your character a little.

SR: Don’t worry, matey! We’ll be right behind you!

PM: No doubt poking me with your sword as I walk this metaphorical plank to the shark-infested waters of my own sports-related ignorance.

Modre: If more metaphors like those you propose are part of your prose, you will present with compose…ure.

PM: How can I argue with such elegant poetry? But, Modre, wouldn’t it be more in character for you to speak in haikus?

Modre:
If disturbing praise
Gladdens your insecure heart
Seek Prissy Minion

PM: I’m ready.


BEARS VS. VIKINGS: 10-16-11

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Minnesota Vikings after Chicago’s offense struggled mightily against the Motown Maginot Line. Will the Bears defense wash off the stench of classic Detroit Lions failure by firing Rod Marinelli? Or will Donovan McNabb receive an undeserved new lease on life as the Vikings number one quarterback?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Snaggletooth” Red-beard, Modre- the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and Amazonian warrior princess, Wonder Woman.

PM: Hello, everyone who is not Des. This is the Prissy Minion, Des’s biggest fan, with my inaugural prediction for tonight’s Bears game. And here it is: I’ll be too enraptured by Des’s play-by-play brilliance to know what’s actually happening during the game.

WW: What the… Prissy Minion, that’s the weakest performance… uh, uh, the biggest disappointment since the Legion of Doom seemed to have killed off all the Super-friends, but it turned out that we were just robot duplicates in the fevered insane dream of an autistic child’s brain in a jar in a mental hospital in an alternate universe where Abraham Lincoln was the fifth Beatle, except the Beatles were actual giant insects from a Kafka novel that was randomly cut and pasted from old 1980s Tiger Beat magazines by a room full of monkeys who actually turned out to be the children of Jesus and Marilyn Monroe, which is why there were so many pictures of Ralph Macchio and Duran Duran!

Des: Concord Peabody. How will the Bears perform?

CWP: Well, Jay Cutler is currently riding the NFL’s longest consecutive streak of games sacked, and the Viking’s defensive end Jared Allen has made 8.5 sacks in five games, while Chicago’s defense is as weak as Prissy Minion’s opening prediction. That said, the Bears will still win 37 to 0.

Des: Modre. What advice do you have for football fans this week?

Modre: Albert Einstein once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Nevertheless, Rod Marinelli should continue using the Tampa 2 defense.

Des: Captain Redbeard. How would you like to finish this off?

SR: ARRH, mateys! First, I’d like to criticize your strategy of trying to finish strong by putting me at the end instead of starting strong with me at the beginning. If the Bears have taught us anything, it’s that you need to score repeatedly in the first quarter because your opponents will figure you out by the second quarter. ‘Tis much like when I attack a vessel off the port bow, I unload all of my cannonballs within the first five minutes of battle to achieve victory before me mutinous crew rebels against me once they realize I have no plan whatsoever.

Second… well, I really don’t have a second point, except to say that this week’s ironclad guarantee of gambling treasure goes to the San Francisco 49ers defeating the Detroit Lions. There be something oddly comforting in Coach Jim Harbaugh’s maniacal expression. You can also hear his father’s voice inside his head, berating him. ‘Tis a voice I know well!

Des: Uh, thanks, Captain. Anyway… Sit back and watch as the Bears face off in a game brought to you by Bud Light, whose slogan is “Here we go”, which I pretty much say only before I’m forced to embark on something that will only bring pain.

Bears vs. Lions: 12-5-10

BEARS VS. LIONS: 12-5-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears post game show. The Bears defeated the divisional rival Detroit Lions, a team that played three solid quarters of football, a dramatic improvement over last year. What were the Bears' "Keys of Victory" over "The Little Team That Tried, for the Most Part?" To answer this and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody; Captain Silas Charles "Frankincense" Redbeard; Modre the trans-Western mystic; the Prissy Minion; and special guest former Bears coach and living legend Mike Ditka.

SR: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH, mateys! With their unsuccessful 4th quarter attempt to convert a 4th down, the Detroit Lions showed they had the heart of a sea lion. Unfortunately, they also showed the brains of a scarecrow. And not a sea scarecrow either. That would just be silly.

Des: Thank you, Captain. You know, I miss the days when you would predict the outcome of things based on your physical ailments or visions from your imaginary sea deities.

SR: Ye may think me nautical gods be imaginary, but ye will find me stabby instrument of Neptune's justice to be painfully real!

Des: Point taken, Captain. Get it? Point? Urrk! Modre (Gurgle) what wisdom do you have for us?

Modre: Naguib Mahfouz tells us "You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." That said, I am very entertained by the Coors commercials with the out of context football coach press conferences.

Des: Urrgh! Concord Peabody, do you have any "Bactine" handy? And what's your Victory Factor for the Bears next week against New England?

CP: Des, for you, the magic number should be 911.

Des: Coach Ditka. Give us your thoughts.

Ditka: This panel has none of the intellectual firepower of ESPN. Also: "If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn't have given us arms."

Des: You could consider professional football players to be created by God if you consider "God" to be an unholy combination of steroids, a megalomaniacal father living through his son, unquenchable rage, and a bottomless pit of TV revenues and taxpayer money... wait, there was a joke in here somewhere.

PM: Oh, Des. Your football posts are like crayfish. It takes a lot of work to extract a tiny piece of heavenly goodness, but boy is it filling... if you get a basket of bread first.

Des: I know there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, Prissy Minion. Thank you for joining our post-game broadcast and join us next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say, "I think we've lost the patient."

Rowlf (as Dr. Bob): Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

Bears vs. Lions: 1-3-10

BEARS VS. LIONS: 1-3-10

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Lions after an amazing win against the Vikings. Can the Bears build on their strengths displayed in last week’s game? Or will they need a new Mike Brady-esque architect to redesign the offense with Frank Lloyd Wright-style unconventionality?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Obi-Wan” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed advertiser of sports products, Tiger Woods.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! Since the NFL season is pretty much over, these be my college bowl picks for next year: Oklahoma defeats NIU in the Empire Carpet Bowl, Texas Tech beats Indiana in the Big Scary Closet Bowl, MIT destroys Stanford in the Droid Bowl, University of Phoenix defeats DeVry in the John Madden Virtual Bowl, and Bud Light defeats Budweiser Select in the Bud Bowl.

Des: Captain, do those bowls even exist?

SR: And the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, the County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, and the Brut Sun Bowl should be treated with more respect just because they actually exist? Besides, once I have successfully pirated CBS’s signal during the Super-bowl, the Bud Bowl will rise again. If what’s left of the Who play “Behind Blue Eyes” during the half time show, that’s when I will take command of the airwaves.

Des: Let me take a moment to credit “Friend of the Blog” H for suggesting the bowl selection concept. I know he wanted me to wait until next December, but…

Modre: Des, your willingness to suspend Western perceptions of comedic timing will one day endear you to Eastern audiences. The true irony is that this will occur 100 years into the future.

Des: Tiger Woods. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Tiger: How much endorsement money am I being paid for this?

PM: Oh, Des. That joke was well worth waiting six weeks after the Tiger Woods story broke.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “GoDaddy.com”, where Tiger Woods will appear alongside Danica Patrick soon.

Bears vs. Packers: 12-13-09

BEARS VS. PACKERS: 12-13-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Packers after defeating the Rams in a win that was almost convincing. Can the Bears beat a team with a winning record? Or will they need to wait until January 3rd, when they play the Detroit Lions, the gift that keeps on giving?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “the Undertaker” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and avatar of Christmas cheer, Santa Claus.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! This week’s “Pick to Bet a Ukrainian Ransom On…”

Des: Captain, that’s an awkward title, isn’t it?

SR: You know what else would be really awkward? A keel-hauling, which you’ll be facing shortly.

Des: Again with the keel-haulings. If it’s not keel-haulings, it’s plank walkings, tasting your steely blade, drawing and quartering, or drinking your chum bucket. What else have you got, Captain?

SR: That’s a challenge ye don’t want me to be accepting, land-lubber, particularly given your penchant for drinking hard liquor. Anyway, me “can’t miss” pick is the Detroit Lions defeating the Baltimore Ravens. I see the Lions running the table at the end of the season.

Des: Good luck with that one. Santa Claus. Your thoughts about the Bears.

Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho! I’ve renamed my reindeer after all of the Bears’ successful quarterbacks: On McMahon! On Kramer! (Long pause) I’ll get back to you on that one.

Des: Concord Peabody. Could you end this on a positive note?

CWP: The Bears win 65% of the time when they remember to put 11 men on the field.

Des: Sit back and watch as the Bears grapple in a game brought to you by “Droid”, which, since I have no idea what it is from the commercials, I’m assuming is a robot army out to enslave us all!

Bears vs. Lions: 10-4-09

BEARS VS. LIONS: 10-4-09

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Detroit Lions after a nail biter against the Seattle Seahawks. Will the Lions build on their first win since the presidency of George W. Bush? Or will the Bears emerge triumphant on a combination of turnovers, competent passing and missed field goals by their opponents?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Tango and Cash” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and famed pop-star slash actress Madonna.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! I vaguely remember many a land-lubbing prognosticator proclaiming that this be the year of the NFC North quarterback, but, as usual, ‘tis only the Year of The Evil Monkey in My Closet. This “Family Guy” reference is brought to you by the Fox Network, whose evil Cthulu-esque tentacles extend down to the world of music, and which also sponsors this mighty broadcast, which be why Madonna is appearing upon this football panel.

Des: Madonna. Your impressions.

M: “If I weren’t as talented as I am ambitious, I would be a gross monstrosity.”

SR: Like Dread Cthulu himself! By the way, Des, Cthulu would be an awesome Halloween costume. Ye might think the tentacle head would make it difficult to drink rum, but picture every tentacle as a straw and you begin to see the sheer brilliance of this idea.

Des: Returning to football, what’s your analysis, Concord Peabody?

CWP: The Bears reliable special teams and innovative play calling remind me of the time I was a whale poacher and…

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: In India, October 8 is Karva Chauth, a day to honor the sanctity of marriage, of which your western “Football Sunday” is its antithesis!

Des: Prissy Minion. How do you want to finish this off?

PM: Oh, Des. Was that an earthquake, or did you just rock my world?

Des: Sit back and watch with your congealed bowl of Ramen noodles as the Bears grapple the Lions in a quarterback duel as legendary as Jim Miller versus Charlie Batch!

Bears vs. Saints: 12-11-08

BEARS VS. SAINTS: 12-11-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against the Saints on a Thursday, a day not ordained by either God or Des as suitable for football. Can the Bears compete against the likes of Ugly Betty or CSI? Or will Thursday Night Football be yet another NFL fumble, like throwback uniforms and coaches’ challenges?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles “Irish Spring” Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a Yuletide perspective, Burgermeister Meisterburger.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! While today’s modern pirates may prefer their fancy speedboats and rocket launchers while stalking their prey, there be nothing more satisfying than a good old fashioned keel-haulin’, using nothing but the wind-filled sails, yer nautical wits, and rum-fueled rage. In a similar fashion, the Bears can only defeat the Saints with some good old-fashioned smash-mouth defense, not this fancy-pants “Wildcat offense”, whatever that be.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 17-4 against teams in cities abandoned by God and man. This includes New Orleans, Green Bay, St. Louis, and Detroit.

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: As Sun Tzu once said, “supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.” Unfortunately, that’s not very compelling football.

Des: Burgermeister Meisterbrau. Break our Christmas spirit, won’t you?

BM: I hate toys! And toys hate me! Either they are going or I am going and I definitely am not going!

Des: Okay, then. Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. When I hear you speak, it’s not so much the words I listen to as the gentle spirit behind it.

Des: Sit back and watch with your “Mike Ditka for Governor” T-shirt as the Bears face off in a battle that will make you forget that Thursday is “The Office” night. Uh, forget I said anything.

Bears vs. Rams: 11-23-08

BEARS VS. RAMS: 11-23-08

Des: Welcome to another edition of the Chicago Bears football pre-game show. The Bears face off against St. Louis after a thrashing by Green Bay. Will Chicago emerge stronger physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially from such a thorough defeat? Or will the Bears prove to be a tragic metaphor for America’s economic condition… somehow?

To answer these and similar questions is our panel of experts: Concord Wainwright Peabody, Captain Silas Charles Yukon Cornelius Red-beard, Modre the trans-Western guru, the Prissy Minion, and, providing a dead scientist’s perspective, Albert Einstein.

SR: ARRRH, mateys! After a long day of seizing Saudi super-tankers filled with precious oil off the coast of Somalia, you’d think there’d be nothing I dread and fear more than the Russian Navy. Ye’d be tragically mistaken! What haunts my dreams is that we be one Neckbeard away from being the Detroit Lions.

Des: Concord Peabody. Who will win today’s Bears game?

CP: Well, the Bears are 15-4 against teams in cities that don’t believe in sewage treatment. Go Bears!

Des: Modre. What are your thoughts?

Modre: The Bears must defeat the Demons of Denak to emerge victorious. Since they don’t possess the Darkholde to banish the forces of evil, they must resort to better play calling.

Des: Albert Einstein. Stab at the heart of truth for us.

AE: Guten tag, meine Bürger von Chicago. "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence." If you think I’m talking about Dennis Miller’s tenure on Monday Night Football, think again, meine Kätzchen.

Des: Prissy Minion. What now?

PM: Oh, Des. When space aliens find this disc on the next Voyager space craft, they’ll know where to turn for sports and cultural information.

Des: Sit back and watch with your collection of random acquaintances as the Bears face off in a classic I-55 rivalry that will redefine sports as something that transcends mere entertainment into something that hits too close to home.